I Reserve The Right

I reserve the right to be a shithead sometimes.  If I put up with you when you are being a shithead, you can do the same for me.  I don't like you when you're a shithead either.

I reserve the right to be pessimistic at least one day a week.  I don't know anyone else who has ESRD, a broken leg, a mortgage in foreclosure, a snotty kid squatting in the upstairs bedroom, a judgmental ex-husband, no job, no prospects for a job and a seven year old to raise that they can't even take swimming in the summertime because they were stupid enough to break their leg two weeks before school was let out for summer break...and that's just the stuff I feel like telling you about.  Cut me some freaking slack once in a while.  I'm not Miss Fucking Sunshine.  Expect too much from me and you WILL be disappointed.  I am only human.

I reserve the right to say Fuck, fucking, shit, shithead and any of the other words you might find offensive.  There's a thing in this country called free speech and if you don't like what I say, you can suck it.  '

I reserve the right to tell people to suck it.

I reserve the right to call em like I see em, even if what I have to say makes you uncomfortable or angry.  I, like every other human being can only interpret your motives, meaning or intent based on your actions. When your words and behavior don't match, that tells me you have some problems that need to be worked on. All I can do is love you and support you.  Your problems are not something I can fix, even though sometimes I wish I could.

I reserve the right to be offended. When you treat me like I am less than human, less than you, less than a woman, less than others, I will feel offended and I will feel hurt.  I am HUMAN and I lack Sociopathic traits, so I feel things.

I reserve the right to feel things.  Maybe it makes me weak in your eyes and maybe it makes me girly, but I have every right in the world to love, to hate, to feel sad, to feel happy, to feel hurt and to feel angry. I'm not afraid of my emotions. If my feelings make you uncomfortable, I'm not the one with the emotional issue because:

I reserve the right to express myself.  If you do or say something hurtful to me, I will let you know.  I might be angry with you, but anger often comes from hurt so when I express my hurt feelings, you might hear nothing but anger.  Trust me, those words come from a broken heart, not from hatefulness.  If I didn't care, I wouldn't feel hurt, and I wouldn't get angry.  I have every right to let you know how I feel and I don't have to feel bad about expressing myself.  I can express myself verbally or in writing and the way I feel does not change from one medium to the next. My feelings are valid, no matter what medium I use to express them.

I reserve the right to be angry.  Things that are unfair make people angry.  There's enough unfairness in my world right now to anger a few people, yet I am expected to shoulder it gracefully and with a positive attitude at all times.  Well, y'all, I'm pissed and I don't mind telling you.  I have an ungrateful spoiled child treating me like I am the Princess of Evil when I have supported her lazy ass for MONTHS.  I have a disease that compromises my life, that takes away from my quality of living.  It is not curable, and I get sick of talking about it, and I get sick of people trying to make me feel good about it.  At  my dialysis clinic there's a stupid bulletin board with little blobs of what I suppose are supposed to be Phosphate, and a headline that says, "Lets Play Phosphate Catch" or something asinine like that.  There are happy little faces every where and little catcher's mitts.  Fuck them.  This disease is nothing like playing a fun game.  It sucks, and their bulletin boards can suck it.  So can they, for that matter.  Let's see them be happy about not eating any of the food they like or having to chase down their meals with two horse pills three times a day.  I'd love to know how they'd react if they had to wake up every day and realize they are tethered to a stinking machine by a hole in their bellies.  They certainly wouldn't be crafting cutesy bulletin boards.  Yeah, I'm angry.  So don't keep doing crap that pisses me off and then expect me to just take it like a good little girl.  You can suck it too, you know?

I reserve the right to sleep all day and avoid people.  Sometimes being around people is just too much.  I believe I could become a hermit if I didn't have a kid that needed to be socialized.  People let you down, they expect you to be perfect, they expect you to never have a problem or a difficulty.  The ones who love you are selfish with you.  They don't want you to divide your attention between them and anyone else. People are self-centered and thoughtless.  They say stupid things to people like me and expect that I won't feel angry or hurt by it.  They mistake my kindness for weakness and try to take advantage of me.  Sometimes I let them, because its easier than putting up a fight.

I reserve the right to NOT be strong.  I never bragged about being strong.  I never asked to be strong and I never tried to be strong.  You just deal with the cards life gives you, even when they suck and you know that in the end you're going to get your ass whipped.  I only appear strong because I have no choice but to make the best of every day, knowing that my days are extremely limited.  Now before you say that no one is promised tomorrow, let me respond by saying, at least you don't have that horrific car accident hanging over your head like an anvil teetering on the edge of a cliff every day of your life.  I've been living with the anvil rocking on that cliff over my head since I was in my 20's.  In case you don 't know my age, that's a long fucking time.  Practically my whole adult life.  So just imagine living life with a ticking time-bomb taped to your back.  You can hear it ticking all the damn time, but you don't know how much time is left on it.  Don't call me strong and don't expect me to act like I am Hercules all the time.  I'm human and we all have weaknesses.  Mine just happens to be death waiting with a clenched fist, ready to knock on my door.

