Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?

I've heard this whine so many times it makes my head spin around on my shoulders like I'm possessed by evil spirits whenever someone says it to me now.  So many men think they have to be assholes if they want a woman in their lives because "Women don't like nice guys, they like jerks."  That one irks me too.

Here's how it happens (or at least here's how it has always played out in my life).  Woman meets man.  He is kind, thoughtful and considerate.  He volunteers (or so he says) he goes to church, he has 7 kids to raise by himself because his slut wife left him, his parents were abusive and he either has deep emotional scars that he needs Woman to help him heal, or he hates everyone in the world besides Woman...It all depends on the guy really, but that's the general scenario.  He wins Woman's affection, by being kind to her and/or telling her the horrifying tales of his past.  She thinks he's a sweet guy (meaning NICE) and decides to give him a chance, and things are great for a while.  THEN, he decides if he wants to keep her, he better start treating her like crap because women don't REALLY like nice guys.

The reality is, if you have this line of thinking, you are pretty self-absorbed and you probably aren't as much of a nice guy as you think you are.  How many women have you gotten involved with by being kind and thoughtful in the beginning?  Are you even aware that you morph into some other person after you've been with someone a while?  We don't fall for jerks.  We fall for men who we believe are GOOD men, and then they BECOME jerks.  What was that you said?  Women become Bitches?  Yes, we do at times.  Some women are bitches, just like some men are really jerks and nothing will change that.  But if you got involved with a woman you KNOW is a good person and she suddenly starts acting bitchy, it's probably something you said--or did or didn't do that you should have done.

I actually told a guy very recently that he was a nice guy.  He reacted as if I just called him an ugly name.  "I'm not a nice guy!" he said.  "Nice guys finish last and I'm not going to finish last."  That was the beginning of him becoming a jerk to me.  I stuck with him though, believing the best of him despite the evidence to the contrary.

Here's what women want: A companion.  That means someone to talk to, do things with, cuddle with, make love with, hang out and do nothing with.  We want someone who is on our side, who will stand with us through thick or thin.  We, just like you, want someone we find attractive yet not conceited.  Just so you know, when I say "someone we find attractive" that doesn't mean you have to look like Brad Pitt, but at least bathe, do something with your hair and wear something besides ragged T-shirts and jeans once in a while. Just as you don't like the idea of a fat woman, we don't like the idea of a fat man, but the difference is, if we truly love you, we will love you despite your imperfections and even if you are fat or get fat, we'll hang in there with you because we care about you.

Your nice-guys finish last mantra will always defeat you.  Every time you feel like you're starting to fall for a woman, you'll start acting like an asshole.  You might not even be aware that you're being an asshole, but you are.  You stop calling, you stop being considerate, you stop acting like you care, and then she catches on to your attitude and she changes how she behaves towards you.  She wants the "nice" you to come back, but the harder she tries to get back to the YOU she fell for, the less of that person you are, until finally she gives up and goes looking elsewhere for what she wants--and you think, "I knew it.  Nice guys always finish last."

Bob tripped over his enormous ego during the last leg of the race

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have the "nice guy" who calls too much, expects too much of your time, and smothers the daylights out of you.  He seems like a nice guy, but his insecurity drives you crazy.  Love is not insecure.  It is confident because real love doesn't depend on the response you get from another person.  Love isn't knowing that someone else is always thinking about you or needing to be near you at all times.  Love is something you give without regard for what you get in return.  If you're obsessing over a woman, you aren't in love with  her. You are trying to soothe yourself by having her reassure you that you are loved.  You aren't being a "Nice Guy" showing his love, you're being a self-absorbed insecure BAD GUY.  Self-absorption will trip you up every time.

So, to all of you REAL nice guys out there who think you'll never find a good woman I say, check up on yourself before you blame women for "crapping on you" because you're nice.  Are you really a nice guy or do you just think you are because you're not getting what you want from life?  I have no doubt that there are really some nice men out there. I say that with a lot of hope and even a tad of faith because I've yet to meet any of you.  If I ever do meet a nice guy, I hope he'll be single and emotionally available as well, but to be quite honest, I'm growing weary of looking for you.

Be who you are.  Don't adjust your personality based on what you believe you have to do to hang onto someone. Who ever said life was a race anyway?  So what if you do "come in last?"  The point is to finish the race and to be at peace with who you are.  Life is a journey not a competition.  Try not to be a sore loser when things don't go your way, just keep your nice little head up and keep moving forward.  You'll finish the race in time, and even if you don't get there before all your friends, you'll be right where you're supposed to be, just when you're supposed to be there.

Here's to Nice Guys everywhere.  May you finish.