7 Signs You Might Be a Facebook Hypocrite

1.  If you've ever been on food stamps, medicaid, or received Unemployment Compensation, posting something like this makes you a hypocrite:
Old Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will feed himself for life." 
American proverb: "Give a man foodstamps, welfare checks, 100 weeks of unemployment, free cell phone, cash for clunkers, and free government housing and he will vote democrat forever."


That's right, no matter how many of your friends "like" this comment, since you have been a user of the very system you criticize, you're a hypocrite!  Not to mention, you're showing your ignorance regarding which president is responsible for which program...but that's another blog post.

2.  You  say "I Love You" to your significant other/children/friends, in your Facebook post every day, but you're actually an asshole to them at home.

3.  You spend hours scouring the web for images with wise quotes to post on your wall:


When what' you really think is:



4.  You constantly yap about how wonderful your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is, but you're really just trying to make someone else jealous of the fabulous life you *Don't* have.  Seriously folks, who has the perfect life-partner?  We all know you're blowing smoke up our asses, so why not just say what you mean?  For example:

"Fackbooker123  My husband is an okay guy.  I mean, I could do a lot worse I suppose.  At least he picked up his underwear off the floor today and kissed me goodbye before I left.  Either way, I'm happy I finally settled."

That, we would all buy.

5.  You brag on your kids a bit too much.  It makes us all think you're probably over-compensating for that 44 year old still living in your basement eating Cheetos and playing video games on your old couch from 1976.   We know you're not really the proud parent of a terrific kid...Might as well be honest with yourself and everyone else, this one was a fluke.

6.  You gush about what a great boss/job you have, when in reality, you wish the place would burn down during the night so you'd never have to go back again.  Your real friends likely know you're miserable with your job, no matter what you lead the FB crowd to believe.

7.  You're actually a pretty well-adjusted happy person, but your FB posts are ALWAYS dark, dreary and depressing.  For example, one time I was sitting in the room with a friend of mine (a guy who shall remain nameless) laughing, joking and having  a great time.  Apparently, when I got up to grab a drink, he posted the following on his FB page:

"Life is so hard sometimes.  I'd rather just go home and die than continue living this way."

He got lots of heartwarming, caring responses from people who were (probably) really concerned about him.   In reality?  We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning watching comedy central and laughing our butts off!  Depressed?  I think not.  Attention seeking?  Yes.  Hypocrite? Most definitely.

Happy Posting Y'all! :)

10 Worst "Compliments" I Ever Got From Men

With my 42nd birthday swiftly approaching (2 days away), I have been doing some heavy thinking lately.  Mostly, I've pondered how I look, feel and act at 42 as opposed to the way my mother looked, seemed to feel and acted at the same age.  I was in 3rd grade when she was 42, and I remember thinking she was so OLD compared to my friends' moms.

Here I am, at 42 with two adult  children and a 5 year old.  I wonder how he will see me in comparison to his friends' moms when he is in 3rd grade?  Ugh, not a pretty thought...

Anyway, with all this thinking I've been doing, I've apparently become a bit insecure about my appearance, because yesterday my guy sort of tried to kind of give me a compliment and it made me almost cry.  True story...But here's the thing, is it really a compliment when your man tells you that your boobs, "aren't THAT saggy"???

So, in honor of my 42nd, I decided to list the 10 worst "compliments" I've ever gotten from men, in no particular order:

1.  "Other people might not think you're pretty, but I do." --Billy Farmer
2.  "You look good in the dark."--Billy Farmer (to be fair, this guy actually wrote me a poem to explain what he meant when he said that...but really?  In the dark?)
3.  "You look good...for your age." --Joey Mangum
4.  "Sometimes I look at you and think, 'Rebecca looks great....for having 3 kids.' "--Joey Mangum
5.  "You're stunning, but my ex wife was beautiful." --The Private Man
6.  "You're almost skinny enough to wear that bikini."....As I was WEARING it after losing 25 lbs of baby weight after the second child. --Billy Farmer
7,  "That's a pretty dress...if you like that kind of thing." --Nate Schultz
8.  "I like my women to have a little belly on them." (as he patted mine)--Tony Viola
9.  "You've always had a big butt, even when you were too skinny."--Billy Farmer (after the divorce)
10.  "Your boobs are not THAT saggy...I mean, they aren't that bad...Every woman's boobs get saggy, it's just gravity....after three kids....blah blah blah blah...." --You know who you are 


