To My Sisters in Abusive Relationships. Here's Why I Will Not Support Your Decision to Stay.

I talk to women daily who find themselves int he midst of a struggle of decision.  "Should I stay for the kids?"  They ask.  "Should I go for myself?" or "Should I go for myself AND the kids?"

Here's a truth that none of us like to admit.  The Devil you know is better (in theory) than the Devil you don't know.  You stay because you think in doing so you possess some kind of control over the abusive situation.  You adapt your behaviors so much over time that you don't even realize you're behaving differently than you might otherwise behave.  It becomes second nature to accommodate your abusive partner.  You try to anticipate his responses, prepare your answers and rationale ahead of time.  You ask your friends what they think about the situation and you get 3 million different answers, all leaving you more confused than you were in the first place.

Let's cover first things first.  Abusers are like leopards.  They don't change their spots.  We are like zoo keepers. We learn how not to anger the leopard, how to protect the young and helpless from them, and how to anticipate when he might lash out.  Hanging around in a relationship with an abuser in hopes he might change is like being a zookeeper, standing in a cage with a wild animal with a raw steak tied around his neck, hoping the wild animal will not pounce.  Do you get the analogy here?

Many abusive men (and women) have what are called Personality Disorders, defined in the DSM V as a pervasive pattern of instability in relationships, problems getting along with others and significant impairment in their work and social lives.  While there is a lot of psychobabble flap about PD online the general consensus among Psychologists is that PD is not "curable".  Some PDs with time improve, but not until a person is in his or her 40's, and not ALL PDs improve.  Narcissistic PD, Obsessive Compulsive PD Antisocial PD and even Dependent PD are all Personality Disorders that according to the people who live with spouses who have them, only worsen over time.  This is most likely because the person who has the PD is not able to recognize that they have a problem.  They tend to see everyone else around them as the problem.  This is why waiting around for him to change is not only a waste of your valuable time, but can prove detrimental to your mental, emotional and even physical health.

There are many reasons women don't pack up and leave at the first sign of abuse.  One is that we are not taught to recognize abuse when we see it.  Not recognizing what we see, we feel responsible for his outburst so we adjust our behavior accordingly as to avoid another outburst.  By the way, an outburst doesn't have to be violent.  It can be snarky, passive aggressive behaviors or comments, it can be downright nasty verbal abuse, it can be the silent treatment, it can take the form of your partner holding you with tight reins, dictating where you go and when and whom with, etc...Outbursts come in the form of mild threats, like threatening to break up with you, or by ratcheting up his anger whenever you are legitimately angry with him about something.  He makes sure his anger is bigger and stronger than yours, so you are put back in the powerless position, left apologizing to him.

If you have kids with this kind of man, you might have yourself convinced you are better off staying with him, that way you can at least be there to anticipate and possibly intercept his abusive tirades toward the children.  You tell yourself that if your kids have to be with him on a weekend without you, you can't protect them properly, so you somehow reason that having them live there with him full-time, watching him abuse you and watching you twist and turn to accommodate him and avoid his outbursts is better for them.  What you are really helping your abusive partner create is a dysfunctional family dynamic that your children are going to carry with them into adulthood.  Their adult lives will likely be fraught with the same tensions they grew up experiencing because that will be all they know.

For most of the woman I talk to, money is the number one thing that holds them back.  I have spoken with wives of affluent families and wives of families who are barely getting by already.  All of them are quite convinced that they will not be able to make it on their own or that they can't keep up their current lifestyle if they leave their abusive partners.

One thing that most abusive partners have in common is that many of them handle most, if not all of the family finances (even when both partners work) and the abused partner is usually left in the dark about their financial state, either by choice or because her husband is controlling and secretive about money.  Many women have no idea how much their mortgage payments are, how much they still own on their homes, what their monthly utility costs are, or what their husbands spend on a regular basis.  Many women are given an "allowance" only for things they "need" as defined by their spouse.  So often women are paralyzed by finances simply because they have no clue where to start creating a budget that gives them a shot at living a comfortable life after divorce.

Statistically, and contrary to what you'll read on many "men's rights" websites, women suffer financially from divorce much more often than their ex husbands do, despite that the ex husband is usually the one paying child support and/or alimony payments.  Women who are in abusive relationships with men who exploit and use them financially actually worry about their ex suffering financially after the divorce.  The mental and emotional conditioning that happens in an abusive dynamic is so pervasive that it erodes a woman's confidence in herself and her ability to provide for her children, and added to that is a load of guilt about causing financial hardship for the ex who is abusing her.

