"Where'd you get that necklace." I whispered to myself as I got ready for work one morning. I looked at myself in he mirror with my new bold three tiered necklace on, anticipating the comments I'd get about it throughout the day. Slowly, as I put on my makeup, curled my hair, I began to realize that I am so often critiqued on my appearance that I've come to anticipate the comments other people are going to make about me every single day. I rarely leave home without someone in the course of my day making a comment about how I look. This has been the case for most of my adult life.
Years ago when I was younger, women voiced their opinions of my clothing choices the most. They'd say, "That blouse is too low-cut" or "Why do you wear such short skirts?" My skirts were never super short, and I usually wore them with tights underneath, so I never understood their concerns with how I dressed. I started making snarky comments back to them when they'd comment that my boobs were showing too much or that my skirts were too short. I played it off like a joke, but it did bother me sometimes. Still, I never let the opinions of others change how I chose to dress, wear my makeup (or not) or fix my hair. Oh yeah, I got harassed for coloring my hair, for not coloring my hair. Got the "Why'd you chop all your hair off?" question when I'd cut it short, and the "Your hair looks so much better short" when I'd grow it long. There were comments about my being too skinny or too "thick" or about my legs being to muscular when I used to run.
Now that I'm older, the comments come mostly from men. I hear, "What happened to your hair?" when I wear it a different way. "What'd you do to your leg?" When I have a bruise that I don't even know I have. "You look tired." I hear that one a lot. Comments on my clothing choices, "Why are you so dressed up today?" Comments when I'm not dressed up, comments about my shoes, "Those are some weird shoes you've got on today!" Comments about my makeup, "Your lips look like a monkey's butt with that stuff on em." The comments always begin with "You look like" or "Where'd you get that..." or "What'd you do to...?" Of course there are still people who graciously compliment my wardrobe from time to time, or ask me where I bought something because they're genuinely interested in it. But for the most part, the comments I get are very negative in a backhanded kind of way.
What I've realized is that as a society, people think it is perfectly normal for a woman to be scrutinized on her appearance; heck, we should expect it! That's why, as we're getting ready for work or a night out or to go to a wedding or even a funeral, we stress over what to wear, how to our makeup, how to fix our hair. We obsess over our diets and our weight. We live our lives anticipating that next little bit of criticism in the form of a backwards compliment or snarky comment. I, for one, am sick of it.
I'm sick of someone interrupting my day to ask me how I got a bruise on the back of my calf. Sick to death of hearing how "tired" I look. I've completely had it with the comments about my hair, my weight, my shoes. I am done hearing things like, "You're holding up pretty well for you age." I'm not talking about someone who says, "I like your nail polish." Or "That is a cute outfit on you." I'm talking about the comments, mostly from males, who think they're doing me a favor by pointing out what I'm doing wrong with my appearance. Males who are overweight, have bad breath, are balding and have no social skills whatsoever, telling ME what I'm doing wrong.
I'm tired of the mental battle I go through every morning when I'm getting ready--that feeling of dread at hearing what someone has to say about how I look today. I'm tired of anticipating their comments and deciding what comeback to use, and then not having the courage to say it when the time comes.
I doubt if I'm alone in this. I bet there are plenty of other women out there who deal with this crap daily. I don't know what I can do to change it. Maybe I should just tell people I don't need to hear their opinions of how I look. Maybe I should criticize them back--point out their flaws so they know what's "wrong" with them too. Maybe I should ask them what makes them think they should feel so entitled to tell me how I should look.
I swear, the next time someone says, "You look tired." I'm going to say, "You look old." or "You look fat." or "You look like a moron." Maybe that'll shut them up?
It's sad that we've created a society that keeps women under a microscope. We are examined in minute detail by perfect strangers who then feel compelled to offer their unsolicited opinions of us, based solely on what they see on the outside. They know nothing about who we are, we are just objects that are expected to look and behave a certain way. We are supposed to always be aesthetically pleasing to the opposite sex, but not so much so that we offend our same-sex peers.
There is no way to win, y'all.
So my best advice to me and to you is this: Be who you are. Wear what you want to wear. Groom yourself in whatever way makes you feel good and ignore the critics. Most of all, don't become a critic yourself because the more you notice the flaws of others, the more aware you'll become of your own flaws. We are not our flaws. We are not the clothes we wear or the color of our hair. We are so much more than ornamental pieces that decorate the world for others. Always remember that. Always just be you.
