Back to Me

I got a new CD for Christmas.  It's a Neil Young CD, with lots of the songs that got me hooked on Neil to start with,a few years ago, and a couple I've never heard before.  It's strange how I have felt so out of my element lately, like I'm just feeling my way around, really unsure of what I should do next and even of who I am.  When I put the CD in my computer and settled down on my couch to relax I had no idea that his voice coming from these speakers would make me feel so at home in my own skin.

The first song I listened to was "Bad Fog of Loneliness".  It's a song I had forgotten about; but a song that truly describes me and the situation I'm in.  I listen to it and remember my resolve, only a few months ago, that I was meant for singleness and that I was determined to be at peace with my destiny.  I guess the loneliness got to me though--a bad fog of it that led me to make bad decisions for myself, like getting re-involved with a man that I knew couldn't, wouldn't and probably shouldn't love me.  I let myself get comfortable with his company instead of getting comfortable with my alone-ness.

After several days of not communicating with him at all, I struggle again with the pain of being forgotten--being used up and tossed aside again. Although I'm not surprised by it all, I am still sad and disappointed in him.  I remind myself that this is who he is: distant, cut-off from the world, emotionally, and sometimes, downright mean.  He's also the sweet man I came to love at some point, but in loving the sweetness of him, I must also accept the ugliness and love him despite it.  I must love him from a safe distance and never let him get a hold on me again.  It's not healthy for me or for him, the way things have been lately and I know we are both better off apart than we would be together if things must stay the way they've been lately.  I have no desire to hold him back and I don't intend to let him drag me down anymore.  I know I'm doing the right thing to keep my distance, but it is so hard to not reach out to him somehow.

It is my nature to want to keep the peace.  I almost always cave to the other person's wishes in order to avoid conflict.  This time though, I have to be strong and let this discord be.  I can't take any more insults from him: He doesn't even seem to realize how insulting he can be at times, perhaps because he doesn't understand that I value his opinion about things.  If you value someone else's point of view, it cuts into your soul when they criticize you or tell you you aren't good enough.  I know he's only one person in my world, who used to be in my world, but he's been pretty important to me.

I just keep praying that I will learn to love the way God intends for me to love.  I keep practicing the letting-go part of loving in hopes that it will eventually become natural to me to love without holding on too tightly.  I keep reminding myself that love is not something I do for myself, it is a gift I give to those God has blessed me with.  I shouldn't expect anything from anyone, I should just love.  I think if I ever get that right, everything else will likely fall into place and I will find the peace and contentment I crave.


I'm thankful for my new CD.  I'm happy about getting reacquainted with a part of myself that I have neglected for a long time--a part of myself that I really like.  Oh, and lest I forget, I'm thankful for Neil...maybe someday I'll get to hang out with him and we can swap stories.  Wouldn't that just be the coolest thing ever??  I think so.