Escape

"Hey, a kid could escape from here!" Charlie piped up from the backseat today as we were driving around the corner where he can see the back-side of his school on the way home.

"Yeah, I guess they could," I said.  "But you wouldn't do that, would you?" I asked a little worried.

"Nah, not unless I had teleportation or invisibility." He answered, very matter of factly.

"Well, that's understandable." I replied.  "But where would you go if you escaped?  Would you go home?"

"I'd probably just do whatever stuff I want to do."  He answered.  And I thought about how nice That might be, even for a kid, to be able to just do whatever he wants to do.

It might be a while before we have invisibility cloaks or the ability to teletransport, but as adults, we really should try to carve out a little more time here and there to do what we want to do, instead of always running around doing things we feel we have to do.

Adulthood often smacks us in the face with all its, go here, do this, do that and then feel guilty because you didn't do the other, crap.  I noticed about myself the other day, that no matter where I am or what I am doing, I feel guilty--as if there is something more important I should be doing or some other place I should be.  This feeling, having nagged me for so long, I went in search of answers.  Does anyone else feel this way, I wondered?

 So, of course I asked Google.

 And of course, I just ended up feeling more confused about the whole situation.

Yes, I found out.  Other people do feel the same way as me, but for so many various reasons I couldn't decide which one applied to me personally.  Is it because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to with my life?  Is it because I procrastinate? Is it because I'm deeply scarred from my up-bringing? Is it because I really should be doing something more productive whenever I'm just doing what I want to do?  Is it because I haven't found my purpose in life?  I honestly still have no idea why I feel so unsettled about where and what I'm doing all the time. If you have any insights though, I'm open to your analysis...

All I have kind of figured out over the last couple of years is that life keeps on happening no matter what we're doing with our time.  As a mom of two girls after my divorce, my life seemed like a never-ending list of chores, work and errands.  A few minutes to myself seemed like such a luxury I dared not wish for it.  Then I had my son and two teenage daughters and was in the most miserable relationship of my life with a full-time job and an extra "stray" teenager living in my house for a while, and those were the days when I took several showers a day just to have a few minutes of peace and quiet to escape the noise of responsibility.  
During all that time my life was happening, and I was spending a whole lot of my energy feeling resentful about where my time was going.

I don't know where else I expected to place my time and energy, really.  After all, I was living my life.  I was doing what needed and had to be done, but I was going about it in such a joyless way that I ended up wasting what could have been a whole lot of happier days.  It wasn't that I could have slacked off any more, I couldn't.   Responsibility was making me its Bitch, and I couldn't fight that.  I suppose though, that I could have had a better attitude about it all, and not kept quite so much of my angst to myself.

Today though, instead of guilting myself all day long, I just let the day happen.  It started off stressful, just like yesterday, but I came home after dropping off my boy, took care of the dogs and then took a nap.  I almost felt bad about that, but I stopped myself.  Then I went to Goodwill and bought some books, picked up my boy, had the aforementioned conversation and proceeded to Sonic to buy milkshakes and then go play at the park.  It was a single day in my life, and not one I'm likely to even recall in years to come, but I've lived it the way I wanted to: Spending time with my little boy, enjoying the sunshine and learning something new from reading a book.  I think back now, on all those times when I was so tired and longed so much for some quiet time to myself and paradoxically find that I wish my life were more like that again.  Even though I enjoyed today, I feel as if I've had too many days lately where enough isn't demanded of me and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  Life, though hurried and difficult, seems much easier in a way when someone else is dictating how you spend it.

The thing that came to me, and this is all I can figure out about my feeling of not being or doing the right thing all the time, is that I have some big decisions to make.  Until I make them, my life is essentially on hold.  As long as my life is on hold, I'm always going to feel displaced.  My problem is, I am afraid I no longer possess the ability to make good decisions.  What if I screw up again??

That's what it all boils down to, I suppose.  I feel out of sorts because I'm putting off making some important decisions that absolutely have to be made.  I am living in a kind of fear mode, that whatever I decide will end up making my life worse, instead of better.  Goodness knows I've made plenty of similar choices before.

So much for all the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mantra.  Looks like for me, what hasn't killed me has just managed to make me a yellow bellied coward.  Ugh.  I don't like that about me.  Is that really me?

That does it.  As soon as I figure out how, I'm just going to teleport myself out of this mess.  Don't bother trying to find me.  I'll be invisible.