But let's get down to the hard facts here.  I will not support you if you decide to stay in an emotionally, mentally, financially, sexually or physically abusive relationship, even if you believe in your heart of hearts that he will change.

Here's why:  He can change with or without you there.  You do not have to stick around and be miserable for his sake, tiptoeing around his temper and insecurities while you wait for him to grow up and learn to carry his end of the relationship.  I've known couples who divorced and ended up back together again in stable, happy marriages, but that change would never have happened if the abused spouse had not screwed her courage to the sticking place and LEFT with the intention of never returning.  Pay attention to that last part.  You cannot leave with the hope of reconciliation in your mind.  You must leave with the determination and resolve to make it on your own, to rebuild your self-confidence and esteem, and learn to set reasonable relationship boundaries before you even consider another relationship, even if it is with your ex.  Got that??  Good.

I will not support your decision to stay for the money, the house, the neighborhood, the social status or even the great schools for your kids.  Money is important.  It's something we need to survive, but life is about more than houses or cars or a certain affluent lifestyle.   You can live in mansion, have your kids in the best schools, on the healthiest, most expensive diet in the world, and still be miserable and raise kids who think that family life is supposed to be miserable.  You will in effect, continue the cycle of abuse for your children who are looking to you to show them what healthy relationships with boundaries, real love and respect are.  You cannot teach them any of those things while in an abusive relationship, even if it's with their father.

Fear is the one thing that holds women back.  They are afraid they cannot provide for their children, afraid they will have to give up too much of a life they have become accustomed to.  But at what cost do you stay?  You are giving the only life you will ever get to someone who does not value you, love you or respect you.  You are giving away years of yourself that you can never get back.  You are losing opportunities to teach your children about healthy boundaries and how to walk away from people who do not treat them well.

I have never known a responsible, caring, hardworking woman who was unable to give her children a good life after divorce.  Do we all make mistakes?  Of course we do--just as we would if we were still married to their fathers.  We might not be around to mitigate every instance of the ex's manipulative or verbal abuse tactics on our kids, but we can be their safe place to land after a hard weekend.  We can provide them with a home that is a haven away from the abusive, disordered parent where they can decompress, talk about the issues that are bothering them and work with you to find ways to cope with their less than healthy father.  Without you constantly running interference, your children will start learning coping skills and boundary setting at an early age with your help and guidance.  You can role model these things for them in your interactions with others, including their dad.  You can finally stop adjusting your behaviors and constantly trying to anticipate and control the next outburst, silent treatment or other abusive episode.

As far as finances go, you need to get to work.  Find out things you don't know.  Hire an attorney to file for financial discovery if that's what you have to do to find hidden accounts, the information regarding credit and mortgage information and any savings you might have jointly that are tucked away in accounts you know nothing about.  Like I said before, many abusers in other ways are also financial abusers or exploiters.  Many women find that there are financial resources they never knew existed.  It is not uncommon for these men to squirrel away money in secret retirement accounts or other accounts and hide them from their wives.  Find out what your utilities cost, including phone bills, internet, TV services, car insurance, everything you can think of.  Subtract any amount that you currently pay for your husbands expenses, such as travel to and from work, his car payment, his car insurance, medical bills, prescriptions, clothes, extra spending.  This will give you a more realistic picture of what your financial outlook is.  Factor in what he should be paying in child support or alimony and make sure you have the court order child support that is directly taken from his paycheck every pay period.  Most women find that with their jobs (even part time) and child support they are able to keep their heads above water.

Of all things, don't let the devil you know keep you from forging a new life without the constant drag of his abusive behaviors.  The devil you don't know is usually money, and there are endless ways out there to make ends meet, even in the toughest of times.  The sacrifices you may have to make, like living in a smaller house or eating less expensive food, or shopping less often will pale in comparison to the peace of mind and freedom you feel as you forge your new life without the added weight of an abusive, controlling partner dragging you down.

It can be done.  I did it and many other women do it every day.

I will support you in any way I can when you decide to get free.  But if you are in an abusive, miserable relationship that is keeping you from reaching your potential and damaging your children, I'm sorry to say, I cannot lend you my support.

Find your courage.  Ask for help.  Get to safety and get free.