I reserve the right to love.  It is the most painful thing I've ever done.  Worse than a broken leg, even, but I still do it.  I never want to stop being able to love and I will always give it my best shot.  I'm not talking about the kind of love that gives you butterflies and makes you all goofy inside.  That's a lot of fun, but it is temporary.  Eventually that "in love" thing gets old.  It tires you out, and you start to see that the object of your affection isn't as perfect as you thought in the beginning.  But love is something you give despite the obstacles.  It doesn't matter so much that the other person has demons to fight, or problems to surmount.  It doesn't mean you can fix all their problems or take on all their struggles, but that you can be a source of strength for them.  It means you are one thing in life they can count on when they can't count on anything else.  It means being the one thing someone else can count on when they have nothing else.  I reserve the right to love that way, even if I don't get loved back.

I reserve the right to be treated as a whole person.  I'm not here to do a service for anyone.  I'm not anyone's housekeeper or maid or personal secretary.  If I do something for you, it's because I want to and I love you.  If you don't appreciate it, you are a dick.  If you expect it without asking for it, or appreciating it, I'll get tired of doing it for you.  I'm not here for anyone's use or disposal.  Again, I remind you that I am a HUMAN BEING.  I am not an object without a soul or without emotion.  I was not born to serve you.  I don't know why I was born, but I do know that much.

I reserve the right to be treated with positive regard and respect.  I know that should explain itself, but some people have no idea what those words mean.  Positive regard means you treat me like I am a person of worth in every way.  It means you are honest with me and that we have open communication that is respectful.  It means you don't say or do whatever you think you need to in order to get what you  want from me.  It means you don't poke and prod me to find out what I want so you can withhold it from me on purpose.  It means you don't purposefully say things to try to make me react a certain way.  It basically means don't be a shithead to me while pretending you're my best friend.

I reserve the right to want to give up.  One of these days, I'm just going to stop connecting to this machine every night.  One more straw is going to hit the pile already gathering in my life and it will be the last one.  There's only so much one person can survive, and so far I think I've fought a good fight.  But I am getting tired.  Not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally.  I have been hurt so, so many times that I really think I can't bear another hurt.  I have prayed so much for wisdom and understanding and for direction, only to receive no word from above.  Just this disease and rejection after rejection, from lovers, from family, from my own children.  I think sometimes, I must be a pretty awful person to deserve all this, and maybe I am.


I reserve the right to have personal boundaries and to let you know when you've crossed them.  That's right, you end where I begin.  I have every right and responsibility to engage myself in life in a way that is fulfilling and uplifting to me, but I have no right to step on you while doing it.  Likewise, you have no business crossing boundaries that I have set, either by manipulation, deceitfulness or just being plain ignorant to your own motives.  Don't insult me by thinking I am a border-less person that you can roam about as you please coming and going at will.  Don't convince yourself that you aren't hurting anyone when you step over a line.  Trust me, if the other person is living and breathing, you can hurt them, and if you don't respect them, you probably are hurting them.

I reserve the right to write about whatever I want to in my blog.  If you think EVERYTHING I write is about you, maybe you need a reality check.

I reserve the right to be myself.  I know I'm testy, I'm challenging, I'm fraught with difficulty and struggle.  I know I am often bitter and of a poor disposition.  I know I have fuzzy hair and a not-so-hot body.  I know I'm clumsy and sometimes I seem foggy as hell.  But I'm smart.  I have a great smile.  I love with all my heart.  I give with all my being.  I believe in my friends, even when I don't believe in myself.  I'm more afraid of living than of dying.  I get depressed and discouraged pretty easily.  I get angry when I'm hurt.  I am unfair when my heart feels broken.  I piss off the people I love with my attitude.  I'm irresponsible and I'm kind of lazy.  But I want to see everyone else happy.  I want to make some kind of difference in the world, if only by letting people know that they aren't the only ones who struggle.  I want to be a best friend.  I want to be a confidant, a companion, a source of strength and peace for others, even with my own unease still alive and thriving.  I am not a good person.  I am not a bad person.  I just am, and for whatever reason, God hasn't seen fit to let me kick the bucket yet.


I reserve the right to escape into my own little world, where reality and me live quite at peace with one another. It's when I start to speak of reality outside that world that everyone gets into a tizzy.   Most of the population of the world avoids talking about death and dying.  When you are on dialysis, the doctors are trained to not tell you the prognosis of dialysis patients based on statistics.  I'ts 5 years or less, by the way.  But being that I devour information and must always know more than what they decide to tell me I do research.  That research tells me that I have a 5 (now 4 because I've been on PD for a year now) years left, barring a transplant that goes well.  "Goes well" being the key words there.  Most transplants come with their own struggle and a huge risk of death from surgery, rejection of the organ, and allergy to the anti-rejection drugs you have to take for the rest of your life.  The transplanted kidney doesn't solve all your woes. The disease I have will attack the new kidney too, and it will stop working eventually.  That means back to dialysis, only not PD but Hemo, which is a million times worse than what I'm doing now..  After you get a transplant, you have to take drugs that leave you looking like an escaped madman/woman from the Munchkin County Jail, just past Munchkin City in the land of Oz.  Even if I weren't the vain type, I think I would have trouble living life as a bloated up imp from another land.  I have a hard enough time finding love and acceptance now, won't that just be the challenge of a lifetime??  So, where was I?  Oh yes, back to dialysis to wait for yet another kidney, only now you are farther  down the list because you already got one and now it's someone else's chance to try.  So you have to wait until another half-dead kidney from a poor dead bloke flies in, packaged in styrofoam and ice,, and hope that no one thinks its lunch or another dead cat being sent for rabies tests.

