I Don't Like Sweet Tea

Yesterday morning someone posted some maps on Facebook that showed how awful it is to live in the South.  The caption said I should be outraged by what I saw, but I wasn't.  It did make me think about moving to the Midwest though, because it seems like (based solely on these maps) that's the best place to live in the United States.

Here's a link to those maps, by the way :
Maps That Show How Awful The South Is.

Now, I could go into how depressing some of this information really is, especially economically, but we who live here already know how dismal our economy is.  When I made a comment on the maps yesterday a friend of mine made a comment back about Southern stereotypes.  That got me thinking about all the things I've had Northerners try to educate me on about the South over the years.

Speaking of maps...This one demonstrates not only variations of the Southern accent, but different accents across the country.  Too bad even they got the South wrong....We don't speak Coastal Southern in the whole state of SC.
  Go Here to read more about this study.

In sixth grade my best friend was Judy.  Judy was from Florida, technically the South, although you don't find many people there who would classify as Southern.  In fact when Judy and her family moved to SC, they were a little worried that they wouldn't be able to understand "the language".  Seriously, Judy thought that we spoke a whole different language here.  While our Southern dialect is different from what you'd here in other parts of the country, it is still English.  We don't all use bad grammar when we speak and we don't all have the same Southern sound.  A lot of people don't realize that people in the South Carolina Low  Country speak with a different kind of Southern accent than those of us who live in the mountains or piedmont.  People in Louisiana have a different accent than people in Georgia and  in the accents of West Virginians sound like an exaggerated form of the Tennessee mountain accent.

I had someone tell me once, "Southern people talk slow."  I never really thought about us being slow before then but after that, I started paying attention.  We don't talk any slower than anyone else.  We even sometimes shorten words to the point that they might not sound like English to the untrained ear.  One such word that comes to mind is the word "ruined."  I remember the first time I heard that word pronounced correctly.  I thought it sounded ridiculous.  Here in the South, a lot of us say "rurnt."  See, much quicker to say.  It's not at all that we talk a lot slower than other people, it's just that some of us put extra syllables in some words.  Like someone named "Joy" might get called "Joey" and words like "Catholicism" might be pronounced "CATH-olicism."  Incidentally, saying anything Catholic-related might also make you go to Hell--if you're a Southerner.

Here's one that's true.  We are a religiously protestant and  opinionated bunch of states.  I don't know who came up with The Bible Belt description of our fair lands but I don't like it.  It makes one conjure up an image of fat Southern Baptist preachers walking around red-faced, hollering at

"We can't wait to slap y'all upside the head with this Bible!"

everyone and whacking them upside the head with a king sized King James Bible.  Anyone who knows a few Southerners knows that for the most part, we are a passive-aggressive bunch who would rather silently judge you for your sins and discuss your iniquities with our "fellow believers" than call you out on them.  Yep, most Southerners are Republican and conservative, but certainly not all of us.  Likewise, we aren't all Bible thumpers, running around street-preaching and trying to cast people into Hell with our bare hands. Our beliefs are important to us and we tend to cling to what we believe worked for our families in the past.  It just so happens that many of us think that if it works for us it should work for you too.  It's not out of hate that Southerners want to change your opinion of all things God.  Most of the time it's out of a genuine concern for your immortal soul.  Think about it, if you believed sincerely that anyone who did not believe in Jesus was going to be cast into a lake of eternal fire and it was YOUR responsibility to try to convince them to believe so they wouldn't be tortured for eternity, wouldn't you be pretty emphatic?

Not your average Southerner

Once I dated a guy from Michigan.  His family moved to Georgia when he was a freshman in college.  He was devastated by the move and really worried about driving in Georgia where there were no paved roads and the bridges were always out.  He obviously had never taken a ride down I-85 through Atlanta.  His whole perception of the South came from The Dukes of Hazzard, which by the time he was a freshman in college was already a show from the past that none of us could believe we watched in the first place.  That's one problem we have down here:  Everyone gets their ideas about who we are from TV that is made by directors, producers and actors that have never stepped foot in the home of a Southerner.  Don't get me wrong, I love watching My Name Is Earl.  It's hilarious, but really aren't there people all over our country who live like Earl and Randy?  The difference is their accents, people who live in trailer parks in Ohio sound more nasally than people who live in trailer parks in Alabama.  They're poor, some of them practice very poor judgment, some are criminals, and some are just regular folk doing the best they can to get by.




Waterbeds?  I don't know where this one comes from, unless it is from My Name is Earl, but I don't know any Southerner that owns a waterbed.  At least not anymore.  I admit though, that at one time in my life I lived in a trailer and slept on a waterbed.  So sue me.

If I had a nickel for every time some Northerner raised her eyebrows at me when I order UNSWEET tea for lunch, I'd be rich enough to buy my own F150 complete with towing package and a bass boat.  "Unsweet tea?" They exclaim. "You're a Southerner, you're supposed to drink sweet tea!"  Thanks for the tip on how to be "Southern" but there aren't really strict rules we have to follow.  We live in the South together, but we are still individuals--just like you Yanks.  According to some, I am supposed to be dumb, drive a truck, eat turnip greens, cornbread and fried chicken or bacon and grits at least once a day. I'm supposed to live in a trailer, be fat, date my cousin, have 6 kids with at least 5 different dads, go to church 4 times a week, whack people on the head with my Bible, hide moonshine under the floorboards and bury my money in the back yard in a mason jar because "Southerners don't trust banks."  Also, I am supposed to get my water from a well, walk around barefoot all the time and I really shouldn't have indoor plumbing.  Most of all, and I can't stress this enough, I am supposed to be dumb.  Stupid.  Ignorant.  Idiotic. Uneducated.  Foolish.  An imbecile with big hair and blue eye shadow who smokes and drinks beer for breakfast.

Don't let me forget that I am also supposed to be a racist, gun-totin' homophobe.  I really need to work harder on those things if I want to keep being card-carrying Southerner.  I really like people.  Any kind of people.  It doesn't matter one bit to me if you're black, white, purple or green.  Just so long as you're not a Clemson fan.  I have never owned or shot a gun and I'm most definitely NOT afraid of gay people.

On the other hand, this guy scares me.

 I hate to shatter your preconceived ideas about Southerners, but here's the cold hard truth:  We don't all do what you think we are supposed to do in order to qualify as a true Southerner.  Maybe I am supposed to drink sweet tea, but I don't like it. Perhaps the gene of a Yankee somehow made it into my family's bloodline and I got stuck with the non-sweet tea-liking taste buds.  Who knows?  We really don't need to have such a hard line drawn between North and South anymore, do we?  I mean, don't we all have a lot in common despite where our homes fall on the map?

I think we do, and I think Southerners are great people.  They are strong, determined, faithful, intelligent and witty folks.  Southerners don't tolerate foolishness very well, we don't drive as fast as they do up North, and we are totally thrilled when it snows.  We know how to cook, and we know how to eat some good freaking food.  Some of us like fat-back in our green beans or collard greens, and some of us don't like green beans or collards at all.  We are just people like everyone else.  We love our country and we love where we live for many reasons that you can only understand if you come live here with us for a while.

But when you do come on down for a spell, try not to advise us on how to be Southerners.  Let me enjoy my unsweet tea in peace.  Otherwise, the other part of my Southernness might pop up, and although you may not understand what I'm saying to you, you'll get the message. I am a Southerner  AND I do not like sweet tea.

No Sugar, Please