Validation

Sunday morning I had brunch with a big gang of folks I haven't seen in a long time.  When life hits me with one big effing deal after another, I tend to lose touch with people.  Part of me wants to hide away and just try to "deal" the best I can on my own, and part of me wishes for the comfort and encouragement of friends.  I guess I worry too much about what people think of me though, because when things get me down, I tend too not think to highly of myself and I assume that others feel the same way about me.

Brunch was good for me.  I sat at the end of the table with a sweet friend who is also a single mom who struggles with some of the same big effing deals I have to confront in my own life.  I've recently had some pretty intense conversations with someone close to me about my employment situation that left me feeling like a big fat loser.  Basically, I was called a liar because that certain someone couldn't believe anyone could seriously be looking for a job as long as I have been without finding one. Even as I write this I feel my defenses rising, because until you are in this kind of situation, you have no right to stand in judgment of someone who is struggling with it.  So imagine how validated I felt when my friend at brunch said to me, "I seriously had no idea it would take this long to find a job."

As our conversation progressed I heard her echoing some of the same experiences I have had over the last year or so: Interviews that seemed promising but never materialized into a job, hundreds of applications and resumes sent with no responses, ignored phone calls, the list goes on.  She said, "I have no idea why no one wants to hire me."  I swear it could have been me talking.

We pondered the idea that maybe it's our age?  She's in her late 30's, I'm in my (I like to say) early 40's.  "I feel like I might need to lie about my age." My friend joked, because seriously, would anyone discriminate against someone who is in her 30's because of her age?  I said I felt like I might need to dumb down my resume a bit (not admitting that I already have and it hasn't worked).

 We both are educated and have professional experience.  Maybe it's that we are too qualified for some of the jobs we apply for?  Maybe employers look at our resumes and assume we will want too much pay, that we will get hung up on health insurance issues, or maybe it is the gap in employment that makes us look risky?  Hospitality jobs are plentiful, but they focus their hiring on college students, recent graduates and people with experience in the field. Neither my friend nor I have experience in the hospitality industry.  I've never waited a table or worked at a drive through or even had a sales job in a store.  I have always worked in a somewhat professional capacity.  You'd think that would give me an edge, not a disadvantage.

I was recently told that I should think outside the box.  I should try to get a job outside of my chosen field and I have tried.  I've applied at car washes, department stores warehouses and furniture stores. My unconventional thinking though, does not guarantee that someone will notice me or offer me a job.

I guess I should give myself a little credit for the "outside the box" thinking that has kept me going for the last year though; a contract position with a former employer that pays a part time wage that's enough to at least cover my utility bills every month.  I even picked up another gig in December to supplement the income I was already getting.  Still, it feels pretty crappy when you're already doubting yourself and then someone you trust and respect accuses you of being a lazy, lying conniving bum.

One thing that is common in all of us is that we need to feel heard, if not understood.  We need to have our experiences acknowledged and respected by the people closest to us and when those people cannot or will not honor our human experience (our emotions, our struggles, even our physical pain) we can feel completely devalued and insignificant.  Until Sunday at brunch, I kept wondering what the heck was wrong with me.  I thought maybe I hadn't tried hard enough.  Maybe all the crappy things that happened to me over the last year shouldn't have bothered me so much.  After all, people lose their homes, right?  Everyone loses a parent sooner or later, right?  Sometimes people have accidents and break bones and end up unable to do anything for a few months, including finding a job.  Storage facilities exist for a reason, you know?  Because people end up losing their houses and having to pack up all their crap somewhere for a while to give them time to figure out what the heck to do next.  Doesn't everyone wonder if they are somehow damaging their kids because they can't seem to get their shit together?  Why was I making such a big deal out of all this stuff?

I was feeling as if I had been ungrateful, despite the huge mountain of personal debt I felt I owed for the fact that I had a roof over my head for the last few months.  I was feeling pretty darn useless, worthless, ineffective and inadequate. It seemed like the harder I tried to show my gratitude, the more I tried to prove my worth, the less worthy I became.  Those are the very real human emotions that overtake anyone who is invalidated at every turn by the very people she needs to hear her and honor her experiences.

But the very moment my brunch friend mentioned her struggle with finding work, I felt a calm come over me.  Something told me that I'm not crazy.  I haven't made mountains out of molehills.  I have employed all the healthy (and a few not so healthy) coping skills I've ever learned in order to keep myself going. Even in my weakest moments, I have been stronger than I realized.  Funny how a simple statement of understanding from just one friend could give me such peace and validation.

I know I have gone through some very real struggles over the last few years and whether or not anyone else can acknowledge and respect those struggles, I owe it to myself to acknowledge and respect them.  My trials don't define me, but the way I choose to cope with them does.  I choose to experience all of life, the good and the not-so good.  I choose to embrace my inner experiences, to let them guide me towards whatever comes next, knowing that because I made it through the last big effing deal, I can make it through the next.