The Quitter

I'm the quitter.

I quit trying to fix someone else.  I quit trying to love someone who doesn't know how to accept love. I quit telling myself I'm not good enough, or that my inability to connect with an Adult Child or a Personality Disordered person is my fault.

I quit believing that I have all the answers.  I quit giving so much of myself that I forget who I am.  I quit looking for the answers for everyone else instead of finding solutions for myself.  I quit internalizing the criticism, blame and shame that has piled up in my mind.  I quit avoiding my own needs and quit waiting for someone else to meet them.

I quit avoiding mirrors because I'm afraid of what will be reflected back at me when I see myself as I really am.  I quit trying to BE a mirror for other people who refuse to look at their own reflections.

I quit making excuses for the behavior of others, even though I love them and feel empathy for their pain.  Everyone has pain; we don't all choose to hurt one another because we hurt.  I quit acting out in ways that are not consistent with my character because of my own frustration and pain. I quit trying to fight fire with fire.

Instead, I hand you a bucket of water.  I give you a wet blanket, a fire extinguisher.  I sound a smoke alarm and make sure the doors are open so you can find your way out.  I let you borrow my phone so you can call the fire department; I wait for you outside where I can safely breathe while you find your way out. I quit telling myself you'll join me out here in the fresh air. I quit screaming at you to save yourself before it's too late.

I quit asking you for anything or expecting anything or hoping for anything from you.  I finally realize there's nothing there for me. Nothing you can offer me but a fully involved inferno of turmoil, shame, rage and fear and those are things I already have enough of on my own.

I finally recognize you: You are the child of neglect. the forgotten, the blamed, the invalidated.  You are the one who never saw a promise fulfilled, never knew what security was, never learned that real love isn't conditional.  You're the kid who didn't know that you could love someone and be angry at them too.  You are the kid who couldn't be a kid. You were the kid who wasn't allowed to feel, the kid who had to overlook his own inner world because of the constant threat of the outer world.


I get it. I understand why you can't trust. I understand the rules and regulations, the boundaries that are actually walls of defense, the yearning for closeness and the inner conflict that takes place when someone does manage to get a little too close.  My mind has a grasp of why you must believe the worst of everyone but my heart has trouble accepting it.  Until now, I couldn't stop blaming myself because I am so imperfect, so flawed, so inadequate. But now I know that by blaming myself, I give you weapons to use against me. I've allowed you to inflict pain upon me. I have even come back for more, time and time again.

But now I quit giving you the stick with which to chase me away.

Instead I hope you will smell the smoke and take steps to put out this fire that burns within you before there's nothing left of you anymore. I used to know you as someone else, but that person is swiftly fading away into oblivion. It's really a shame.  That person you used to be always made me smile.

I quit; but I hope.  And I wish hoping were enough but I know it is not.

Nothing I do will ever be enough.  I have to leave this to you.

So, I'm the quitter.