If Dogs Had Thumbs

We have a new family member at our house.  Her name is Penny and she is a Black Lab/Pittbull mix.  We adopted her from the pound about two weeks ago.  She is very sweet and loveable, but is only about 6 months old, which means she is sometimes very energetic and snippy.  She loves to chew, nip, jump on people and occasionally hide in a corner to pee on the carpet.  She is slowly improving and learning the ways of domestic life though, and for all the struggles of training a puppy, she is well worth the effort when she jumps up on the couch with me to snuggle and watch TV at night. 

Ever Seen a Chimp With a Leash Around His Neck??

While watching Penny play a couple of days ago, my daughter posed an interesting question.  What if dogs had thumbs?  Would they use their mouths so much?

And of course, that got me thinking about all the ways we would treat our animals differently if they did have thumbs.  Here are a few of the things that came to mind for me:

1.  We wouldn't use leashes anymore because we could just hold hands with our dogs.  Sure, that would leave them walking on 3 legs, but I've seen dogs that could do it.  Besides, it would seem more inhumane to put a leash around a two-thumbed creature's neck.  Ever seen a Chimpanzee with a leash around his neck?  I rest my case.

2.  They could open the door and go outside on their own.  No more doggie doors.

3.  They would fetch much differently. 

4.  Instead of biting the mailman, they might pinch him.

5.  They could eat at the table with us.  From a spoon. Or a fork.

6. They could hold the remote control.

7.  They could hand you things without slobbering all over them first.

8.  They could pick flowers, instead of peeing on them.

9.  They would dig holes with a shovel.

10.  Puppies might be thumb-suckers instead of incessant chewers.

  12. They could hitch-hike.

     13.  They could brush their own   teeth.

     14.  They could feed themselves   hamburgers and corn on the cob.

        15.  They could pick up their babies without looking like they're about to eat them.

16.  Maybe they could even use toilet paper????

10 Better Reasons to Hate Chick-fil-a

Over the last week, I've seen so many posts for or against Chick-fil-a and their lack of an antidiscrimination policy that I've grown weary of the whole controversy.  What does it say about our country's understanding of marriage and relationships, when we so quickly rush to get in line behind, of all things, a fast food company that is attempting to define what marriage "should" or "shouldn't" be?  No wonder our divorce rate is so high.   

I figure it's not up to me to decide what is right or wrong for other people.  Frankly, I have enough trouble keeping myself in line.  Therefore, you won't see me taking sides on this issue--at least not the marriage issue.  The way I see it, "traditional" marriage is already a dead institution.  The divorce rate between heterosexuals in this country exceeds the marriage rate.  More kids come from split families than intact ones.  Many of the  people I know only stay together for convenience.  Adultry is America's favorite pass-time, it seems.  South Carolina, in particular,  has one of the highest domestic violence rates in the country.  Considering what marriage "is" in America, I really can't understand what the Conservatives are trying to "protect" or why gay people want the right to such misery. 

Still though, I really have come to hate Chick-Fil-A, and for much better reasons than their CEO's beliefs on marriage.  If you still  haven't picked sides on this issue, but want to join the ranks of CFA haters across America, here are some much better reasons to avoid the fast food chain than their apparent intolerance of people who are un-white, un-heterosexual, un-religious or just plain 'different'.


1.  All the people who work there are WAY too cheery to be human.  I have come to believe that CFA hires its employess from another planet, or perhaps from a cloning factory.  At my local CFA, all the employees have a permanent smile plastered across their fake little faces and the crew looks hand-picked for a TV commercial.  There's the red headed freckled girl with a braided ponytail, they grey-haired, overweight manager, and some pimply guys who have freakishly straight teeth that their adolescent faces haven't quite grown into yet, and one or two other girls (usually blond) who are far to eager to take my order.  We all know, no matter how old or young you are, no one is THAT happy to be working at a fast food joint.  I know that it isn't really their pleasure to serve me at the window--they were told to say that to everyone and they do it because they are DRONES! 

2.  Too Much Freaking ICE!!!  Ever gone through the CFA drive-thru for a Coke on a hot day?  Chances are, if you did, you didn't get your thirst quenched.  Turns out, you get the same amount of ice in your drink whether you order a super large cup that won't fit into your cup-holder, or a small cup.  The last time I got a drink there, I couldn't even get the straw into the cup because there was so much ice.  I think I took two sips before my drink was gone.  Then they give you those dry-ass sandwiches to eat--which if you forget to ask for mayo, aren't going down easy.

