7 New Year's Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

7. Spend more time on the couch. Let’s face it, exercise sucks and you work hard. You deserve more time in front of the TV.  New Year’s resolutions are all about making us have happier, more fulfilling lives, right? If spending the weekend on the couch watching an entire TV series on Netflix makes you happy and fulfilled, go for it!

6. Charity starts at home. You already pay taxes and you gave a dollar to the Salvation Army this past Christmas. It’s time to take care of YOU. Volunteer to clean up your own yard, not the local park. Keep your money and spend it on yourself—those other suckers can make a difference in the world out there, you’re making a difference where it counts most…to you…

5. Spend more and save nothing. You only live once, and you’ll only get ONE 2013, so if you see something you want, get it! Don’t have enough money for bills? Borrow some from a payday loan place. As long as the lights stay on, everything’s cool, right? Besides, spending makes you happy—ever heard of retail therapy??

4. Avoid social gatherings and family functions as much as possible. Who needs the added stress of abiding by social graces and pretending to be interested in what’s going on in the lives of your family members? You’ll be much happier if you keep to yourself and let everyone else do the same.

3. Drink often and smoke much. After all, drinking makes you more relaxed and smoking calms your nerves. Why stress yourself out over your health when you can have a drink (or five) and forget all your troubles? Also, if you quit smoking, you’ll have to forfeit those smoke breaks at work, and you need that 10 minutes out of every hour to stay focused.

2. Think about going back to school, changing careers or starting a new relationship. When it comes to doing something that can really change your life for the better, there’s no time like the present to think about it. Maybe you’ll actually get around to doing it in 2014.

1. Gain at least 5 pounds. Stuck in that strange place between a size 8 and a size 12? There’s a simple fix for that. Chances are, another 5 pounds would put you perfectly into a size 12. No more struggling to find pants that fit or trying on clothes before you buy them. You can start by eating out more, eating more sweets and drinking more sodas. It is much easier to gain weight than to lose it, and you’re not in to self-defeating behaviors. Stick to what you’re good at, and you’ll have a year for the record books!