Random Thoughts From Earlier Today

1.It really stings to have someone say mean stuff to you or about you.  It stings so bad that your first inclination is to just discount it all as rubbish spewed from the lips of angry men or bitter children.  But now, lying here alone with a banged up knee and a tube in my belly, it seems as though those comments might have stung because there was some truth in them that I didn't like hearing.

2. I hear people talk about Karma and how everything you do comes back to you in some way, and I examine every inch of my being trying to weed out whatever evil there is in me that makes God or the Universe or whatever need to keep punishing me but I honestly, truly cannot see what it is about me that is so horrible.  Maybe that is my sickness--that I can't see my sickness for myself.

3.I've always been told that when bad things happen to you, it's because you ARE bad.  I used to not believe that, but now I'm beginning to wonder...

4. Every time something else crappy happens, I tell myself it's just to prepare me for the really good thing that's about to happen, but I wonder how long a person can really keep that up without eventually going bat shit crazy?

5.   Sometimes it seems like everything in my life just adds another brick to the gas pedal, speeding me faster and faster toward that padded room and straight jacket that's waiting for me just over the edge of sanity's cliff.

6..  I'm beginning to think there is a line between realistically being optimistic and being completely delusional to the point of never having a negative thought or feeling.

7. Negative thoughts pop into my head daily but I smash them down and replace them with something I'm grateful for.  Some days though, so many things happen at once, so many thoughts and feelings flood me in unison that I'd have to be a whack-a-mole champion to keep them all underground. 

8. On days like today, all it takes is for one tear to seep through an unsecured portal and I am at the mercy of my negativity. 

9.  Eventually I'll be back again, wearing my smile (whether I mean it or not) and forcing myself to be thankful and think positive thoughts.  I just hope I always have the ability to use my own reasoning as a sort of emotional trampoline.  It bounces me around, but eventually, I regain control and can stand up again, even with everyone and everything else trying to knock me down by throwing themselves against it.

10.  Did someone say nap?  No?  Well, I'm saying it.  Sometimes a good sleep can change your perspective better than anything else.  Wish me sweet dreams, y'all.