7 People No One Wants To Be

1. You don't want to be Debbie Downer.  You know the type, right?  They can be male or female, and they simply cannot find a silver lining to any cloud whatsoever.  Even when GOOD things happen to them, they find the bad element to harp on.  They win the lottery, but instead of being thrilled about winning all that money, they complain and complain about the taxes they had to pay, or the fact that people want them to donate to charity, or the fact that their mom needs an operation and expects them to help pay for it.  Or maybe they lose 50 pounds, but instead of being happy with their new, thinner size, they complain that their clothes are too big.  Throw Debbie a surprise party for her birthday and she'll be upset that she wasn't prepared for it, forget her birthday and she's convinced you hate her.  There's no making her happy, so don't even try.

2.  You don't want to be Ignorant Jim-Bob.  This is the guy who swallows down every ounce of pro-gun, anti-gay, racist propaganda anyone tries to feed him.  Throw in the words "conspiracy" and "liberal" and you've got him, hook line and sinker.  He will spout statistics he can't back up, and when that fails to make his point, he will take some Biblical scripture out of context to make his point.  He will argue with a stop sign, and he will frustrate you to no end if you try to engage him in rational conversation.  Save yourself the trouble, there's no use trying to reason with someone who is irrational, much less someone who is an idiot.

3.  You don't want to be Ass-Kisser Annie.  These are people who get where they're going in life by sucking up.  Brown nosing.  Kissing ass.  Often they do their jobs very poorly, because they aren't actually qualified for them.  They didn't get promoted or hired because of their qualifications, they just happened to kiss the ass of the most narcissistic manager they could find--and they show promise in their ability to continue to kiss ass once they're hired/promoted.  Eventually everyone who works as an equal with, or works for this person starts to hate them on some level.  Mostly out of frustration, because they see someone screwing up a job they could do better--except for the sucking up part.

Ms. Bitter

4.  You don't want to be Mr. or Ms. Bitter.  Everyone has relationships that go sour.  Lord knows, I've had my share.  I could be bitter-okay, I still have days when I am bitter, but in general, I'm a pretty laid back, easy going gal, so I refuse to let the actions of a few rotten men turn me into a shriveled up angry husk of a being.  No one likes hearing your story of betrayal over and over and over again.  Women don't want to be lumped in the same category as your whorish cheating ex girlfriend, nor do all men want to be referred to under such terms.  Life is what it is.  Some people are shitty--male and female.  Just don't become one of them.

5. You don't want to be Mr. or Mrs. Half-Ass.  Everyone likes to cut corners now and then, but if your name is going to be attached to a project or a task, do it as well as you are able.  What if your surgeon got you half-way sewn up after a surgery and then decided, "Oh well, that's good enough."  Good enough for him maybe, but what about you?  Sometimes good enough will do, other times, it just makes you look like a lazy slob.  Learn to know the difference between those times.

6.  You don't want to be a Judgmental Jerk.  You know who I'm talking about.  It's your girlfriend who makes comments about everyone else's weight--even people she doesn't know.  It's your uncle who decides that all Catholics are going straight to Hell, or someone else you know who says single moms get what they ask for when they are trying to raise a child without its father.  These are people who haven't a clue what it means to be empathetic.  They know for sure, that their way of living and being and doing is the RIGHT way, and it's the ONLY right way.  If you're different from them, you're wrong.  So what if you take medication that makes you fat?  So what if your crappy husband took off with the cleaning lady from his job?  You are still wrong.  And you're likely going to Hell.

Procrastinator

7.  You don't want to be me.  Heck, half the time I don't even want to be me.  Why? You ask.  You seem like a really cool chick, you say.  And you're right.  But I also sit around thinking of things like "7 People No One Wants To Be" and then I spend twenty minutes typing about it.  Are there other, more constructive things I could do with my time?  Yes.  Yes there are.  The problem is, I am one of the people you don't want to be because I am a Procrastinator.

Which is why there's no Number 8.  I'll get to that later.

