Deal With It

Of course by now everyone realizes that Donald Trump is a woman-hating troll of a man who is so proud of his sense of entitlement that he doesn't realize how evil it is to grope, kiss, or "grab" a woman without her consent.  Even Republicans, after this last episode, are distancing themselves from hm.  There's that pesky rape charge too, you know, the one where he's accused of raping a 13 year old girl, and for which there are several witnesses who have come forward to back up the girl's story.  It's apparently compelling enough, evidence wise, that a federal judge has decided the case needs to move forward against Trump.

All of this seems to have started a new conversation across social media.  Today on Twitter Kelly Oxford opened a dialogue about sexual assault by inviting women to share stories of their own "first time" being assaulted.  The stories are poignant, direct and chilling because they're real--because too many of us have similar stories.  Most of us can give example after example of times we were groped, kissed against our wills, held down, asked too-personal questions by perfect strangers, been ignored when we said no.

There are those who would have us believe that Trump's behavior in that recording that was just released is just par for the course.  They say all men engage in such banter, outside the earshot of women, of course.  I say that's not true.  In my lifetime, I've known far too many men who would be mortified to even hear another guy use such language about women.  They would be angered to hear a man speak so casually of sexual assault, would likely get defensive of the women they love if they heard someone speaking in such a way.  Funny thing is, all those men of whom I speak are likely Republican, conservative Christian men.  Yet, they seem to find a moral loophole that makes it okay for them to support someone like Trump.  Even some women are finding ways around this issue so they can stay true to their party.  Party loyalty these days, seems to be synonymous with the betrayal of our own best interests.

We send a message every time a very public case of sexual assault hits the headlines and we excuse it away or blame the victim for it, we manage to silence girls in elementary school who are groped by high school students or teachers or dad's friends.  We silence the teenage girl who is forced into performing sexual acts on her coach, her youth leader, or her boyfriend.  We silence girls who are molested by step-dads and uncles and older siblings.  We tell them that it won't matter if they do speak up, no one will believe them.  We tell them that "men just do that stuff" and we as women "just have to deal with it."  Sexual assault, degradation, harassment have all become so commonplace for women that we consider it just another fact of life.  We do a poor job of teaching our daughters to guard their bodies, to protect themselves by being prepared to speak up when someone crosses a line with them because we are complacent.  We are complacent because in a way, I believe we feel defeated.

How many times do you get your breasts squeezed, or your ass rubbed, or have some guy try to put his hand up your skirt before you just resign yourself to the idea that this is how life is?

A few years back a guy friend of mine called me up on a Saturday night and asked if I wanted to go get some dinner.  I was bored, at home with no kids, so I said, sure, sounds fun.  I offered to meet him at the restaurant but he said  no, he'd pick me up. We went out and had a nice dinner, good conversation, he insisted on picking up the check.  Now mind you we never had any kind of romantic interaction before this.  We were friends, and my understanding was that we were a couple of friends going out to dinner.  That's it.  When he dropped me off, he insisted on walking me to the door, despite my saying it really wasn't necessary.  By the time I had the door unlocked and stepped inside to put my keys down, he was in my house, closing the door behind him.  I did not invite him in.  My dog was going wild, still a puppy and needed to go out.  I grabbed her leash and headed for the back door.  He followed me, stood over me while I walked her, and then followed me back inside the house.  I put down the leash, patted my dog and stood up.  He was right in front of me, grabbed me and started forcefully kissing me-shoving his tongue in my mouth.  I couldn't get away from him.  When he finally let go, I told him he needed to go.  I wasn't forceful enough, I was actually worried about hurting his feelings!  I told him I had to work the next day and couldn't stay up late.  I repeated that phrase a dozen times and fended off forceful kisses and hands groping me for the next 20 minutes until I finally convinced him to leave.  To this day he does not understand why I will not speak to him or show up at any function where he's likely to be in attendance.  He honestly saw NOTHING wrong with his behavior.

I've been groped at work, by clients and by coworkers.  On my first day of school a sixth grade boy ran his hand up my inner leg, underneath my skirt and other boys laughed about it.  In seventh grade a guy who was supposedly gay grabbed my crotch at the afternoon bus line and hollered to draw attention to what he was doing.  In high school my youth director from church would take me home last after church parties, and start sexually inappropriate conversations with me on the bus ride to my house.  He would make comments about how well I was "developing" and ask me if I had a boyfriend, and if I had kissed him, among other things.  When I was twelve a family member fondled me on a walk home from the store.  I've been cat-called, verbally demeaned (boys in middle school called me dildo lips because I had full lips.  I didn't even know what a dildo was) and forced to have sex against my will within a romantic relationship.  The sad thing?  Too many women in this world have stories just like mine, stories far worse than mine, and they are normalized.

We are made to believe that because men are men, we should expect and learn to live with these behaviors from them.  We shouldn't complain or press charges or even tell our parents when we are assaulted because, men just do that stuff.

My question for those people who are so quickly finding moral loopholes for Trump's behavior is this:  Would you be okay with what he said if he were saying it about your daughter? Your wife? Your mom?  Your sister?

Because there are a million other men just like him out there, and they likely are saying those things about the women and girls you love.  Worse yet, they are the ones groping them, fondling them, degrading them and raping them.  If you okay this behavior for one of them, you condone it for all of them.  Is that the guy you want to be?  Is that who you are?

And to those women who are buying into the idea that this "common" behavior is excusable in "certain instances" ask yourselves, if it were you in any of the above mentioned situations, which one would you find excusable?

There is nothing normal or acceptable in the entitled attitude that allows a man to believe he can behave any way he wants with women.  There is no moral loophole that excuses a man for "grabbing her by the pussy" or even kissing a woman against her will just because he thinks she's beautiful.  If you can find a way to make this okay in your mind, you need professional help.  I know that sounds snarky, but it is not meant to be.  If you are a woman, excusing this kind of behavior means you have a serious deficit in self-esteem.  If you are a man who defends this behavior, you are likely an abusive, narcissistic person. In either case, you need intervention; and as a country, we need to intervene and stand up for women and girls everywhere who are too often on the receiving end of sexual assault in all its various forms.