To Crappy Metaphors

So, in case no one noticed, I've been really bummed out lately.  I don't expect anyone to understand.  Heck, I don't really think I can even ask for empathy.  I am well aware that I am getting on your nerves with my negativity and my shitty attitude.  I want you to know that I appreciate you being kind enough to not just tell me to shut the hell up and get over it.  Even if you did tell me that, I wouldn't be able to do it.

Depression is just something that people struggle with, and I don't use the word struggle because I mean it's optional or it's something that we just like to do for attention.  It is really, truly a struggle.

Back when I was a kid I went to a company picnic with my sister and her husband.  It was one of those country day things, where they hid change in a sandbox full of sawdust and let the little kids dig around for it, and for some reason, a fascination  with competitions that involved overcoming slippery obstacles.  There was a greased pole with a one hundred dollar bill on top that
you could try to climb. If you reached the bill, it was yours.  There was also a greased pig, which is something I don't think they'd allow anymore, but it was kind of entertaining to watch as the little squeaker was let go in a pin and half-a dozen guys chased after him, tackling him only to have him wiggle free and run off squealing in another direction.  I guess you could take your pick of metaphors here: Kids digging around for buried treasure, only to keep finding nickels and pennies, people trying with all their might to climb up a Crisco covered flag pole without slipping backwards just so they could reach a hundred dollar bill, or a poor little pig who had no idea why he was covered in grease, or why so many big smelly guys wanted to tackle and capture him.  The point is, they were all struggling against something.

Depression is kind of like a greased flag pole with some kind of goal at the top that you just can't seem to reach no matter how hard you try.  It takes effort to climb, and you keep sliding back down to the bottom, no matter how much effort you put into it.  It's not at all that you want it to be difficult.  You see other people climb right up and reach their goals and it looks so effortless to  you. But when it's you, it's a whole different story.

It's just that I am really feeling like a greased pig lately.  I feel like I am stuck in this little tiny world being tackled by something bigger and stronger than me no matter which direction I try to go.  I feel like there's no way I can escape.  I have no idea why trouble chases after me, I just know I need to keep wriggling out of it's grasp as best I can.  

But even greased pigs that are scared and pumped full of adrenaline end up getting tired after a while.  I still remember watching as one dude after another tackled that little pig at the picnic.  At first, he was wildly running from corner to corner, making them chase him in circles, squealing in protest and slipping past even the biggest, strongest looking hands.  But after a while he slowed down.  One small wiry guy stood him down.  With his arms outstretched as if to tell the pig there was no way past, the guy stayed ahead of the pig at every move, eventually moving in, putting the little guy in a headlock and declaring victory.  There were just too many men and only one slippery little pig and he got tired of fighting.

I know it's a pretty crappy metaphor--a greased pig, but it's the best way I can think of to describe how this flood of events in my life are bringing me down.  They're wearing me out, physically, mentally and emotionally.  It sucks to be depressed, but when you're depressed and you feel like you're being pursued by trouble, you lose a lot of your will to keep fighting it.

I guess that's all I can say, and if you still don't understand...well...I don't know.  Don't ask me to explain it any better, because this is honestly the best I can do.

Greased pig.  Me.  That's about the sum of it.