Irony

"You have a lot of kidney function still, but not enough to keep you off dialysis."

"You do a great job with your diet, but if we can't get your calcium under control with medication, you'll have to get a parathyroidectomy."

"We have a really great meeting place for a senior center; it's a shame more people won't come."

"Your son is extremely intelligent; but he has ADHD and needs medication or he will never be able to live up to his potential."

My day today.  An exercise in cosmic irony, it landed me here on my couch, eyes closed as I type this because I'm too tired and overwhelmed to even look at it.   Yeah, I know It'll need editing later. 

It's like living in a world of big ol' buts--running into them everywhere you turn. 

They somehow erase whatever came before them.  The worst words to hear?  "I love you, but..."  You know what I'm talking about.

They leave you overwhelmed and  worn out and feeling like everything you do in life is pretty darned pointless at times.  I know it's not really.  I know my decisions matter, I know it matters whether or not I can take a medication that is from Satan himself (which my doctors all swear I should tolerate "just fine" based on the notion that other patients tolerate it with no problem.  Hello, y'all, I'm not "other patients"  I'm me.) 

Today I saw a new practitioner whom I'd never met before.  She stared at my lab report and spoke in amazement at how great most of my lab values were.  Then she harped on the calcium and Senispar and yadda yadda.  She wanted to know what kind of dialysis solution I use (the weakest one) was completely blown away that I still get my period same as I always did.  She was completely taken aback at the fact that four years into dialysis, I still pee.  I've never had an EPO shot, my potassium levels have never gone wacko.  I don't retain fluids so I can drink all I want without worry.  I try to see all these things as blessings--my life could be much harder.  Today though, I sort of felt angry about it.  "You still have a lot of kidney function, but...."  Ugh, I'm so tired of hearing that.  So tired of kidneys that only half-ass do their job and doctors that want me to get a transplant and take scary drugs the rest of my life just because THEY think that's what is best for me...I'm just not convinced yet.

Then my boy--school, poor communication between them and me made me miss Thanksgiving Lunch with him today because his teacher told me to be at school at 12:20 and for some reason I was supposed to have been there at 10:30 instead but I didn't know that so my kid sat and waited and waited for me and I never showed up.  I felt like mud because of that.  Who eats lunch at 10:30 a.m.?  Apparently I can go tomorrow but I don't know what time to go...So much confusion over such a simple thing--it's so unnecessary.

 Charlie's 504 meeting is finally coming up  tomorrow.  I found out today that his teacher has gone to China until after the holidays, so on the day he starts his medication and for the next few weeks, she will not even  be there to observe him and see if the meds are making  a difference at all.  She's supposed to be at this meeting tomorrow, so I'm not sure who I"m meeting with now besides the Vice Principal and for some reason a speech therapist.  As far as I know my kid doesn't have any speech issues so I'm really puzzled by that one.

So...The meeting is finally upon us but the teacher who needs to be present to make all this work is in China.

That's my day. 

So sue me if I'm overwhelmed and headachy and generally am embracing my own bad attitude.


I will find my optimism again by tomorrow morning.  A good night's sleep fixes my attitude most of the time.

Everybody just better keep their buts out of my way tomorrow.