I guess it could be worse.  I've only really had one man in my life who just outright insulted me.  At least these guys maybe tried, a little, to deliver the message gently.  I guess what really matters most is how I feel about myself anyway, right?  So, I am going to get myself some new duds today and pretty myself up for my birthday dinner with my girlfriends this evening.  At least we are eating outside after dark, so I know I'll look good...For my age...

And for you guys...Sometimes when you start to give a compliment to your girl...well, maybe you just shouldn't.

Happy Birthday to ME! :)

Robbery, Break Downs and Mayhem...

Some scum bag robbed my house this week.  I arrived home on Monday to find my television had been carefully disconnected and removed from my living room, my jewelry-box ransacked, my daughters room plundered and my guitar missing.  It was excitement all around, really.  Yes, to answer your next question, I did call the police, and No, to answer your second question, the doors were not left unlocked.  No, I don't know who did it, and no, the police seem to not really care whether they find out who did it.  My shit is just gone and there's nothing I can do to get it back.  But hey, it's just stuff, right?  At least I'm okay and my kids are okay.

This morning my car, which has been the thorn in my flesh for the last year or so, decided to try out a new trick as I left home to take my daughter to school.  It seems that it thinks itself too delicate to remain idling while at a stop unless I put it into park and rev the engine until the light turns green.  Okay, I'll play, but I'm leaving my kids safely at home so as not to run the risk of my persnickety car deciding to die, mid-left-turn and kill us all when a semi T-bones us.   At least this way, I will be the only dead person at the scene, should the car choke out its last breath at a critical moment in traffic.

I drove to the office in the most creative way ever, cutting through parking lots to avoid traffic lights and slow cars at 4 way stops, and slamming the car into park every time I was unfortunate enough to not have a parking lot to cut through at a traffic light.  I made it here, just barely and plopped down at my desk to catch my breath.  Okay, I might have had a few weak moments in the car when I cursed and cried a little out of frustration and stress overload...so sue me.

I want a job that pays me enough to take care of my family.  I know that means giving up on the dream here, but I'm at the point of realizing I can't do this alone.  Yes, there is a board of directors, and I have two partners.  The Board has done nothing to help further the mission here, and my partners are hardly ever here.  Why?  Because all these people have personal agendas, and their first priority is taking care of themselves and their families.  Mine has been to see this thing through and make it happen, often at the expense of my own well-being.  I believe that what we do here is important, but I'm understanding that others have to believe it too, or this is never going to work.  So, here is my paradigm shift (thanks for the cliche, Scott).

My new number one priority, maybe for the first time in my life, is me.  And by me, I mean me and my kids. I'm not saying fuck everyone else, I'm just saying...well, fuck everyone else.  I have to take care of myself and I have to take care of my kids.  I'm ready for a change and I'm about to make it happen.  Watch out world, here I come.

Am I happy today?  Hell no.  But at least I know where to start getting that way.

Stalked...

Wow, I haven't been here in a while, huh?  It's not that I've stopped working on getting (or staying) happy though.   I just learned a while back that my Stalker was stalking my blog pages.  That kind of made me lose my writing mojo for a while.  If you've ever been stalked, you certainly understand how having your "special someone" hoovering over your shoulder can put a cramp in your style.

But, here I am again, frankly feeling a little down today.  It is August.  My least favorite month of the year, since about 2 years ago when my close friend died on August 27.  It's hard to explain how losing someone the way we lost him sends ripples through your life, even years later, but in the oppressive heat of this summer, the ripples feel more like waves, heat waves of emotion.  It's mostly anger these days, mingled with sadness and still that nagging sense of needing so badly to understand it on some level.

I know though, that we aren't meant to understand everything that takes place in life.  My mind completely grasps the senselessness of suicide, but my heart still struggles with it.