3.  Closed On Sunday.  How many times have you said to yourself, "I think I'd like some CFA today, " then driven all the way there only to realize it's Sunday and they're closed?  I understand this is something the company likes to boast about, but really?  It's fried chicken, isn't it?  And what do ALL Southerner's like to eat on Sunday after church?  That's right, fried chicken.  It seems to me that CFA lacks common sense on this one. Besides that, maybe they could afford to actually give you enough Coke to wash down that sandwich if they didn't short themselves financially by not selling any food on Sundays.  Maybe their prices could also be a little more in the fast food range as well, which leads me to my next point.

4.  It's too darned expensive.  It might be the trendy place to go, and their claim of being the creator of the chicken sandwich might be true, but it's still just fried chicken and french fries.  Weird-ass french fries, but fried potatoes just the same.  So why would I go to CFA and pay $6.00 for a sandwich with nothing on it but a piece of fried chicken and some pickles with a side of WAFFLE fries and two sips of Coke from a Styrofoam cup? 

5.  They still use Styrofoam cups.  My guess is that Mr. Cathy also is not a believer in global warming or in taking responsibility for the planet for which God gave us the honor of tending.  As far as I know, CFA is one of the only fast food franchises that still uses Styrofoam products.  

6.  Waffle Fries.  Are they fries, or waffles?  Both?  The only thing I know for sure, is they're hard to dip in ketchup, and they're usually quite soggy.  The rest just mystifies me.  Like, how do they cut them like that?  I have actually spent several minutes at a time pondering how they get them cut with those little holes in them.  I can't think about it too long though, because it hurts my head, and frankly, when I'm eating fries, I don't want to be caught up in unraveling the mysteries of the Universe. 

7.  Really Sucky Kid's Meal Toys.  Need I say more?  They are always giving out some kind of cards or boring story books with some kind of moral message in them.  I don't know if you remember being a kid or not, but I do. I know for a fact I would have been one pissed off little kid, had I opened my kid's meal to find a plastic ring with cardboard cut-outs of leaves that I was supposed to learn to identify.  I wanted something plastic and colorful--preferably something that made a lot of noise so I could bother my sisters and my parents with it. 

8.  They are SLOW.  I confess, I have tried to go to CFA a few times around noon.  However, I have never been successful because the drivethru line usually circles all the way around the building and down the adjoining street, blocking traffic for half a mile because the happy folks at the drive thru window are so damned blissful that they don't realize other people are in a freaking hurry. 

9.  It's a Chicken Sandwich With Pickles.  I really don't get the hoopla about a freaking fried chicken breast on a bun with two pickles.  Maybe my tastes are a little more refined than some others, but I think I'm pretty average.  I can't figure out how this company has been so successful when the star of their menu is a chicken and pickle sandwich.  I know they have other kinds of chicken sandwiches and chicken nuggets and blah blah blah...but it is still all chicken.  CHICKEN, people--not mannah and quail rained down straight from heaven with the blessing of God just because CFA is closed on Sunday.

10.  The Name.  I guess it's no wonder they got FRENCH fries wrong, when you consider that they don't even respect the French language.  Isn't it supposed to be a fillet of chicken sandwich?  Or a chicken fillet on a sandwich?  My sister used to read the sign exactly as it is written--"Chick Fill Uh"  This was before I could read, and I used to wonder, "Chick fill a what?"  It's quite like an incomplete sentence when you think about it.  And really, that "C" on the cup doesn't look that much like a chicken either. 

So there you go.  Even if you agree with the non-gay policy of CFA, you can still find a good reason to avoid eating there if you try hard enough.  I say eat Chick-Fil-A on August 1 only if you want to, but not because you feel you should just to support Mr. Cathy's right to free speech.  For some of us out here, Chick-Fil-A's opinions on marriage and discrimination are unimportant.  But one thing is for sure, no matter what your beliefs, no one deserves to endure the punishment of waiting in line all day for a chicken and pickle sandwich, an order of soggy weird fries and a cup full of ice.  I'm just sayin'....