Life's Transactions

I used to be horrible at keeping a checkbook balanced.  Every month, without fail, I would check my transactions against my bank statement and find some ATM withdrawal or check-card purchase I had overlooked.  It was discouraging.  It was disappointing.  I got so tired of thinking I had more money in the bank than I actually had, and so frustrated with myself for not being able to keep up with my purchases or withdrawals.

I eventually started keeping every receipt, tucking them into my purse for safe-keeping until balancing time.  I wrote down every withdrawal and every purchase in my little bank book.  I was determined that I would get control over this.  I would win. But then when I got my statement there would be unexpected bank fees or an automatic bill debit that I forgot about. It seemed like an un-winnable game.

A few years ago I switched banks.  The bank I use now sends me a daily email of all the activity on my account from the day before.  I can actually keep up with my deposits, withdrawals, purchases and automatic billing debits by just checking my email every day. I even had my debit card programmed so that it doesn't work at all if there isn't enough money in the bank to cover a purchase. Now I always know my balance.  I haven't had an overdraft in 4 years or more.

If only there were a tool that made the rest of life so easy, huh?  The struggle with banking behind me, I now find myself facing a different kind of balancing act that seems impossible to ever get right.  It's about my relationships with others and the overwhelming sense of guilt I have when I feel I have overdrawn on my emotional accounts with them. I just feel like some people give me too much and I don't deposit enough.

On the other hand, there are some relationships where I feel as if I'm making all the deposits.  It seems I am draining my own reserves to give to others while getting nothing back on my investments.  Those are the times when I'm putting nothing into my own account, nothing, that is, besides self-loathing.  I start to feel like I'm working too hard at a job that is never going to pay me what I'm worth.  I start to get frustrated with myself and with the people who seem to take and take without ever putting anything back into our relationship "account."  I get resentful and demanding.

The guilt of not giving enough coupled with the resentfulness of feeling taken advantage of lands me in a state of profound imbalance.  I have struggled so much in an effort to moderate my behavior to fit the transactional value of the relationships in my life.  I start to believe that everything must be tit-for-tat.  Everything has to balance out.  Everything has to be fair.  I have to give more than I take or I will feel inadequate. Then again, if I give more than I feel is fair, I feel put upon.

It all boils down to my need for personal empowerment.   I need to feel in control of my life.  I need to decide for myself what and whom to invest in.  I need to have control over how much I give.  Sometimes, I start to feel as if I need to control what other people contribute in order for me to feel empowered or fulfilled.

But the truth is, life isn't always balanced.  There are times when we all need to give more than we get. There are times when we need to receive more than we think we deserve.  I have always been amazed by the concept of grace, but I've never before realized that it was something I could give and receive in my human relationships.  God's grace is unmatched, I realize that.  But in the little everyday bits of life, we are able to demonstrate his love when we accept from others what we feel we haven't earned.  We are privileged with the joy of offering more than we feel we owe.   I can't control anyone else's decisions.  I can't force them to give me what I think I've earned, whether its love, respect or affection.  What I can do is change my own attitude, from one of guilt and anger at myself to one of gratefulness and kindness towards the people who matter the most to me.

I can't adequately keep a record of all the deposits and withdrawals in my life.  It would be impossible, and in the end, wouldn't really matter anyway.  It's okay, in this instance, to be overdrawn once in a while.  It's a matter of privilege when I am able to give to someone else whose account may be more depleted than my own.   The mistake we all make is trying to keep score.  Keeping score makes us feel powerless.  It depletes us of the positive regard for ourselves that we need to maintain in order to keep our emotional balance in check.

So I want to take a second to thank the people in my life who give and give to me without ever asking for or expecting to get anything back.  You are truly amazing and I am so grateful for the grace you extend to me.

I also want to thank the people who take from me.  You give me a sense of purpose and make me feel like I have worth.  Just knowing that you want and need what I have to offer makes my life fuller and richer.  You give me a reason to get out of bed every day.  You give me a reason to care. You make my life worth living.

Maybe someday a life hacker will come along and figure out how to make all the give and take of interpersonal relationships balance out so we all feel better about ourselves and the people we love, but I doubt it.  Some things in life are never meant to balance out perfectly.  The imbalance keeps us on our toes.  It makes us never give up.  Maybe it is the very reason we are here.