Catching up

Sometimes I get angry if I think too much about all the people I know in my own family and otherwise who, over the years, have shown gross disregard for my father's kindness and generosity.  My dad has always been a kind-hearted man.  He never forgot what growing up in a large poor family taught him about life and he let those lessons guide him throughout his.  I can't even recall how many "stray" kids he allowed to live under our roof with us as we grew up in our own big family with limited means.  One thing my dad always had enough of was love and acceptance.  A lot of folks came to admire and appreciate him for his big heart and kind nature, but there was also no shortage of ungrateful leeches who took advantage of him without ever looking back.

It isn't easy to stay silent when you see someone you really care about being mistreated. If I think for too long about those people who took more from my father than he ever offered or could afford to give, I get tempted to pick up the phone and make a few calls.  I want to tell them they're jerks and I hope their misdeeds come back to haunt them but I know that my anger will never be enough to right the wrongs that were done.  I believe my father thinks about all of those people who took from him unfairly too, but he knows it is too late to go back and change anything.

Right now I'm finding myself in a tight spot with someone I really love a lot.  I feel as though I am walking on a tightrope, wanting to do things differently than my dad did them because I don't want to look back at myself and feel the indignation that takes me over when I think of the injustices done to him; however, it is extremely important to me that I preserve the relationship that is being tested.  Part of the problem is, I don't see myself as I see my father.  He has always held a place of reverence in my heart and mind.  I have a hard time seeing his imperfections and I'm often tempted to put him on a pedestal.  I know he wouldn't want that, which makes him seem even more perfect to me.  I am far from perfect.  I see my faults above all else and I struggle to remind myself that I should be respected and treated with the same kindness and positive regard that I give to others.

Probably the the toughest struggle in all of this is the seemingly impossible task of handling this situation in a way that satisfies all the people in my life who are telling me to stand up for myself and stop letting the other person take advantage of me.  My sister, my daughter, my friends all speak to me in frustration, with anger welling up inside them so intensely that I can't help but feel like I am letting them down just by being who I am.

Difficult conversations aren't my specialty.  People who know me and want to push my limitations know this and they tend to take advantage of it.  I shut down when I am cornered and right now I feel like a kindergartener with her nose pressed firmly against the square edge of a wall.  The only way out of this is to turn myself around and speak up.

I love my dad, but I don't want to end up sitting alone with the thoughts of how I should have looked after my own resources in a more self-preservative manner.  I don't want the people who love me to lose respect for me because they think I lack respect for myself.  I don't want the people who are treating me poorly to ever feel that their behavior is justified.  I know that by not speaking up, I'm sending the message that they can do as they please and I will just lie down and be their doormat as they come and go, but that's not the reality and it is not the message I want to send.

So I've spoken up for myself today.  I've said things I needed to say and there's probably still more I need to communicate before this is all resolved.  I know I can't control how another person chooses to react to my truth and I have to accept that by sharing it, I might alienate someone I care about very much.

Maybe this person will decide she doesn't want me to be a part of her world anymore, but she can't decide to make me stop loving her.  I might be some woman in the shadows of her life but I will be here.  She might never come looking for me again, but I will always be watching out for her, even if all I can give her are my prayers.

As hard as this experience is, I keep reminding myself that trials between people who care about one another can make their bond even stronger in the end.  I am realizing that I am not preserving anything by throwing away my own need to receive the same regard I give to others.  I'm praying for the strength and courage to plant my feet firmly on this principle.  I'm hoping for the power to believe in myself, even though it seems like everyone else is losing faith in me.

I can do this.  Even with everything else that is weighing so heavily on my mind, I know I have the strength to do what's right in this situation.  I know I have to find the strength to accept the consequences that follow.  I know I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself first.

These lessons have been difficult for me to learn but my mind knows the truth, even if my heart has yet to catch up.