So, in my effort to keep my joy in life securely intact, I've decided to focus on all the good things I still have in my life because I had Goose in my life at one time.  Today, I'm feeling thankful for all the friends I have now because of my friendship with Joey.  The crazy Friday Night people, Kato, Delane, and all those nuts--and my recent friendship with James, who I think is a really cool guy.  And of course, Stephanie and Reid, who remind me always of where Goose's heart always was, even in those times when he wasn't able to show it.

No one passes through your life and leaves you unchanged.  For all the hurt I've felt, all the grief I have endured because of this loss, I have people and places and memories that I will forever be thankful.

What do you think of that, Mr. Stalker?

Singing in the Car

My train of thought from yesterday gave me an idea, so I thought I'd continue with the theme and just say a little thanks to someone who remided me how much fun it is to sing while I'm driving down the road without a care for who might be watching me (or hearing me) and laughing. Turns out, he wasn't a good person for me AT ALL, and probably isn't really a "good match" for anyone, simply because he can't truly accept his own worth and looks to other people to give him acceptance...When he fails in his efforts to convince a woman to treat him like a god, he devalues her as much as he devalues himself. He taught me some important lessons, though, aside from singing in the car, and for the things I learned, I am also grateful. Grateful because I now understand more about myself and I am able to better discern what another person's motivation is in certain circumstances, and this, I believe, has saved me from a lot of heart-break. I hope you find the "you" underneath all the boasting and bragging, and really start to believe you are good enough, without someone else telling you so. I still think about you when I sing this song in the car, and it still makes me smile. Thanks for the lessons.

Real Profile, Fake Picture



Ok, so maybe I have too much time on my hands lately...I just had this idea today that it would be funny to match up random pictures of creepy guys with the dating profiles of pretty average normal guys.  The result?  Well, I think a creepy picture can creepy up anyone's dating profile quite a bit.  What do you think?

About him & Who he's looking for

What I long for is the company, the touch, the smell and the feel of a woman. A woman who wants to be with me, hold me and love me. I know your out there somewhere.  I want to hear you breath when I awake in the middle of the night. I want to hear you call me "Honey". To want to watch you watch me look at you and know we both know. To kiss and make love the way lovers do...spontanous, passionate, intimate.
Take my hand and lets take this walk together, one day at a time. Knowing that our brightest days are right out in front of us. Are you willing to take that walk with me?
Now tell me about you "Honey"...I want to listen, I want to love, I want to live!



 



     

Misheard Lyrics...

I'm pretty good with song lyrics...really, I am.  But for years, I really did think that in the song Brown Eyed Girl, they were saying "Going down on the old man with a transistor radio."  Obviously, I never conjured a mental picture of what I thought I was hearing, otherwise I would have figured out sooner that I was wrong about that line. 

I found out my error one day at work while killing time on a website called kissthisguy.com.  If you've never perused this website for a few chuckles, I'd encourage you to do so. 

And since I was brave enough to admit what I *thought* I was hearing in Brown Eyed Girl, maybe you can share some of your misheard lyrics too... Either way, this is some pretty darn funny stuff that's sure to make you giggle a little!  Look up your favorite song and see what kind of results you get!

Give this one a look too:

Misheard lyrics from Marcy Playground's 90's hit, Sex and Candy

Marcy Playground's Funniest Misheard Lyrics

1. Who's that casting Beefeater stares
   ...
2. Who's that casting Keith Richard stares ...
3. I smell sex in Candyland...
4. I sell sex and candy yeah...
5. I smell sex in the bathroom...
6. Who\'s that casting Keith Richard stares...
7. Who\'s that kissing? D.V.A. stares in m...
8. ...stares at my erection...
9. Ask me sex and candy here...

Good Parent?

If  you are a parent who is prone to laying guilt-trips on yourself for not doing everything just right , this video is for you.  I think as long as you aren't doing anything even remotely similar to the pictures in this video, you're probably doing an ok job.  So go hug your kids and give yourself a break!

Enjoy Your Memorial Day Weekend....

But don't forget your sunscreen...