I digress.  I have a right to be blatantly realistic to the point of being fatalistic if that's what I want to do.  I'm sorry if that bothers anyone else or makes them feel sad or bad or makes them think I am pathetic or whatever it makes them think  This is my life and my reality and it sucks pretty much more than anything I can think of.  My chance for redemption is fleeting, and now that I find myself ready to be redeemed, no one wants to hear it.  My voice gets bounced around in empty rooms, answering its own echoes off the walls and wafting back to me for an answer.

Of course I have no answers.  But in that world, it doesn't matter.  My redemption doesn't matter.  Nothing matters except what is.  We don't argue with what is.  We don't try to change what is.  We don't feel angry or cheated or hateful about it.  We just say, hey, this is how it is.  We are pretty cool with it and with the fact that most of us are pretty tired of it and would like it to end.  It's the rest of the world that goes mad when we speak of reality in our situations.  If this kind of crap could happen to us, it could happen to them.  Its much easier for them to turn their heads and wish us well, than it is for them to take a walk inside the sharp, dank, dark walls of reality with us for even a moment.  I could choose to live a lie.  But in the end, it would all turn out the same, so why deceive myself?

I reserve the right to choose.  I can very easily take control over my situation.  I could just be too tired to hook up to the machine a few nights per week.  Then a few more times the week after that, and a couple more the week after that.  Pretty soon, I'll be free from dialysis.  I'll start to get tired and weaker.  I'll feel kind of bad for a few days, but sooner or later, the rest of my organs will get the message and the will start to follow suit by shutting down too.  First my liver, pancreas, endocrine system, my lungs and heart will slow down considerably.  My mind will go, then my brain will fail, causing the rest of my bodily systems to cease all activity.  It is that easy.  Like pulling the plug, if you will.  And I deserve the right to die with dignity and at my own time of choice, rather than waiting around like a suffering sheep being lead to slaughter and then made to wait and wait for his fate to befall him.   I have the right to take control of this.  I know you will judge me.  I know I will be labeled ungrateful, unbalanced, depressed, hopeless, kind of crazy, selfish--all the other things they say about people who take a hand in ending their own suffering.  But I will not be here to listen to their comments or feel their judgmental stares.  I will be at peace with myself and the Earth pressed down on me.  I'll be far from your ridicule, your rejection, your shame.


I have the right to have bad days and good days without having to explain either or defend myself against accusations that I'm not sick enough, or that I'm too sick to be doing something.  I do what my body tells me I can handle.  If I overdo it sometimes, I'm the one who pays for it.  It is none of your business and I'm never going to ask you opinion, so you don't need to bother having one ready.


In short, I deserve the right to say what I need to say, express my feelings, wallow in regret and misery, feel bad for fucking up my life so much, get lost in a fantasy world where none of this exists, and tell whomever doesn't like it to go suck it.  Don't think I'm being an asshole here.  You have all the same rights I have...maybe more, since you are probably a decent person who has lived his/her life honorably.  Me, I'm just some trash that got swept up with the good stuff and had a chance to fool people for a while.  Life is swift though, and you'll get returned back to the junk heap sooner or later, it never fails.  Just be proud of who you are no matter what, and stick up for yourself.  There are a lot of well meaning people out there who would love nothing more than to trick you back into that "hope" thing.  I say, let them hope for me and let me live in the real world.  That way when the Reaper does show up, I won't be taken by surprise because I let my head get away from me with all that "hope" thinking.  I'll be grounded, and I'll be ready when he gets here.  And there is certainly something good to be said for that.



So maybe nobody really liked reading this.  Maybe you want to slap me out of my negativity.  But I promise you that if another person with a disease and situation similar to mine read it, they would find some comfort in my words because they'd know it's not just them.  There is no shame it getting tired.  No shame in wanting to quit. There is no shame in feeling hopeless. There is no shame in feeling doomed, in feeling there's nothing left to look forward to.  There is no shame in accepting your disease and all its nuances that affect your day to day life.  There is no shame in not having a fear of death.  There is no shame in wanting more control over your life.  No shame in anger, even anger at God.  Feel what you feel and don't apologize for it.  If people shame you or tell you they're uncomfortable with the way you feel, tell them you're sorry for their discomfort, but experience your feelings anyway.  It is your right, because this is the life you were given to experience and you are denying yourself your whole experience in this world if you cater your thoughts and feelings to the comfort needs of those around you who don't like seeing you suffer or thinking that you are going to die.  Someday we all die.  We need to teach people that it is nothing to fear.  Then maybe they can live better lives before they are sick or invalid or waiting around to die like we are.  We owe it to them, we owe it to us.

It is our right.