I haven't seen him since February. Before that, I hadn't heard from him since maybe March of the year before. He is like some sneaky ghost from the past that keeps popping up when I least expect him, hinting at things he should leave alone. I try to deflect the comments. I try to remain unaffected by his approach, but despite all I do, I end up giving him the attention he wants...mostly.
When I got that email from him out of the blue about going to The Punchline in Atlanta with him, I was shocked. I really had put the thought of him behind me and was satisfied to leave him in the past. Still, I merely had an "arrangement" with "the other guy" and I wondered what it would be like to see him again. Would I still feel the same way? Would we have as much fun together as we used to? What harm could it do?
So, I went. We drove down together in my sister's truck, catching up on each other's lives. I strategically left out the parts I knew he wouldn't want to hear. I suspect he did the same. Still, we had a great time that night, laughing together, riding back up together, listening to the music we both enjoyed. We got back late, and I went in with him for a minute before I headed home. It was awkward, detached but kind of familiar and safe too. It's hard to explain.
Anyway, here he is again, popping up on my phone at midnight, flirting--asking to see me. I said something to the effect of, "Sure. We should get together every year or two, have a drink and see what happens." He didn't think it was funny.
He wants to know did I ever think he might be ready now?
Ready for what, I wanted to know.
"To kill myself I guess."
"That's kind of drastic. You should just get a girlfriend."
Again, he missed the joke.
The odd thing is, after I bought my car the other day and finally had a CD player again, I ran into the house to find a CD to listen to on my way to work. The only one I could find? Slash. The one he burned for me at his house one Sunday afternoon.
I remember so well, one of the songs. It is my favorite one on the CD, and the one he referred to the last time he decided to vanish. Maybe he was trying to tell me that someday he would make things right with me, but I never believed him. I suppose I still don't.
You can't make something right tomorrow, if tomorrow is an unspecified amount of time in the future. Especially since my future is not going to be very extensive. Tomorrow isn't worth much to someone who has to live in Today.
Still, I like the song and I listened to it again today, very loudly on my way home. Will I give in and see him this weekend? Not likely. Do I kind of want to, just out of curiosity? Hell yes. But curiosity killed the cat, and I'm supposed to die from something else, so I'm going to leave this one alone.
