The Text Trap

I'm horrible at verbal communication.  I'm not sure exactly why, but especially during emotionally charged situations, I find myself grasping for words to effectively communicate how I feel or what I'm thinking.  I find myself having "verbal" exchanges with people who aren't present, as I go about my daily business, wishing that in that conversation that already happened in real life, I could have thought of the thing I just said.

I suppose that's why, whenever I need to share something deeply emotional or confrontational, I find it much easier to write out my thoughts and feelings.  It seems to me that I make more sense that way--that whomever I am communicating with must surely be better able to understand my point of view if I am able to state it more clearly in black and white, rather that with blubbering emotion and my struggle for the exact "right" words.

Internet communication and text have not helped me learn verbal communication skills at all.  In fact, technology has turned me into an emotional coward when it comes to communicating with someone face to face.  The mere thought of having an extremely vulnerable conversation with someone face to face literally terrifies me. What if I say something the wrong way and they don't understand me?  What if they're better than me at this "talking" thing and I never succeed in getting my point across?  What if they say things to me that I can never un-hear?  Things that hurt me, and things that make me more emotional and more likely to make a fool of myself in front of them.

I realize now, the origins of the "Dear John" letter, the suicide note and the silent treatment.  They all come from a very deep and very real sense of insecurity.  Perhaps, sometimes guilt, when we know that what we have to say is going to be emotionally hurtful to the other person.  The problem, as I am realizing it now, is that in communicating in such a disconnected way, like text or email, just makes the other person feel as if you don't have enough respect for them to discuss your issues with them face to face. 

I'm understanding how unfair it is of me to hide behind the black and white of my computer screen or the tiny text bubbles on my iPhone.  It's wrong of me, to refuse to let someone I care about hear my voice when I tell them that my feelings are hurt, or that I'm unhappy with how our relationship is going.  It is inconsiderate of me to expect them to read and decipher through mere words on a page, how I'm feeling or what I am trying to emotionally communicate to them.

I have to make an important phone call to a business acquaintance soon.  The news I have to communicate isn't good news. I sat here at my computer a few minutes ago, pondering whether I should just email the news to her and let her deal with the facts.  The problem is, she's also my friend and I care about her very much.  I know that I need to sit down with her, look her in the eye and tell her the cold honest truth and then be there for her as we both try to figure out how to fix things.

She deserves more than a one-sided textual explanation of things.   I can think of a few people who needed and deserved more than that from me over the last few years, since text and email have come along to rescue me from my own social awkwardness.  I realize I still owe some people some conversations, or at least sincere words spoken from my heart--not presented as black and white factual information on a screen.  So what if I shed a tear or can't think of the perfect way to phrase what I need to say?  The point is, they'll know I cared enough to give them my time and my effort--that I faced my own fear of looking them in the eye and letting them see me for who I really am, instead of seeing me as a cold and calculating person who has to perfectly measure her words and type them out, instead of speaking from my heart.

Lord be with me, as I venture on this new way of relating to the world around me that will not involve text or email, or even blog posts that I secretly hope the "right person" will read.  I want to be more genuine, more available and yes, maybe even a little more vulnerable in my dealings with those I care about.  How can anyone feel comfortable opening up to me, when my emotional world to them, is nothing more that a boring tirade of black and white on an electronic screen?

I guess I have a few visits to make in the coming weeks.

Wish me luck.