So, I busted up my leg. Okay, the dogs helped. But my leg is so busted up...I'm a few days away from my 40something birthday, and I have the first broken bone of my life. Call me crazy, but I'm kind of proud to have finally joined ranks with my fellow human beings who, at some point in life, have suffered the insane amount of pain that comes with a fractured bone. Additionally, I'd like to ask them why they never warned me concerning how much of a challenge even the simplest of things can be when you can't use one of your legs. In the last few days, I believe I have grown to respect people who adapt to life without the use of one of their limbs more than I ever could have before. This crap isn't easy. I know I have a long way to go with this broken episode of mine, but here is what I have learned so far, that I wish someone else had prepared me for like, I dunno, maybe the day BEFORE my leg got broken???
1. Being dependent on other people for even the smallest of things, really humbles you. I was with a friend, thank goodness, when I had my fateful run in with two excited dogs who, not really minding that I was standing in their way, plowed right through me as if I weren't there at all. Then, thinking I was playing with them, the dogs started to paw at my head and lick me furiously until they were chased away. My first inkling of how bad this whole thing was going to suck was the moment my friend told me to "just lie there" while he took one of the dogs back to her kennel. And there I was. Lying on the grass in the hot sun, all alone, listening for the sound of footsteps, wondering if maybe there was a chance I wasn't really that hurt. Then came the moment that I had to be literally picked up off the ground, unable to bear any weight on my left leg. And then having to be carried to the car, wheeled into the ER, carried up my front steps, helped into and out of the shower, helped to and from the bathroom...you get the picture. I'm super thankful for the loyalty of such a good friend, who went out of his way to help me a much as he could. But I really, really hate being "weak". I don't like asking for help with anything, but when your leg is aching and useless and you've held your bladder way longer than you should have already, you find a way to swallow your pride and ask someone to help you up. In my opinion, having to depend on someone else on such a level is one of the most deeply humbling experiences ever.
2. Walking with crutches is NOT as easy as other people make it look. I might as well be a clown on stilts for the first time. Seriously, I've already fallen once since breaking my leg, and almost fallen a number of other times, all while trying to walk with crutches. Needless to say, I'm getting a little paranoid about trying to get around with these instruments of torture. Yes, I said torture. My neck is sore, my shoulders are sore, my armpits are sore, my hands are sore from putting my weight on them. My biceps are in knots. Maybe an up-side to this whole thing will be my gaining some definition in my upper arms, but I'm not sure that's going to be worth all the stumbling around I am doing in the meantime. I'm sure if there were video of me hopping around on crutches, it would become a YouTube sensation in minutes, just because of how insanely comical I must look using them. I am not a pro. It's obvious to anyone looking that I have never used crutches a day in my life.
3. It literally never stops hurting. Granted, I am only on day 3 and they've not been able to do anything to fix the break yet, but no one ever told me how bad broken bones hurt, or that the pain is relentless. The ER sent me home with a prescription for pain meds, which I promptly filled and began to take as directed, but they did little to nothing to alleviate the pain. So I called them back yesterday and they called me in a prescription for the SAME medication, only a 1.5 mg higher dose. It still basically does nothing, other than knock me out. I suppose it could be worse. I could be awake for all this...
4. And all that leads me to my next lesson: The fact that so many people abuse prescription pain medication is making it nearly impossible for people with REAL pain to get pain medication that actually works. I learned that Lortab is a thing of the past, and has been replaced with something called Norco. Norco is what I was prescribed. Twice. And it makes me sleep, but that's it. I could call back again and ask for something different, but now I'm worried that if I keep hollering about more pain meds, they're going to flag me for being a drug seeker and then I'll have to just suffer for the rest of my life because no doctor anywhere will ever prescribe pain meds for someone who has been labeled a drug-seeker. So, I'm dealing with it the best I can--sleep and distraction.
5. Boredom from not having the motivation to get off your ass is not nearly as bad as boredom from not being allowed or able to do what you want. I admit, there have been plenty of days when I was just unmotivated to do much and I usually end up boring the hell out of myself on such days. But when you actually WANT to get up and do stuff but can't, it is mind numbingly frustrating and insanely boring. There's only so much Facebook, Google and Netflix a person can take over a few days' time. I need fresh air. I need sunshine. I need to see strangers in their cars at stoplights, I need to talk to people I don't know. I need human contact. Which leads me to my next point:
6. Nobody likes hanging out with a gimp. When I say gimp, I refer only to myself and my current predicament. My kid stays in the other room--afraid he will accidentally bump into my leg and hurt me. One of my daughters has figured out I can't go up the stairs and get her when she hides out in her room and refuses to answer her phone. My son also has figured out that I can't chase him down when he storms out of a room and slams the door behind him. Everyone seems to understand my recent limitations, and everyone seems to have already figured out how they're going to exploit my limitations to their benefit...well, at least these two kids have. So here I am, hanging out in my boring room all alone with a computer and Netflix and a bottle of Norco. Party time. Yay.
7. The dog still doesn't get it. She loves me. I know that if she were to understand how her reckless behavior has injured me, she would surely be repentant. Right? She would, wouldn't she? Well, either way, neither she nor her accomplice have a clue as to how their rambunctiousness has led to my crooked broken leg. She still expects to be fed and walked at the same time every day. She still wants ME to be the one to feed her and walk her. If she's in her crate when I go gimping by, she whines for me to come get her. Only I can't hang onto her leash and stay on my crutches at the same time and I'm not brave enough to dare it yet. I have already envisioned myself with some more broken limbs as a result of trying to make it down the back steps with her on a leash an me on crutches. It's a bad scene. I want to avoid it if at all possible.
8. There's no rest for the accident prone. And I am the accident prone. I fall. I get bruises. I cut myself with kitchen knives and just a few days ago, I dropped a 2 liter Coke on my foot. There's a bruise to prove it. I'm thinking I should just start having someone follow me around with a camera in anticipation of my next mishap. Who knows, I might become the next viral sensation on YouTube. I might land some advertising gigs to post along with my slips, trips and falls. I might get rich off this! Nah, probably not and even if I could, would it be worth the embarrassment??
9. The impact of two muscular dogs running into a human at full speed, and the resulting fall from said run-in, will leave your body feeling like you were in a car accident. Seriously, if you've ever been in a car wreck that was even slightly more than a fender-bender, you know what I'm talking about. Your whole body tenses upon impact, then the sheer force of the impact itself rattles your insides. You might feel fine the day it happens, but after you sleep for a night and get up the next day, you're so sore you can barely move. I feel like every muscle in my body has been worked out overtime this week. It's starting to get a little better now though, and I'm hoping that the walking on crutches things improves as the rest of my body recovers from the soreness.
10. I hope no one asks me for a match. Seeing as I haven't yet figured out how to carry a glass of water from the kitchen to my room while hanging onto crutches, I figure I'm probably much safer not reaching into my pocket to hand anything to anyone for a while at least. Maybe that's the worst part of all this...Instead of being able to help other people out, I'm having to let them help me. It's not my nature to ask for help and I still am not all that comfortable receiving it. I know that probably makes me seem like an arrogant asshole. It's not that I think I'm above needing help...It's just that I think I'm above needing help...Ugh, Okay, so there's the one thing I need to learn from all this...I got it, I got it. Now, will someone please bring me a roll of toilet paper? I've been stuck in this bathroom waiting for someone to come along for at least 30 minutes now...
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