Fire

     "Are you gonna pass that, or what?" He asked in that smart-ass tone of his.
      "Sorry," she said. Then she took another long toke before handing it over. She knew that would piss him off. Lately, she got more pleasure from making him annoyed than she got from having sex with him. He took his turn and then tried to pass it back to her, but she was done.
      She was done in so many ways. The clarity of thought that settled over her as the marijuana closed down the anxious parts of her mind was giving her the courage to tell him she was finished with this. Even when she was high though, she couldn't look into those sky blue eyes of his and be brave. Something about them, the coldness of their color, or maybe even the coldness that radiated through them from inside him was intimidating to her, so she wrapped her arms around herself and said, "It's cold out here."
      They were sitting in the back yard by a little fire they had built together. The frigid winter air swirled around them, chilling their backs while the fire roasted their cheeks. The dog whimpered at a squirrel before he gave a heavy sigh and settled down at her feet in front of the fire. Even the dog seemed to know that something besides the smoke from their fire was making it hard to breathe.
      It seemed like a long time passed before anyone spoke again, but then, the weed sort of messes with a person's perception of time, so it could have only been a moment. She kept sitting there looking for words to say but nothing came to her. What do you say when everything has already been said?
      "I'm thinking about going to Montana for the summer," he said.
      "Montana? What's in Montana?"
      "A ranch. I think I'm going to go out there and work for the summer."
      "Oh."
      They both kept staring into the fire, as if the other weren't even there but she wanted to check out his expression.  She felt like he was looking for some sort of reaction from her but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
      "That would be a great thing for you, Babe," she said, enthusiastically.
      "You mean you don't care if I go away for two months?"
      "I didn't say that. But if you want to go, you should go."
      "So it doesn't bother you?"
      "I guess I'm not happy about not seeing you for two months, but I mean, what can I say? If you want to go you're going to go so I might as well be supportive."
      She picked up a stick and poked at the fire. Who was he anyway, to bring up something like that just to get a rise out of her? She knew this was another one of his wicked tricks. One of his hoops that he held up to see if she would jump through it. Not this time.
      "I'm going to go watch some TV," he announced abruptly as he tossed the the roach into the fire. "You comin' in?"
      "I'll be in in a bit. I want to sit by the fire a little longer. The dog can stay with me."
      She sat there for a long time, watching the fire morph from one shade of orange to the next, her eyes burning from the smoke so badly that she couldn't tell if she was crying or not. "Sooner or later they all disappoint you," she said to the dog. He looked up at her as if he understood.
         Over head the stars dotted the night sky the way her freckles had dotted her face when she was a girl. A person can feel so small, she thought, when they look up and see how vast the sky really is. She wondered if she really mattered to anyone at all--she knew she didn't matter to him. She wondered why it was, that even though she had so many people in her life, she couldn't help but feel horrible about herself because this ONE person didn't see her worth.
      As the fire died down the air wrapped around her, getting colder and colder, until finally even the dog was shivering. She stirred the embers one last time and called the dog to follow her in. Her man met her at the back door, crooked grin applied to his lips, and stepped aside as she walked in. It was that evil grin he couldn't hide when he was getting pleasure from her pain. She came so close to telling him to just leave. To leave and never come back. But he half-heartedly hugged her and she made the mistake of looking up into his cold blue eyes as she pulled away. The decision was made, but the words would have to come another day.

Wish You Were Here

Out There

The thing about sleeping with the window open is, the air just smells better. Not to mention how much cooler the room is, because even though its January, it's hotter than blazes in here. South Carolina has never understood winter.

The other thing about sleeping with the window open is the sound of the train. Sometimes it's so loud the whistle makes its way into my dreams as an alarm or an airplane about to crash. It rarely plays the role of itself in my nocturnal dramas. I like to listen to it as I fall asleep. It makes me feel like a kid again, back in my old bedroom with my sister sleeping in the next bed. When I close my eyes and smell the cool breeze drifting through the open window, I almost feel small as an eight year-old, curled up in a ball under my blankets.

When I was a kid, the train rolling through Liberty at night made me wonder about far away places. I knew nothing of any place other than our small town. I watched in amazement whenever we had to stop for the train to pass through on our way to Winn-Dixie or to school. I counted the cars and wondered what was in them. I wondered if hobos were real.

