A lot of people are thinking about time today, the first day of daylight savings time for 2014. In fact, I have heard so many complaints about that lost hour that I finally stopped engaging people with, "I know, it really sucks." And just smiled and nodded instead.
It is one hour. An hour of sleep no less. It isn't as if you're missing out on an hour at your kids birthday party, or your wedding got cut short by an hour. It's not like something has really been taken away from you at all. It's an hour that will still come and go as usual, but with a different number to symbolize it. 12:00 pm, 1:00 pm, what's the big deal?
I understand the importance of sleep. I really do, because if I don't sleep, I'm not myself. I make silly mistakes and I don't comprehend much of what is going on around me. Because of my disease, I have spent countless nights without sleep--much more than just an hour. So pardon me if hearing you whine about losing ONE HOUR of sleep kind of irks me a little.
Time is something you really can't save. You can't hoard it away and keep it handy to spend however you deem fit when the day comes that life makes no demands of you. You can do things you do like to do a little quicker, but no matter what, time is ticking away and there's nothing you can do to stockpile it for later use. You know the old cliche, "There's no time like the present?" Well, it's a cliche because it's true. The present is really all there is.
I'm not saying we shouldn't have goals and dreams. It is only human and quite natural, by our design to look to our future and think about what we want to accomplish. But if that's all we ever think about, we are wasting now.
Time can't be saved, but it can be wasted. This is the bare bones of what having a life-threatening disease has taught me. It's both a good and a bad thing. It's good because it drives me to try to make my days count, even if in thee tiniest of ways. It's bad because I, too often, beat myself up for not making my days count enough. I give myself grief over wasting time in the past, on people who didn't want or deserve my time anyway, and on pursuits that, from the beginning were wrong for me. Then I start telling myself that I am not good at budgeting my time, that I don't value myself enough to make wise choices about whom and what I give my time to. I start to think I can't trust myself to make good decisions and then I get paralyzed by the fear of making another mistake--wasting more of my time--squandering a resource I can never replace.
I spend a ton of time lately, just staying alive. This dialysis at home stuff is no joke. People see me out and about and they'd never guess there's a tube in my belly, or that I sleep hooked up to a machine every night. They don't know how long it takes me to get ready for bed because of that machine, or how long it takes every morning to disconnect from it, throw out all the garbage it produces and then go about my day. I lose more than an hour a day, just staying alive. I don't consider it time wasted, but it would definitely be much more fun if I could spend it another way.
That brings me to another thing I've learned from having a serious illness. People complain about the silliest things. I hear them moan and groan about so many things they can't change, instead of accepting what can't be changed and concentrating on what they can actually control. I hear them whine about "problems" that aren't really problems at all. I realize we all have daily irritations that get in the way of our sunny outlook on life, but really, before you complain to some single mom who is getting by on the tightest budget imaginable about not having enough time or money to get your nails done this week, think about it. And then keep your mouth shut. If you have love to come home to every day, pleasant people to interact with in your life, children, extended family, or even just a few great friends, you have plenty of time-worthy endeavors to explore in your life. Instead of lamenting a lost hour of sleep, you could choose to be thankful for the time you have to give of yourself to those you love.
Those of us with serious illnesses are reminded all too often that life is short. Time eventually runs out, and it can't be recovered. But really, everyone should think as much about mortality as we do. None of us are promised tomorrow, and today could be the last day we get time to let our loved-ones know for sure that they are loved by us.
As afraid as I am of my own decision-making abilities, I have been trying harder lately to learn to trust myself. If something or someone seems to be leeching away my time without any regard for my life and the way it is spent, I have to let go of that person or that thing. It isn't easy. Especially when you have to let go of someone you love or a comfortable situation. But if the decisions go unmade, my life passes me by without meaning or purpose. Sure, others may benefit from my presence, but if their hearts and minds are closed to who I am and what I can offer through the gift of my time, I should find a better place to spend it...a more appreciative and caring person to spend it with.
I still want to make a difference in the lives of others. I still have love and care to give. Those are things I can save up, for the time when the right person and the right situations come along. But in the meantime, I have to keep busy working on myself. Even though I'll return to dust sooner than any of us may think, the only way I can affect the world around me, is by constantly working to better myself, spending my time learning to be a better person.
And that means trying my best to not complain about losing an hour of sleep for daylight "savings" time.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comments are always welcome! Please share your own stories and feel free to discuss anything I post!