Annoyed by Old People?

Do you think old ladies are disgusting?  Do you cringe when you get behind an elderly man at the cash register who doesn't know how to swipe his debit card?  Think old people smell bad?  Hate the way they complain about "kids these days"?  Do you despise their ignorance regarding technology, their flip phones and their confusion about email and Facebook?

Well here's some discouraging news for you.  Unless you die first, you will be one of those people someday and some young douchebag is going to be standing in line behind you at the supermarket cursing under his breath because you don't understand this whole implant under your wrist thing that has to be scanned when you pay for your Metamucil.  

That's right, you will someday have chronic constipation unless you drink your fiber every day.  Then YOU will poop your pants because the Metamucil kicked in at the wrong time and you walk so slow (due to all those years of abusing your knees climbing mountains, doing yard work and jogging) that you cant make it to the bathroom on time.  Also, you will likely piss in your pants and need to wear diapers.

And if you are an elder-hater,now, you deserve every elderly ailment known to man.  In fact, you deserve to age prematurely just so you can get a clue.

I work with the elderly.  A long time ago I wrote a blog post that was not at all intended to be serious. It was probably mildly irreverent, but I let some of my elder friends read it and they all agreed it was accurate and pretty funny.  It was not written out of disrespect or a lack of regard for their life experiences, but from the point of view of someone who works with them every day and hears their woes on a regular basis.  That blog post has gotten more hits than anything else I've ever posted and the search term that always gets it to pop is always phrased something like, "Why are old people so annoying?" "I hate old people" "Annoying things old people do" yadda yadda...

So I put in a similar search term tonight and I was appalled at the intolerance and hate speech directed at the elderly that I found.  Some of these same people who go on and on about how the elderly should just go ahead and die also go into long rants about how the elderly of today are the same generation who fought against Civil Rights, hate gays and encouraged religious oppression.  I am amazed at the lack of insight it would take for a person to be able to discriminate in such a way against a population (a large part of the population) on the basis of their age alone and in the next breath condemn other people for being intolerant.

Do you think the elderly are clueless about their shortcomings?  I assure you, they are not.  They know they are slow.  They acknowledge that they're intimidated by technology.  They understand far more about life than you do and they know that when they were your age, they were just as stupid as you are now.  That's why it's so difficult for them to just sit back and watch you be an asshole without saying something about it.  Did you ever consider that their voiced opinions might have some merit based on the idea that they've already lived the years that you haven't even imagined making it through yet?

Do you think old ladies enjoy peeing their pants every time they sneeze?  Of course they don't, but they don't really complain about it all that much because they know the reason they can't control their bladders is because they carried and gave birth to your mother or your father or your uncle Fred.  So you aught to be thankful for the fact that your wrinkly grandma wears Depends and tries not to laugh too hard in public; if she didn't have to worry about those things, it would probably mean you didn't exist.

You think it's easy for your grandpa to hand over his driver's license?  It isn't.  Imagine how you'll feel one day when your grown children have to sit you down and tell you that you are scary behind the wheel and they're taking your keys away.  Yeah, grandpa would love to be able to go out for a beer and holla at some bitches.  He's still a man, you know--and probably more of a man than you'll ever be, despite the fact that he respects women enough to not refer to them all as "bitches", is too embarrassed to ask his doctor for Viagra and falls asleep every time he takes a few sips of a beer.  Guess what?  Someday your man-stick isn't going to work either.  You're going to have trouble peeing because your prostate is enlarged and one of them "bitches" you be hollin' at now is going to be wiping your ass for you.  

That's reality, man.

Old age is coming for you.

And that's something the elderly secretly feel pretty good about when you're being an asshole to them.  They might not know much about iPhones, but they do know your fate, even if you're too much of a tool to realize where you're headed.  And by the way, it will all happen a lot quicker than you think.

So go ahead and be a hater.  Time will get its revenge on you.