Happy Birthday, Dummy

I am writing to you.  You know who you are, or you will by the time you finish reading this.
Remember a few years ago, when we went out for Mexican food and then drove around aimlessly, trying to think of something fun to do?  That was the night that I found a paper at the restaurant announcing Neil Young's concert in Spartanburg.  I bought us both tickets to go, only I ended up going without you.

I never told you that I gave your ticket to my guitar teacher.  It wasn't that I really knew him all that well, but I remembered him telling me once that he loved Neil, and I figured I might as well share something I treasured so much with someone who would appreciate it.  So, on the night of the concert I sat in the very last row at the top of the auditorium smelling weed from the people smoking behind us, with my youngest daughter and my guitar teacher on either side of me.  I thought about you, but I realized you were never meant to be there with me in the first place.

It seems like life plays tricks on you sometimes, when people wander in and out of it seemingly without purpose.  It's as if we sometimes need someone to come along and shake us up, make us remember who we are and why we are.  It's as if, without those people, we might close ourselves off from everything, both good and bad and begin to just exist without really living.

And with your birthday being tomorrow, I just thought I'd let you know that even though we are miles apart, even though what once drew us to one another was ephemeral, I'm still grateful that you came along and shook me up.

Somehow you managed to get to me, past the rawness of my hurt and hopelessness of my heart.  You tore me apart some more, and then you left me to heal on my own.

And maybe that was just what I needed to make me understand that I have to value myself, because it's very likely no one else will see my worth.  It's up to me to make the most of this life, and even though I'm not feeling very hopeful about it lately, I know I can't give up.

Because I don't want to get to the place where I need to be shaken up again.

Love Always,


Rebecca