The Genesis

Earlier today a couple of people asked me some questions about my blog.  I started this thing way back in 2011, mostly as a form of comic relief as I found myself re-entering the big-bad scary world of dating, which in this modern era seems to revolve an awful lot around meeting people via the internet.  I joined a few online dating sites and as I went on dates with one loser after another, found myself becoming more and more amused with the diverse array of lunacy out there.  Just perusing men's online profiles provided enough entertainment to make me forget about being lonely.  Seriously, they were whack.

So I made up a name (get a little happy) because that was after all, my goal in finding a special someone, and thought the whole theme of this blog experience would center around my online dating fiascoes.  Obviously somewhere along the way, I lost my focus.

I find catharsis in writing out my thoughts and feelings.  I live so much inside my own head that it often gets crowded in here.  I must find some way to empty out a little of the noise so I can make sense of it, order things, put them in their places.

The blog became, I suppose, a kind of journal about my journey.  I started out in one place and now that I look back, I realize I've come a long way, baby.  I went from making fun of myself to taking myself too seriously, to taking other people too seriously, to wherever I am now.  I don't know where that is exactly, but ask me in another year or so and I can tell you; because I am writing it all down as I go.

Someone asked me, "How do you get over the feeling of throwing other people under the bus when all you want to do is write about your experiences from your own perspective?"  I have no idea.  I guess I've never felt like I threw anyone under any bus with my blog.  Maybe I've called some people out before, but thrown them under a bus?  No way.  My understanding of "throwing someone under a bus" is when you try to blame someone else for your own shortcomings.  I try my best NOT to do that; however, I'm okay with letting someone know when they've hurt me or angered me or both.  To me that's not shoving someone into oncoming traffic, it's holding them accountable and expecting them to do the same for me.

Nobody's perfect.

How do you not get depressed when you go back and read over all your old posts?  One person wanted to know.  Easy answer: I don't usually go back and read through my old posts; not often anyway.  When I do, I try to read them with the understanding that in the moment they were written, I was doing the best I could with whatever circumstances I had at the time.  I wrote to get clarity, to find where I was going wrong, and to see if I needed to change something in my life.  In most every case I can see where I took the steps I needed to take, I can see my own change and growth.  That's how I can read back over some of my own saddest days and not wallow in the sadness all over again.  You can't beat yourself up endlessly for making mistakes in the past.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Some days my son comes  home with a blank sheet of paper and instructions from his teacher.   "He needs to write an introduction, 3 paragraphs and a conclusion at home tonight because he never got started in class."  The thing is, Charlie always has great ideas, he just doubts himself a lot; so in his moments of self-doubt, not knowing if his idea is "good enough" he sits thinking, afraid to put pencil to paper and just get started.  Once he's home we talk over his ideas and when he articulates something brilliant to me I say, "There ya go!  That's what you write down!"  He's still unsure at first but once he gets started the ideas flow, he writes that intro, three paragraphs and a conclusion with no problem.  It's all in the getting started that a lot of us trip ourselves up.  Myself included.

We are all filled with self-doubt.

Journaling is my therapy.  It soothes me, relaxes me, helps me make sense of the senseless or to at least accept that some things never make sense.  Maybe it's not for you.  Maybe a walk in nature is your thing, or listening to music or even playing an instrument, singing, dancing, banging on a drum.  Maybe your therapy is a night out with friends, a big hug, an afternoon snuggled on the couch with your dog.  Maybe your therapy is actually a real live therapist who listens without judging you and helps you find your own way through the emotional muck.  Whatever it is, embrace it.  Get started.  Eventually you'll be glad you did.

We all need something to keep us sane.

The Quest is my sanity (or rather my insanity) splayed out in words for the world to see.  It's messy and sometimes raw and often poorly articulated, but it is me and perhaps one of the most therapeutic aspects of all is in finding that I'm not alone.  People identify with much of what I write because we all go through tough times.  We all get lost.  We all get scared. We all feel loss and pain and sorrow.

We are all human.

And that's what this blog is all about.