To My Children

When you are constantly faced by your own mortality you start to see the world differently.  You find yourself thinking about things that, for many people, never even enter the mind.  Like, "if I up and die in my sleep tonight, will my kids ever really know what they mean to me?" It was that very thought, in the wee hours of the night a few months ago, that urged me to get out my phone and type a message to them in my "notes" app.  I ran across it this morning and decided I should probably post it somewhere, because if I up and did in my sleep tonight, how will they ever see it if it stays in my phone? 

So here it is. 

To my children:

You are the reason I was born.

You're the reason I breathe, and from the day I held my first baby in my arms, my life had more meaning than I ever thought possible.

You taught me how to love.

You gave me the courage to open my heart, despite my fear that one day, you would end up hating me and breaking it.

You exceeded every expectation I had about raising children. 

You filled my life with laughter.

You taught me patience and determination.

You showed me the power of unconditional love. 

You taught me about God's love for me.

You showed me kindness with your crayons.

You gave me flowers to remind me that life is a beautiful gift.

You saved the prettiest rocks you found for me, because you thought I was so special. 

You snuggled up in bed with me to watch our special show every night.

You trusted me to be your referee, your hair stylist, your therapist, the villain to your super-hero. You came looking for me randomly throughout the day just to give me hugs. You told me you loved me just out of the blue.  You made even my worst days bearable.

You wanted my approval when you learned to ride your bike, when you played that one song you knew on your violin, when you climbed all the way to the top of the monkey bars by yourself.

I was important to you.

You were my reason for existing. You were my treasure. My joy. My heartache and the reason for many sleepless nights.

You tested my character with temper tantrums, with defiance, with your messy room.  You asked me the toughest questions and expected honest answers. You kept me on my toes.

Your hugs were little bits of sunshine, warming me from the inside out.

Wherever I went, whatever I did, you were always at the front of my mind. 

 

You hated it when I sang. You got embarrassed when I made a fuss over you in public. But you loved to giggle when I praised you for being able to put your pants on while standing on a giant marshmallow. We talked about our favorite super heroes, but I never told you my favorite hero was YOU.

You asked me where babies come from, and hotly debated the value of homework with me until 4th grade. You asked me for breakbast, and cried for me whenever I was out of your sight. You got angry when I said you were "little" and you sang to me from the backseat of the car all the time. We had "grown up" conversations almost from the time you said your first words, and you told me I was cool.

Your bright red hair was like a beacon. No matter how much you got passed around, I could always find your sweet, pudgy baby face in a crowd.  You loved baby dolls and Barbie dolls and playing dress up. You always said you were "mommy's girl" and had to sit by me wherever we went.  You let me braid your hair and call you silly names. You saved rocks for me, and brought me wild flowers from the yard. Crumbs followed you everywhere you went.  You told me I was your favorite person in the world! 

You trusted me with your secrets, your fears, your dreams.  You loved adventuring with me all day in the car.  You made me giant birthday cards and loved our picnic days.  You let me know when I let you down, but you always forgave me. You tried me over and over again to make sure I would always love you no matter what...

And I have always loved you insanely.  I've loved you unreasonably. I've loved you endlessly.  My love for you has exponentially layered itself over my heart, cushioning my spirit against every blow that tried to crush me and bring me to my knees.  You made me brave. You made me strong.  You made me into a woman.  You took away my childish narcissism, and made me learn to live outside myself.  You taught me what life is really all about, you gave me purpose.

You are the reason I exist. You are my gift to the world.  You will live on after me, and you will continue to bring meaning to every other life you touch.  You will live with abandon, you will learn from your mistakes, you will reach out to the underdog, because from the time you were in kindergarten, we have talked about the virtue if kindness.  You will be there for one another...the guru, fashion police, career counselor, homework helper, comic book convention partner.  You will invest in each other that part of me I leave behind in each of you, and you will bring meaning to the word "family."  

You are my heart and soul.  You are what my life was all about. You are the legacy I will leave behind. My life's work. My biggest success. My greatest reward.  You were the picture of God's grace towards me, for I could never have done anything to deserve such pure, trusting determined spirits giving me purpose and filling my heart with the kind of love I still struggle to explain. 

Believe in yourselves as I believe in you. Love one another as I have loved you. Forgive one another. Encourage one another. Protect each other, take care of each other.  Keep my love in your hearts always, and let me live on in the love you give away. 

Remember me with laughter. Cry a few tears if you must. We will miss each other so much, but we have hope.  And you always have me.  I will always be there. I'm part of who you are. Someday, you'll hear me in your own voice and know this is all true. 

Your mommy will live on forever in the things you do. 

I love you bunches and bunches.

Mom