Next?

I remember the days when all of life was something to be conquered.  It was sometimes a grueling way to live, but it wasn't all bad.  I think that attitude brought me a very long way in this world before, eventually, all the "stuff" of life caught up with me and I ended up wallowing for a while in all the mire of one stubborn problem or another.  It took me some time to learn that often in life, you get dealt a hand-full of crap that just refuses to be conquered at all.  Sometimes you just have to accept what IS and keep moving, otherwise you'll just stay stuck forever.

It's hard to believe my mother ever let me be lazy enough to sit and watch her vacuum, but I'm glad she did.  When I think about myself in recent years I am reminded of those times when I would watch her vacuum over the same piece of lint 200 times, rather than just stop, pick it up, and move on.  How did I not get frustrated with myself sooner, going over the same old ground time after time, instead of just stopping, removing the obstacle, and moving on?  Just like my mom who almost wore a hole in the carpet going over the same spot a million times, I have stayed stuck in the same place for far too long.  You can't keep going, can't conquer anything as long as you stay stuck in one place.

I think I know the exact moment when the light came on in my head and I finally saw myself running over the same ground again and again.  It was a sad, kind of traumatic event that I really could have avoided had I been more aware, more willing to just stop for a minute, examine what I was doing and choose a different course of action.  I know I can't go back and change the past. I can't go back and make myself come to these realizations sooner, can't save myself the wasted time.  All I can do is keep going forward.

It helps to know that even in the midst of the fog and confusion I WAS doing things to pull myself out of the mire.  

I start my new job tomorrow.  It is a job I applied for way back in October of last year, and again in November, and again in December.  In fact, I applied for it every time I saw it advertised but I never heard a single word from the employer. I had pretty much put it out of mind by the time January rolled around.  Certainly by February I had nearly forgotten about it, figuring the position had long-since been filled.  Then I opened my email one morning a couple of weeks ago and there it was, a request for an interview.

I ended up with two job offers at once, and for the first time in my life I had the opportunity to choose which job suited me best.  For all the discounting and accusations of laziness and lack of effort I endured for months,  I know these offers came because I put in the effort, I did the work, I made the good impressions.  This next step in life is a kind of vindication for me; it is validation that I am indeed a valuable person with some good things to put into this world.

I'm finally back in that old familiar place, feeling like myself again.  I'm dusting off my hands, taking a deep breath and looking both ways.  I'm finally done with all those things that didn't work and looking ahead to my own future.  I'm taking stock of what I've accomplished, learning from those things I wasn't able to conquer and greeting what awaits me, hands on hips, surprised at the strength in my own voice as I look fate in the eye and determinedly ask, "What's next?"