People Of Walmart

Ok...I'm digressing from my rant about Match.com for a minute. Only because I saw this posted on FB this morning and it cracked me up. Also because I could rant about Wal-Mart shoppers all day long. It's not so much how they dress (although there is some great entertainment value there) for me, it's about the way they DRIVE! Yes, I said drive. Among other things...

Honestly, if one more housewife looking off to her left in fear of missing some great deal, bumps into me or runs over my kid one more time, I'm not going to be responsible for my actions! Seriously people, it is a basic rule for any object (or person) in motion: WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING!

Then there are the ones who block the aisle in front of you and move sooooo slowly that you end up turning around and going back around the way you came, go all the way down the next aisle and then U turn back to the other end of the aisle you were previously in, where the same person is still standing in the same spot looking at the SAME BOTTLE OF SUAVE SHAMPOO, just so you can grab your own shampoo and head to over to the Feminine Hygiene section....

Where there is an incredibly hairy and creepy guy hanging out, pretending to look at reading glasses but really just watching you pick out your tampons.

So you grab your box of Tampax Pearl and head on over to the wine section, because after this trip, you're going to need to drink when you get home. But when you reach the beer and wine section, you can't get through that aisle either because there is a married couple standing there with their cart in the middle of the aisle. They are arguing about whether to get Miller or Coors Light. You try to politely say, " 'Scuse me!" and squeeze through, but they don't budge. They just stand there and glare at you the way they were just glaring at one another a few seconds ago. And then you bump their cart with yours because they wouldn't move it the hell out of the way, so the husband rolls his eyes and with a loud "HUFF" slides the cart over to the side a little...once you've already gotten past them. You pick out your six pack or bottle of wine and head to the checkout as fast as you can (which won't be very fast) still hearing the bickering couple in the background as you walk away.

You're almost done! You are thinking how lucky you are to be so efficient, looking forward to the moment when all your stuff is bagged up and you step out into the sunshine of the free world again, when a ten year old NASCAR wannabe who has been allowed to "help" by pushing the cart comes barrelling out of the potato chip isle and T-bones your cart, sending a shockwave of impact through every joint in your upper body and causing you to ram the push-bar thingy into your gut. You think you might have broken a rib, but before you have time to clear your head and register what has happened, the kid's mom comes screaming obscenities from the aisle behind him about how he needs to be careful because, "These damn people in here don't know how to watch where they're going!" This leaves you pretty speechless, so you just shake off the impact of the crash and head, with even more determination, to the check out.

Where you wait in line for what seems like far too long, considering the person in front of you is only buying a pack of Twizzler's and a tube of body lotion. Then, as you reach the check-out counter, you realize you have managed to pick the one line in the store with the chatty cashier. The worst part is, you don't even know what the hell she's talking to you about because she's continuing her end of the conversation she was just having with the last two customers, so you just keep smiling and nodding and praying to God that she shuts up soon and just bags up your shit so you can leave.

Finally! You swiped your debit card, grabbed all your bags and threw them back in the cart and headed for the door!

Where the greeter has stopped a customer in front of you to check his reciept, and it's decided that she'll also need to check yours. So you dig the reciept back out of your purse and hold it up for her so she can make a yellow mark on it with her highligter pen. You try to be patient, because, after all, what if you need that reciept later, in case you accidentally bought defective tampons?


You made it! You're walking out into the fresh air, focused intently on the sun-glare coming from the roof of your car! Yay, you remembered where you parked! You manage to make it across the parking lot without getting hit by a car, open your trunk and start loading up your stuff. Then you notice a car parked in the drive behind you, lights on, engine running right blinker on. The driver is impatiently staring at you to let you know, without a doubt, that he's waiting for your space so hurry up. You politely wave to acknowledge him, finish your task and then go to put your cart in the designated area. That's when he starts flashing his bright lights at you and rolls down his window so you can hear him cursing, not at you, but...at you. You make it back to your car, crank up the engine, throw her into reverse and start to back out. But the guy behind you has pulled so close, you have no room to back out. So you sit there and wait for him to back up a little, which he does while vigorously shaking his head and calling you an idot.

But you are out of there! Finally, back at home with all your wares. And you realize as you empty the last bag and head to the bathroom that you forgot to buy toilet paper...Wonder if Family Dollar is still open???