Speaking of Southern

I have seen so many movies with actors trying to mimic Southern accents who do its badly that I hang my head in shame, in embarrassment for them because they apparently don't know how bad they suck at saying thing's like "y'all" and dropping the "ing" from words.  As a Southerner myself, I think our accent is probably one of the easiest to fake.  After all, it's just a matter of speaking in a more relaxed way.  You can call it lazy if you want, we don't care.  Here are a few pointers for any of you out there who want to sound more like the locals when you visit places like Asheville NC or heaven forbid, Louise MS.

1. Speaking Southern requires a state of being that rejects concepts like traffic-jams, political arguments, standing in line for $7.00 coffee, or behaviors like tapping your foot at the cash register while the cashier sparks up some small talk with the person in line before you.  If you really want to sound like a Southerner, take a deep breath, clear your mind of all your sissy pants city-boy concerns, and imagine yourself instead, sitting on a front porch with hound-dogs underneath it as your uncle Clyde picks out a sweet gospel hymn on his guitar.  You can even imagine yourself with a cool glass of sweet-tea in your hand, if that helps.  The point is, anytime you want to feel more Southern and less like a jack-ass, take your mind to a happy, Southern place and then take action from there.

2. Onto the more technical aspects of enunciating the Southern way.  Folks from the hurried North seem to think that speaking Southern merely requires one to use improper grammar and say words that no one who lives above the West Virginia state line can define.  However, one of the key points to sounding more Southern has to do with  where you place the emphasis on any given word.  To demonstrate, I'll give a few examples.  Any word or phrase that is abbreviated, for instance TV, or CD, is pronounced with the emphasis on the FIRST syllable: "Honey, have you seen my Lynard Skynard SEE-D?"  Or: "Son, turn off that TEE-V and do your homework."  The same goes for words like:

Insurance--INsurance
Theater-THEE-ayter
Speedometer--SPEED-ometer
Magazine--MAG-azine
Peanut--PEA-nut
Pecan-PEE-Con

Hopefully by now, you get the point.  Just remember, emphasis!

3. I can't make this point clear enough.  You must, absolutely and without exception learn the proper use of the word "y'all."  Y'all is a Southern-grown contraction for the words "you all".  This means that when we say "y'all" we are talking about a group of people, not a single person.  Never, EVER refer to one single Southerner as "y'all". Just like you Up-North people, when we speak to a single person, the correct way to address them is with the word "you".  As in, "You fucked up my order, you dumb-ass Yankee, why don't you go back where you came from so you can understand the language."  Y'all is also sometimes a possessive pronoun. As in:  "Are them all y'all's junk cars sittin' in the yard?" Or, more commonly in my house, ya'll need to pick up y'all's toys before I break my neck tryin' to walk up the stairs."

4.  This one is optional, because some Southerners in recent years have begun to add the "ing" back onto words where it belongs.  However, many still do not, and if you want to sound authentically Southern, you'll need to lazy up your speech a little to achieve this.  There are some key words to which the "ing" are Southernly not necessary.  Here are just a few of those words:

Wedding-Weddin'
Getting-Gettin'
Fixing-Fixin'
Eating-Eatin'
Fornicating-Fuckin', sinnin' or goin' ta Hell....

You can probably figure out the rest on your own, but again, this point is less important than some of the others.

5.  The use of the word "I".  This seems to be the hardest one of all for Hollywood Yankees to figure out and I can't figure out why that is.  Here is the correct Southern pronunciation- "Ah"  here is the correct English pronunciation-"Ey".  We simply replace the longer sound of the "y" with a silent "h".  It's just lazy speech people!  Yeah, maybe we talk slower, but we are experts at shortening the words that we say so slowly, so it probably all balances out when you think about it.  "Ah'm goin' to the store to buy some 'maters.  y'ont some?"  Seems to me that takes a lot less time to say than, "Ey am going to the supermarket to buy some fresh tomatoes, would you like me to bring some back for you as well?"

5. We make up words to fit certain situations.  You won't know the meaning of these words until you've heard them a few times, but after you've gotten used to them, they'll make perfect sense. Just to be a stinker, I'm not going to tell you any of them.  It's too much fun watching you nod along as if you understand what we are saying to you, when in all actuality, we are probably making fun of you in the politest way possible.

6.  My last point brings me to this point, which is my last point.  Southerners often combine two words into one to make thinks simpler.  After all, we are all about living simpler lives.  Along with the word y'all, we employ words like "nem": As in, "When are Bobby-nem gon' get here?"  And "Yonto" as in "I'm going to go huntin' tomorrow, yonto?"  or "Ustacould"--"I ustacuould talk like a Yankee, but I can't do it n'more."  One of my personal favorites is "Backair"--"I can't find that toilet cleaner you said you put'n the closet!"
"Well, I know I put it backair!"
This one also applies to "upair", "downair, and "inair".

Although I doubt if any Northern born and bred Hollywood actors are going to stumble across my humble blog post, I hope that in some small way, I have helped someone--maybe even a Northern Transplant to the South figure out how to communicate more effectively with the locals.  Just remember, be careful how you use these terms and phrases, otherwise, you might insult the wrong guy by saying something like "I sure do wish I could get to know your wife a little better downair."

The key is practice, and to not sound like a Northern prick who is trying to make fun of the way we speak.  The truth is, we think you talk funny too.