Our preacher loved talking about The Second Coming. Of Jesus, of course. He talked about The Trumpet sounding, the dead rising, hearing The Lord call our names and all of us who were Saved would be transported through the sky right up to heaven. This Rapture he spoke of was supposedly a good thing, but I was too worried about being one of the Lost. Worried that I might hear the trumpet but not my name. Many times in my childhood I awoke in terror to the sound of the train roaring through town, whistle blasting, thinking I was hearing The Trumpet. Even then, the train became something else to me in my dreams.

The thing about having the window open though, is it makes the sheets cooler, and I really like stretching out my legs so my toes can find the coolest spot between them. When I wake up in the morning, the covers feel a little damp, almost like dew has fallen on them while I was sleeping. I want to curl up and stay in bed but Out There is calling so I have to get up and close the window. It's a shame to leave my little pocket of fresh air--my safe-place where I only have to let Out There in a little bit at a time.

I shower and dress--put on my disguise. I look at myself in the mirror by the front door one more time before I reach for the lock. It's a good-enough costume, I suppose, for a girl who is just trying to look as if she belongs Out There.

The air isn't the same when there's so much of it. Then there's all the light and the noise. Neighbors to wave to, cars to watch out for, red lights to wait at. NPR is talking about the Fiscal Cliff again, and I shake my head because I know it's all just bullshit. The car gets too hot, then too cold. Someone is texting me about work already but I'm driving so I can't answer. I don't want to answer anyway.

Dragging myself out of bed took too long and now I'm late. I try to weave through the minivans and SUVs coming from school but they have me trapped and the next thing I know, I hear it. That familiar "ding ding ding ding ding!" Just before the arm falls and I'm stuck waiting for the train to pass. Oh how I wish I could be on it--just to see all the places it passes through--to see what's at the end of the line!

But the car behind me honks and I startle out of my daydream. The train has passed. It kept its course and kept good time and now I must do the same.

Really Cool Things About Being A Kid (That we forget once we grow up)

I'm at home with my sickly boy today. I gave him Tylenol a few minutes ago, and now he's quietly playing with action figures in the living room floor. I think he's having a growth spurt on top of being under the weather. Watching him play and thinking of how quickly he is growing, I can't help but feel a little tinge if regret for all the wonderful things about childhood I have forgotten since becoming an adult. Here are some of the coolest things about being a kid that most people completely forget once they're grown:

1. How it feels to grow taller. This has got to be one of the coolest experiences of childhood, but how many people really give it a second thought? Kids grow. It's what they do. But just think how awesome it would be to wake up at 30 with leg cramps and then realize two days later that all your pants are too short becauseu you grew 2 inches! I, personally would be thrilled! I wish I could remember how it felt to get taller and taller, but alas, the memory escapes me.
2. How to create alternate realities by using a different voice, changing your name, or shrinking yourself to the size of an action figure and getting lost in your own story line of super heroes vs. villains!
3. Fitting into really small spaces.
4. Eating whatever you want without worrying about high cholesterol, or.your figure.
5. Apparently, when you're 6, poop is hilarious. Not so much when you're a grown up.
6. It's okay to fall asleep anywhere at any time and no one thinks badly of you for it. In fact, everyone thinks its adorable.
7. Playing. I don't mean golf or video games. I mean running wildly, climbing with abandon, skipping joyfully and falling down often. I mean making up the game as you go, making friends everywhere you go just so you have someone to play with, being so tired you can't stand yourself and still wanting to PLAY!!!
8. Christmas morning.
9. Snuggling up on the couch with your mommy when you're sick.
10. Always having someone around who knows more about the world than you do--and being able to ask them questions about anything at any time.
11. Making up the words to songs when you don't know the real words and wouldn't understand what they meant, even if you did know them.
12. Recess! Ah, recess, that few minutes in the day when you let loose and PLAY! When you forget about math and reading and just BE a kid. The closest thing we get to recess as adults is the lunch break--where we work while we eat or talk about work while we eat.
13. Not knowing that "sh*t" is a bad word, and saying it to a stranger--then experiencing the thrill of having shocked a grown up you don't know and embarrassing your mom at the same time.
14. Being able to tell grown ups when their breath stinks, when they're too fat, or that they are very wrinkly, and having them not get angry at you for speaking the truth.
15. Cartoons! Mindless funniness, complete with mini explosions, gravity defying stunts, impossible plots by evil bunnies or ducks or chickens to take over the world! A sponge that talks and blows really cool bubbles, and who has campfires under water...who needs reality TV when you can watch Sponge Bob??