People Of Walmart

Ok...I'm digressing from my rant about Match.com for a minute. Only because I saw this posted on FB this morning and it cracked me up. Also because I could rant about Wal-Mart shoppers all day long. It's not so much how they dress (although there is some great entertainment value there) for me, it's about the way they DRIVE! Yes, I said drive. Among other things...

Honestly, if one more housewife looking off to her left in fear of missing some great deal, bumps into me or runs over my kid one more time, I'm not going to be responsible for my actions! Seriously people, it is a basic rule for any object (or person) in motion: WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING!

Then there are the ones who block the aisle in front of you and move sooooo slowly that you end up turning around and going back around the way you came, go all the way down the next aisle and then U turn back to the other end of the aisle you were previously in, where the same person is still standing in the same spot looking at the SAME BOTTLE OF SUAVE SHAMPOO, just so you can grab your own shampoo and head to over to the Feminine Hygiene section....

Where there is an incredibly hairy and creepy guy hanging out, pretending to look at reading glasses but really just watching you pick out your tampons.

So you grab your box of Tampax Pearl and head on over to the wine section, because after this trip, you're going to need to drink when you get home. But when you reach the beer and wine section, you can't get through that aisle either because there is a married couple standing there with their cart in the middle of the aisle. They are arguing about whether to get Miller or Coors Light. You try to politely say, " 'Scuse me!" and squeeze through, but they don't budge. They just stand there and glare at you the way they were just glaring at one another a few seconds ago. And then you bump their cart with yours because they wouldn't move it the hell out of the way, so the husband rolls his eyes and with a loud "HUFF" slides the cart over to the side a little...once you've already gotten past them. You pick out your six pack or bottle of wine and head to the checkout as fast as you can (which won't be very fast) still hearing the bickering couple in the background as you walk away.

You're almost done! You are thinking how lucky you are to be so efficient, looking forward to the moment when all your stuff is bagged up and you step out into the sunshine of the free world again, when a ten year old NASCAR wannabe who has been allowed to "help" by pushing the cart comes barrelling out of the potato chip isle and T-bones your cart, sending a shockwave of impact through every joint in your upper body and causing you to ram the push-bar thingy into your gut. You think you might have broken a rib, but before you have time to clear your head and register what has happened, the kid's mom comes screaming obscenities from the aisle behind him about how he needs to be careful because, "These damn people in here don't know how to watch where they're going!" This leaves you pretty speechless, so you just shake off the impact of the crash and head, with even more determination, to the check out.

Where you wait in line for what seems like far too long, considering the person in front of you is only buying a pack of Twizzler's and a tube of body lotion. Then, as you reach the check-out counter, you realize you have managed to pick the one line in the store with the chatty cashier. The worst part is, you don't even know what the hell she's talking to you about because she's continuing her end of the conversation she was just having with the last two customers, so you just keep smiling and nodding and praying to God that she shuts up soon and just bags up your shit so you can leave.

Finally! You swiped your debit card, grabbed all your bags and threw them back in the cart and headed for the door!

Where the greeter has stopped a customer in front of you to check his reciept, and it's decided that she'll also need to check yours. So you dig the reciept back out of your purse and hold it up for her so she can make a yellow mark on it with her highligter pen. You try to be patient, because, after all, what if you need that reciept later, in case you accidentally bought defective tampons?


You made it! You're walking out into the fresh air, focused intently on the sun-glare coming from the roof of your car! Yay, you remembered where you parked! You manage to make it across the parking lot without getting hit by a car, open your trunk and start loading up your stuff. Then you notice a car parked in the drive behind you, lights on, engine running right blinker on. The driver is impatiently staring at you to let you know, without a doubt, that he's waiting for your space so hurry up. You politely wave to acknowledge him, finish your task and then go to put your cart in the designated area. That's when he starts flashing his bright lights at you and rolls down his window so you can hear him cursing, not at you, but...at you. You make it back to your car, crank up the engine, throw her into reverse and start to back out. But the guy behind you has pulled so close, you have no room to back out. So you sit there and wait for him to back up a little, which he does while vigorously shaking his head and calling you an idot.

But you are out of there! Finally, back at home with all your wares. And you realize as you empty the last bag and head to the bathroom that you forgot to buy toilet paper...Wonder if Family Dollar is still open???