Taking Off the Mask

I wrote a really long blog post this morning instead of going back to sleep like I really should have done.  It was a great post, filled with sarcasm and wit.  It gave me great satisfaction to write it.  Then when I read over it again I noticed it was really very passive/aggressive and decided not to post it. It's kind of funny (not haha funny either) that I often don't perceive my own anger until I start writing about something that has lingered on my mind. Sometimes we ignore that connection our brains are designed to make between thoughts and emotions, especially when the emotions are uncomfortable.

 I relive interactions and evaluate the commentary that I've heard from others.  I turn experiences and discussions over in my mind sometimes for weeks or months, just trying to create any logical reason for them so I can evade the reverberation of negative emotions.  However, when I am finally ready to sort it all out in black and white, I find myself acknowledging the truth that no matter how hard I strive to  intellectualize, I inevitably end up with some kind emotional debris left over from every conversation, every situation from which I walk away without resolution.

Too often, those emotional fragments I carry around are filled with anger that I am afraid to express.  If I allow it to escape my head and find its way out of my lips, I may forever regret stating what I feel. The problem is it escapes me anyway at the least expected moments when I make some off-handed comment or joke that jabs at a tender spot in the person I'm annoyed with. Or when I post something on my blog that to me seems perfectly witty and entertaining, but ends up being a diatribe against the person who I believe has mistreated me in some way.  Intellectually, I know blog posts and conversations filled with sharp verbal gouges are the wrong way to handle my dismay, but I am often too cowardly to come right out and say what I mean without masking my feelings behind witticisms and boorish comments that are designed to get a rise out of the other person.  My logic is often, "you hurt me with your words, so I'll hurt you with mine."  The problem with my reasoning is that it solves absolutely nothing.  It only serves to create more tension, more confusion and more conflict.

This passive aggressive way of relating is so much harder to overcome when you are struggling to communicate with another person who is also passive aggressive.  You recognize their behavior because you share it.  You know that the "joke" he just made at your expense wasn't just a harmless wisecrack.  It was meant to sting.  But you don't always know why.  You don't always know what you've done to make the other person angry with you, and you aren't likely to find out because he or she is too afraid to come right out and tell you. You end up going in circles, insulting one another, doling out "payback" in the form of rude comments and making sure you never (or rarely) give the other person what you know they want from you.  It becomes an ugly nightmare that usually ends as an ugly nightmare only to repeat itself in the next friendship, relationship or family dynamic.  I'm not saying passive aggressive people are bad people.  We are just insecure, often damaged, fearful people who have never had the advantage of observing how an emotionally empowered, healthy person deals with conflict.  We are feeling around in the dark, trying to figure out how to get what we want from life without unsettling anyone or feeling rejected by them.

What is it about anger that is so darned scary anyway?  Everyone gets angry.  We all have the right, the need to get angry sometimes.  It motivates us to find solutions. It gets us out of some dangerous and unhealthy situations.  Anger opens our eyes, it makes us see things that we often try very hard not to see.  Anger can transform us if we learn to use it in constructive ways, but most of us never learn how to use our anger for our own good because it frightens us.

Anger feels bad.  We react to anger physiologically, whether we mentally acknowledge our ire or not.  Blood pressure rises ("My blood was boiling!") Heart rates increase, sometimes our stomachs get tied in knots and we can't eat.  We get physically anxious, can't sit still, can't sleep.  We sweat, our muscles tense up, our faces contort.  Anger feels bad all over, from the depths of our souls to the soles of our feet.  It is unpleasant and we never want to feel it, but it often cannot be avoided.

Anger comes from that place inside of us where we want things to be fair and just.  It comes from the innate need that all healthy human beings possess to achieve balance and harmony in life.  When we see someone we love being mistreated, our sense of justice becomes knocked off-kilter.  When someone we care about makes a hurtful comment to us that we feel we didn't deserve, we feel our integrity is being stripped away.  When someone challenges our intelligence, our competence, even our appearance, we get addled. When someone dismisses our feelings or beliefs, we feel our very essence has been quashed. It is the sense of "right" within us that turns our feelings of resentment, hurt, invalidation, and injustice into indignation.  Something, we know, is "off" and we need to take action to set the record straight.

But our thoughts get the better of us, when we start to allow ourselves to indulge in the  "what ifs". What if we confront the person who said or did this horrible thing to us or someone we love, and they end up making US look foolish?  What if we tell them how we felt when they disregarded our thoughts or feelings, and they again, invalidate us?  What if they get more angry at us for confronting them than our anger at them is for treating us unfairly?  What if we ruin our friendship, family or relationship by rocking the boat instead of just going with the flow and letting them get away with their hurtful, unfair behaviors?  Is it really worth it to take the chance?

Passive aggressive people are often sabotaged by their own thoughts.  Those thoughts, in turn, end up causing them to undermine their relationships with others.  We get locked into a battle of wills with one another, no one ever finding enough fortitude to calmly and lovingly talk about our anger or the pain behind it, for fear of rejection.  But a snide comment here and an unkind jab there;  a little joke once in a while about the things that annoy you about one another, a blog post or a text, or even a note left on the office refrigerator often do more damage to a friendship than one honest, emotional, tough conversation could ever do.

So, I'm glad I wasted some time this morning writing a blog post that I will never publish.  It gave me a chance to really examine myself and my motives.  It gave me some perspective that I know I've been missing for pretty much all my life.  I'm not saying I've found the courage to face my fears and just go ahead and blurt everything out to the people in my life who piss me off, but I at least acknowledge that some of those same people are important to me, and that they are important enough that I need to try harder to be more honest and open in my communications with them.   I can't keep letting myself hang on to anger and hurt until it destroys me and ruins my relationships.  I have to somehow face this fear I have of expressing myself honestly and lovingly so I can know the peace of living an unrestrained life.