Some of the Craziest Things Elders Have Said To Me

I have worked with seniors for many years.  Often I have met elders who are full of wisdom and advice and cannot wait to share it with me.  Sometimes their comments are uncomfortably personal, other times, they are oddly interesting, and still others venture into the inappropriate or even insulting.  Here are the top ten comments and bits of sage advice I've gotten from seniors over the years.

1. "You aren't the type of girl who should be married.  You are too fun to be tied to a husband."  This was said to me by a 70-something year-old man in a wheelchair who liked to kiss my hand every morning and ask personal questions about my love life.  Questions that I avoided answering in any detail.  I didn't ask him what he meant by this comment, but I think we can infer his meaning.

2. "I don't see why you aren't married or don't have a boyfriend.  You'd make a good wife.  You aren't too aggravating at all."  Said by an 80 something client with whom I sat and chatted for a few minutes every morning after breakfast.  He explained that he had been observing me and had notice that I was easy-going and got along well with everyone.  "Men want a woman who is not aggravating, and you aren't too bad.  You should be able to find a man if you want one."  Thanks mister...I always wanted to know that my most endearing quality was "not too aggravating."

3. "If you want a man to marry you, you have to get yourself pregnant."  This, from an 80-something woman who spent time looking through Victoria's Secret catalogs and pointing out lingere that I should buy.  She told me she'd buy it for herself if her husband weren't dead.  When I told her I didn't have a husband, she said I should wear it for my boyfriend.  When I told her I didn't have a boyfriend, she said "If you wore that you would!"

4. "When you and your husband make love, do you make a lot of noise?"  This was asked by a retired dentist who had a reputation for making inappropriate comments and attempting inappropriate physical touch with staff as well as other residents in an assisted living facility where I worked.  I ignored the question (red-faced) and asked him to leave my office.  Instead, he cornered me at my desk and proceeded to regale me with tales of his own sexual exploits with his "noisy" ex wife.  I was relieved when a co-worker entered the room and Mr. Dentist figured out it was time for him to exit.

5. "Your butt looks good in that dress.  Turn around and let me see it jiggle again."  Said to me by an assisted living resident as I walked to the door of his apartment to leave after dropping in to invite him to an activity.  I told him, "No, I'm not going to turn around, but thanks for the compliment.  Don't be a dirty old man."  To which he laughed and said, "Just because I'm old doesn't meant I don't notice a nice butt when I see it."

6. "Are those glasses supposed to look good?  Because they really look awful and I have no idea why you'd wear something like that on your face."  Um...so I can see, Mr. Eyewear Fashion Expert.  By the way, he said this to me DAILY.  So I finally got a new pair of glasses.  He still told me they were ugly.  Can't. Win.

7. "You cheated me at the BANGO (BINGO) and you cheat me every time because you don't like me. I'm going to get you, you little white bitch!" Then he proceeded to trap me in a corner with his wheelchair and hurl profanities at me until a co-worker came along and rescued me.  Turns out he was in our facility (at around 45 years old) because he was released from prison early due to his health.  He had murdered his wife and then botched his own suicide by shooting himself in the head in the wrong spot, resulting in brain injury.  He was the same resident who threatened to stab other BINGO players with a fork if he didn't win.

8. "If I could get some Viagra, do you think I'd have a chance with you?"  Asked by an elderly hospice patient with whom I had established a friendship.  He also asked this question of the nurse who visited him the next day.  The nurse, who was a male, responded that if he, the patient, had a chance he might have a chance himself, but unfortunately they were both probably out of luck.

9."No, I don't want to play BINGO or go to sing-a-longs or parties with old farts, so quit asking me and leave me the hell alone."  I kept going to visit him and eventually talked him into playing word games with the group.  He turned out to be an expert crossword puzzle solver and a connoisseur of romantic poetry.

10. "Hey mister, you wanna see my D*ck?" Said repeatedly by an elderly lady who sat in the hallway at Christmas time, asking me and every other person who walked by, this very confusing question.  When I gently and quietly reminded her that she was a lady and didn't have that body part and probably shouldn't ask that question of everyone who walked past, she answered, "Well my husband has a huge one and he loves to use it.  Whoooweee, he wore me out!"  After that, I decided to go sit with her in her room and get her to tell me stories about they days when she was a Sunday School Teacher.  It was a much better situation for her, me and everyone else.  Merry Christmas!

I'm sure if I gave it some more thought, I could come up with many more phrases that took me by surprise over the years.  Some were from patients with dementia, and some were from folks who were still of sound mind.  The reality is, as we age our social filters fall away and we feel free to say what's on our minds, regardless of how it affects other people or their opinions of us.  I suppose it can be a blessing and a curse; not caring what people think of you would be amazingly liberating but having people avoid you because they're worried about what you'll say next could get rather lonely.

Perhaps the most endearing quote of all came from a highly intelligent resident with whom I had spent an entire morning looking up and listening to Irish tunes and bands on YouTube just before our St. Patrick's Day celebration.  During the party the band was playing and everyone was singing along, having a great time when he looked over at me and with smiling eyes exclaimed, "What we need...Is a Unicorn!"  He meant to say Leprechaun, but the comment made us all laugh, including him, and has become a phrase I use a lot in times of extreme stress.  It always brings a smile to my face and a sweet memory of a great guy who was always a pleasure to be around.  It has become the phrase I use to remind myself that even on the worst days, life shouldn't be taken so darned seriously.  Thanks for that one, Bill.