Essential?

Last week I experienced an acute attack of Tinnitus.  Tinnitus is a fancy way of saying "ringing in the ears" only mine was "ringing in ONE ear" and it was a fluctuating tone that went from a low hum to a high pitched squeal over and over, like radio stuck between stations.  It became so loud and one point that I could even hear it over music and the TV.  I was desperate for a cure and in this generation of information at your fingertips, I consulted Dr. Google.

I found out I probably suffered from a tumor inside my ear and started to panic (which made the ringing louder).  As I kept reading I also saw that high blood pressure, certain medications (three of which I take daily) neurological damage and/or damage to my inner ear (the hairs of the inner ear to be exact) could be the culprit.  Last of all of course I read that there's basically no cure for it.  Some website actually suggested that I go see a therapist and get some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy so I could learn to accept the ringing in my ear without "judging" it and then it wouldn't bother me anymore.  Are you kidding me????  How would  a person NOT be bothered by an invisible imp blowing a freaking whistle in her ear all day long every day, even while she tries to sleep at night??  You want to know what you can do with your CBT, Web MD?  You can shove it in your ear.

Still desperate for a good night's sleep and a few moments of much needed silence, I decided to go the modern-day route by which some of my friends swear: Essential oils and natural remedies.

So after work on Thursday Charlie and I drove over to Garner's in Greenville.  I perused the store feeling awkwardly out of place, looking for something called "Lipoflavinoid".  They didn't have it, but they did have something called "Ring Stop".  It was 28 bucks for a 30 day supply (or so I thought) but I was desperate so I grabbed it off the shelf.  Then as I was looking around I found a tiny glass bottle with a dropper that said, "Deep Sleep".  It was also quite pricey at 30.00 for about an ounce.  Standing there in the overwhelming smell of sandlewood and hemp, it just seemed like a good idea to buy that little vial of magic liquid and give it a try.

Now I have friends who swear that for every ailment there is an oil.  Got Athlete's foot?  Try some essential oils.  Is your nose bleeding? Essential oils.  Is your mother in law coming to visit?  Tolerate her better by dabbing yourself with some lavender or refreshing peppermint oil.  Ears ringing and not able to sleep, try this: Deep sleep drops.  I read the label.  With a list of California poppies, Fresh Valerian, Lemon Balm and Milky Sage, I imagined it would smell delightful and that a couple of drops on my tongue at bedtime would at the very least give me a brief moment of bliss.  I put the bottle on the counter with the box of "Ring Stop" and plopped down over 50 bucks for the two products.

Long story short, the "Ring Stop" was absolutely worthless.  I came home, looked it up online and found an overwhelming number of negative reviews and people warning me not to waste my money on that product.  Too late.  It's sitting in my kitchen cabinet now, mocking me as my ear still reverberates with that same whistle that fades in and out inconsistently.

Finally that evening at bedtime I decided to try my "Deep Sleep" drops.  Opening the container nearly required a dose of Xanax, but since I'm onto these natural alternatives, I took some deep breaths and meditated my way through it.  I read the directions:  "Mix 30 drops with water and drink on hour before bed, then at bedtime mix 30 more drops with water and drink." Hmmm...It seemed odd but, Okay, I decided to give it a try.

With the adult-defying plastic safety cover removed from the cap, I unscrewed the lid slowly.  Expecting a sweet, refreshing smell, I took a long, deep breath through my nose as I twisted the cap.  Boy, was that a bad idea.  My nostrils were filled with the stench of 10 day old dirty socks.  I turned and looked to see if Charlie was standing behind me with his dirty sneakers.  I was alone.  The horrendous smell was coming from my tiny bottle of "Deep Sleep".  "How the heck am I going to drink something that smells like dirty sock juice?" I wondered.

Screwing up my courage, I got out a glass, filled it half-way with water and added 30 drops of the liquid.  It was very diluted, so I figured, eh, why not?  I drank it down fast and then chased it with another glass of water.   Thirty minutes later I had to pee.  An hour later, I took the second dose, lay in bed and waited.  Nothing.

I tried again the next night and other than a bout of nausea after tasting the sock juice, again, no sleep.

Back to the internet I went.  I looked up essential oils for ear ringing and essential oils for sleep.  I found the suggestion that Ginko Biloba might help the ear ringing, but it might not.  Found that Valerian and Melatonin and something called GABA might help me sleep (but it might not).  Then I read message boards where suburban housewives swapped stories about which brands of essential oils are the purest, and how if I got one that didn't work, it must have gluten or pesticides or other chemicals in it that cancel out its effectiveness.  "You need to buy THIS brand" one woman says.  And another chimes in and says, "No, that one actually contains GMO's, so you should steer away from that, go with THIS brand instead."

