A Form Letter to The Asshole in Your Life

No matter who you are, at some point or another you will cross paths with a true Asshole.  Chances are you won't recognize this person as an Asshole right away.  He/she may appear to be a normal, caring, gregarious person with whom you can share a genuine friendship.  Try not to be too disappointed when you start to recognize the symptoms of Assholery.  Selfish, jealous, controlling and angry people are often good at only letting you see little glimpses of their maladaptive behaviors at first so it is only normal that you want to give them another chance...and another, and another....
However, don't be too down on yourself for trying over and over again to understand the Asshole's perspective and show him/her empathy,  only to find yourself confused and unsuccessful in your attempt at having a healthy human connection with this person.  The typical Asshole is incapable of sharing a true connection with others. It really isn't anything you're doing that is making him/her act the way they do.  Assholes gotta be assholes.

Often the only way to get back to a place of peace in your life is to end the relationship with your Asshole.  Considering the average Asshole is obstinate and often resistant to change, it can be difficult to end such a relationship with a mutually respectful, constructive conversation.  Therefore I have created this form letter which you are welcome to use to facilitate the departure of yourself from the all too-stale atmosphere of the Asshole.  Please use it with my permission and make any necessary changes to tailor it to your specific Asshole.

Dear (Asshole's Name),

I am writing this letter to you because you are an asshole.  I am choosing to write to you rather than attempt to have a conversation with you because conversations with you are an exercise in frustration for me and futility for all concerned.  Frankly, the only way I can get you to shut up long enough to let me say anything is to write it all down and deliver it to you when I am not in your presence.  I know you will read it because you are eager to find all my grammatical errors and point them out to me, then tell me that what I wrote didn't make any sense at all.

Although you know you are an asshole, you will deny all of your asshole-like behaviors when they are pointed out to you. Therefore please try to accept that I am not writing this letter for your benefit (although I know you think everything I do is for and/or about you).  I am writing this to you solely for my benefit, just because it feels so damn good to just come right out and say what I think about you without sugar-coating the facts in an effort to spare your Assholery.  We both know you don't have feelings in the human sense of the word.

I want you to know you are sorry.  I understand that it is difficult for you to verbalize this yourself, even when you act out in cruel, inconsiderate and inappropriate ways towards others.  You love to hear everyone else admit to you how "sorry" they are because it makes you feel less sorry, but the truth is you ARE sorry.  Refusing to say the words doesn't change this fact.  When you belittle someone, you are sorry.  When you take advantage of the less-fortunate, you are sorry.  When you make every conversation about you, you are sorry.  When you take the crisis of another person and make it about yourself, you are sorry.  When you refuse to return the kindness of others, you are sorry.  Admittedly, everyone displays assholeish behaviors at times.  The difference between you and other people who are not assholes is that people who are NOT assholes know when they have acted in a way that hurts other people and they do not consider themselves above apologizing or making amends.  I repeat, your refusal to admit you are sorry does not change the fact that you are indeed, sorry.

Please know that I sympathize with your low opinion of yourself.  In some way or another, we all struggle with our self-esteem.  However, you should know that putting me down does not make you a better person. My successes do not make you a failure, nor do your victories make me a loser.  It should give you some relief to know that no one is  better than you.  By the same token, you are not better than anyone else.  In God's eyes and in mine, we are of equal value.  I realize you feel your assholeish behaviors tip the scales of fairness and justice in your favor, but you should know that this is merely your delusional thinking at play.  Only God gets to judge what is fair and just. The rest of us work to accept that God decides these things.  Your frantic efforts to control everyone and everything are useless.  You could control yourself if you chose to do so, but you are too concerned with everyone else to even notice that you are often completely out of control.

Your opinions are not facts and my differing ideas to not make me an idiot.

You make just as many mistakes as anyone else.  You forget things, you mix things up, you make messes.  Your resistance to taking responsibility for your mistakes does not negate the reality that you are human and prone to error just as much as anyone else.  By the way, let me take this moment to remind you that "Your" and "You're" have two different meanings and are not interchangeable.

Your breath stinks in the morning, your body makes disgusting noises and you are just as prone to sickness and disease as any other average human being.  Your over-the-top reaction to having a minor health issue that is quickly curable makes you a complete asshole, especially if you are complaining endlessly about it to a person who has a major life-threatening, incurable disease.

The world does not revolve around you.  I know this comes as a shock and I wish I could say I'm sorry for having to be the one to deliver this distressing news.  The refusal of the Earth's gravitational pull to draw itself around you and your preferences is not something you can change.  There are lots of other people in the world with different ways of thinking, different colors of skin, different sexual orientations and even different preferences concerning the temperature of the room they are in.  (When you are not the only person in the room the personal comfort of others should be considered as well as your own comfort.)  When you go out in public you will encounter many different kinds of people; they do not exist simply to annoy you.  Gay people will not rub up against you and try to "gay you up."  Black people are not lurking around every corner waiting to drive-by shoot you.  Hispanics are not plotting to take your job or raise your taxes and President Obama has not installed surveillance cameras on your house.  You are just not that important.

Finally, I want to say that I realize you may not appreciate my frankness or the value of my input on the level of your assholery.  That's okay with me.  I really don't give a damn what you think anymore. The whole point in this letter is that I feel so much better after having written it.  I'm really going to have a great day.


You just keep being your miserable self.  All by yourself.


With Little Regard,


(Sign Here)