How to Cut Corners and Save Time: The Art of Being A Slacker

It's Monday morning, and as I sit here waiting for my name to be called at my doctor's office, I can't help but wonder: is there some way I could use this time less efficiently? I mean, so far I have checked emails, looked up statistics on SC's domestic violence rates, and posted on Facebook twice. All this has served to do is stress me out, though, so now I'm thinking, why did I do all that??

In an effort to simplify my life, and to help you simplify yours, I've come up (in the last five minutes) with 5 ways to cut corners and save time--so you can do a lot more of what you actually WANT to do. Which is nothing.

1. Be late. That's right, don't be absent, that makes you look lazy, but if you're late, you seem busy and who is going to think badly of someone who has so much on her plate that she can't be on time? Lateness can give you more time to do nothing because you have all that "nothing" time when you should have been "there" doing "something". For instance, my co-worker is kindly filling Infor me this morning while I sit here in my doctor's office writing this post...which is pretty much the same as doing nothing.

2. Leave it for someone else. My children learned this one early. Don't want to wash those dishes? Let them pile up in the sink. Sooner or later, someone will need a fork, glass and plate all at the same time. Then they will take care of the dishes and you just saved yourself 15 minutes of time that you would have otherwise spent loading the dishwasher. Same goes for laundry, garbage and toys on the floor. Eventually someone's going to step on a Lego and end the stale mate.

3. Half-ass it. Use duct tape whenever possible. Just make a pathway to the kitchen and bathroom. Pull the comforter over the bed, but don't bother smoothing out the sheets. Learn to be content with, "good enough."

4. Wait until the last minute to plan parties and events. Most everything can be planned and thrown together in an hour or less. Why waste all that time doing stuff like making phone calls, sending invitations, and ordering supplies weeks or months ahead of time? Besides, the longer you wait to invite people, the fewer guests you'll have, and that's less work for YOU!

5. Go off-radar. Don't answer your phone or emails. Don't respond to texts. Don't check Facebook. How can anyone ask you to do something if they can't reach you because you're so busy doing nothing?

I hope you find these tips helpful. I know I will consider using them more in the near future. For now though, my nothing time is up. Time to go visit with my Doc.

Happy Monday, y'all!

Nancy Grace Enters Glamour Shots Competition: Loses to Grandma with Bigger Handcuffs

Legal commentator, Nancy Grace was irate last Friday, after losing the Glamour Shots Dominatrix of the Year competition in her hometown of Macon Georgia.  Grace was overheard stating that "There wasn't nobody in Georgia better with a whip than her, so Grandma just needs to get over herself."

The winner of the competition, Mildred Nesbitt of Norcross Georgia was excited about her victory.  "It's not every day you get to meet someone like Nancy Grace, but to beat her in a Glamour Shots competition?  It's unheard of!"  When asked what she would do with the prize money, Mildred broke down into tears and said she was planning to use the money to help get her son off death row.  "I know he murdered those poor women, but he's a sweet boy. Really he is."

We asked Nancy Grace what she thought of Mildred's plan to use the prize money to have a prisoner released from death row.  "People like Mildred Nesbitt are what's wrong with this country," she stated as she ripped off her handcuff necklace and threw her barrette at a cameraman before storming out of the room.

Grace has still not abandoned her dream of becoming Americas most beloved Dominatrix.  She can still be seen in her leather and handcuff ensemble on her new show, Nancy Grace Mysteries on HLN every Friday at 8:00 pm.

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