Back to the health store I went.  Having learned my lesson, I asked to smell things before I bought them.  I smelled Lemon Balm, Lavender, different kinds  of sage, plant extracts of which I've never even heard all tickled my olfactory glands until I couldn't tell one scent from another after a while. I was getting ready to give up and go home, resigned to my fate of forever hearing what resembled the sound of the Star Trek transporter in my left hear when something occurred to me.

"Do you have any CBD oil?" I asked the sales lady.

"No we do not carry CBD oil.  We only carry the highest quality essential oils and natural remedies here.

"Online I read that a lot of people have success using CBD oil for tinnitus." I told her.  She looked a little dumbfounded.    "You know that CBD is legal now, right?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I know, but we don't carry it because we fear it will attract clientele that we'd rather not have to deal with."

I thought to myself, Hmm....Then I put all the stinky, non effective super expensive bottles of "essential oils" down on the counter and said, "I apologize for wasting your time, but I think I am going to go home and shop online."

I had no idea what she was trying to sell me, but I knew that something which smells like my fathers socks used to smell after a full 12 hour shift a the factory couldn't possibly be the best thing to be putting in my body to help me sleep at night.

We all know that person, don't we?  The gal who swears that tincture of asshole cures psoriasis or that the oil of a north-facing lily growing on the far hill of a sheep pasture in Sweden is the best remedy for a stove-up back, and then rakes you over the coals for taking Tylenol or better yet, actual prescription pain medication that, what?  Takes away your pain!  Are you kidding me?  "It is ruining your liver and kidneys and it's going to cause you to die from all wreckage it does to your system." They say.  I say, we all gotta die someday.  Why should I suffer while I wait?

Okay...I think it's time I just say that I'm really okay with taking a chemical laden drug that eliminates my pain and if there were a drug out there that would stop the ringing in my ear, I'd be taking it by the spoonful right now.

Now if you are one of those gals who has found that oil of essence of muskrat asshole cures what ails you, I'm happy for ya.  Hang in there and use all the stinky natural preparations of oils and creams an dietary supplements you can find!  I though, am choosing to stick to my pain medications that are tried and true and do not leave the aftertaste of foot fungus lingering in my mouth for days.

As far as my online shopping experience, I ended up quite satisfied.  I bought a one ounce bottle of CBD tincture which contains all the CBD strains as well as Terpenes and for some reason Turmeric.  It has significantly reduced the amount of ringing in my left ear and seems to actually boost the effectiveness of my "conventional" medications.  My blood pressure is the lowest it has been in years, I am sleeping like a baby, and I have gotten through an incredibly stressful week with only one minor breakdown that lasted 20 seconds.  Let's see your Lemon Balm essential oil do all that!

Right now in my kitchen cabinet a 25.00 dollar bottle of "Ring Stop" sits mocking me every time I open the cabinet door.  Ginko my ass.  It does NOT stop your ears from ringing.  If anything it made mine worse.  The bottle of "Deep Sleep" is beside my bed.  I figure the day might come when I'm desperate enough for a good night's sleep to give it a try again--but I can't imagine being THAT desperate.

I just want to know, what's so essential about essential oils?  All this time I've been imagining a world filled with unique but wonderful scents, tiny bottles of miracle elixirs that gently chase away all the bad stuff with by overtaking your olfactory experience and rewiring the brain.  Now I find out that many of these delicious sounding concoctions are nothing more than stinky, smelly snake oil that doesn't even DO anything other than make you THINK you found a miracle cure.

Now I love the smell of lavender at bedtime.  The aroma of Shea and Hemp relax me and make me wan to drift into dreamland.  Lemon Balm is yummy crushed up in a Mojito.  That doesn't mean I'm going to trust any of those things to cure Tinnitus or athlete's foot or contact dermatitis.  If you've never had tinnitus, you cannot understand the insanity it can cause--it made me crazy enough to drink 'Au De Gym Socks" three nights in a row before finally giving up and deciding to start writing a goodbye note to my family.

Thank goodness for the internet though, where riff-raff like me can go find other "natural" alternatives (perfectly legal and effective ones too) that actually DO help.

Ya'll have fun dabbin' on all those gluten and GMO free Dragon fruit and papaya oils.  Hopefully you wont have bees swarming around you all day--maybe you should get some of those bee pollen capsules too (to build immunity from the bees).  I'm gonna stick with my pain medications and my little bit of CBD tincture for now.

I'll let you know though, if I start to notice foot fungus---Maybe we can take scrapings and use some chemical process to turn my foot fungus into a new kid of essential oil.  If "Deep Sleep" did it, why cant I?