Life is Sweet

He used to rest his head beside mine, his body long and stretched out across the bed, with his socked feet tapping out a sleepy rhythm as we drifted off to meet our dreams.  It was his safe place, that pillow beside mine, where he would lie and smile back at me as I made some joke or called him a silly nickname.  It was the safe place he came to when something out there was trying to pull him off in the wrong direction.

There are nights, still, when I wish I could reach over and touch the top of his fuzzy head like I used to do. There are times when I wish he would bashfully pull my arm across him and fold it under his, not because he wanted to give me affection, but because he wanted to feel safe.  I never thought of those quiet nights, floating off on our pillows to our own dreamworlds together, that what we had was a haven of sorts.

All I knew was that he would be here, if not on Friday or Saturday, for sure on Sunday night.  We would drink our wine and laugh until our bellies hurt, and then around midnight, we would settle into the quiet ease of kinship, where neither of us had to speak a word and the TV didn't need to be on.  We found our little niche and it was a beautiful thing because we never examined it to deeply.  It just was, and it made us peaceful and safe.

As one who over-thinks and over-analyzes most everything and everyone, I can hardly believe such a sweet time in my life passed me by without scrutiny.  Why didn't I realize then, that he was looking to me for guidance?  Why didn't I be a stronger person for him?  Invite him to rest his head beside mine, or hang his feet off the end of my couch more often?

Because for once, and because of him, I was able to let go of the need to pick everything apart and see how it worked.  Because he made me laugh and he made me angry.  He made me sad and he made me love him so, so much with his own refusal to adhere to the conventions of the world around us.  He was one of a kind, and this is one of those nights when I can't help but miss him.

I lay in my bed for about a minute tonight, trying to think of lyrics to a song that said what I was feeling.  This is the line I wanted to remember:

"I still can hear you saying, 'All of life is a chance. And is sweetest, oh is sweetest, when at a glance."

Those were some sweet times that I will forever treasure, even on nights like tonight, when I wish so hard that I could reach across the bed and find him curled up in the fetal position with his socks still on.  My arms can't reach him anymore, but what he taught me about safety, about living sweetly will forever guide my path until my last breath.  And his pillow, worn and deflated with all the cares that were too heavy for him to carry, will stay ever beside me to bear the weight of my burdens as well.

Until we will rest our heads together again someday in another, more beautiful place.