The Right To Choose

Y'all, the world isn't falling apart, I promise.  I know it seems bleak--what some see as protests others see as riots.  What some see as personal responsibility, others see as a violation of their personal rights.  Some claim to not see color, even though our world is endowed with every shade imaginable.  Others see color before all else, and judge it as good or bad based solely on internalized misperceptions.  None of these things are new.  None of them mean the end of the world is at hand.

A few weekends ago a friend of mine posted a video on Facebook and one thing she said stuck in my mind.  Basically, she said that for a lot of people under 50, the COVID-19 crisis and the current civil unrest between races is likely the first major life challenge they've faced.  In light of that, I think those of us who have gone through significant trials owe the younger generations some grace.  I think about my own life and the way I responded to the seemingly insurmountable problems I had to overcome as a younger me.  I didn't always act with decorum, didn't always take the high road, didn't always know exactly what to do or how to feel or even where to place the anger and frustration that comes with change.

And that's what all of this is, by the way.  It's change in progress.

Lately, during all the staying at home, I've picked up my guitar again and started practicing in earnest.  I learned a few chords years ago but never stuck with it much.  This time, I vowed I would learn some actual songs that I enjoy, and so far I've done okay.  I'm not ready for a concert or anything, but I get a sense of peace and even connection to people I loved and lost.  People like my father and my uncle Maurice.  I sit with my guitar at times, strumming random chords, trying to think of THAT song--the one I want to play and sing from the depths of my heart, but it never comes to me.  It feels like something I once knew but have forgotten.  While my mind reaches and reaches for it, I spiral deeper into myself, past myself, to the esseence of who made me what I am now.  Still, the song remains hidden.  Tonight I remembered all the spiral notebooks that were bequeathed to me by a family member after my uncle passed away.  The notebooks are weathered with time, hundrededs of pages of neatly written lyrics in pencil and pen, some with chords scribbled above the words.  They are filled with songs that resonated with him in some way--songs that found a home deep in his heart, and made him sit for hours scribbling lyirics on lined notebook paper.  I went in search of those books hoping that somewhere in them, I'd find that song for myself.  I had no luck finding them.  I know they're here, but to find them I would need to tackle my storage room.  I'm not ready for that.

See, we moved here three days before Chrsitmas last year.  Three months later COVID-19 hit, and my job and life became very compicated.  I am not a stranger to complication, so for the most part I've taken it it stride, but I know my limits and digging into that storage room is something that would stretch me beyond them very quickly.  It's cluttered, dark, disorganized, full of unpacked boxes and things I intend to give away or donate to charity.  If someone forced me to unpack everything in there I might find myself struggling to make sense of it all, even though I would probably also find treasures, like my uncle's notebooks packed away in a box.  

That's how change often works though, isn't it?  It comes when you're not expecting it, when you dont't want it or you're not ready for it.  It's messy and it seems nonsensical and disorganized.  We have a hard time processing it, making sense of it,  discerning the garbage from the truth.  This stuff is never easy.  

One of these days, I'll find myself neck deep in the pile of stuff from that storage room because I'll go in search of one little thing that lies buried in the clutter.  My search for some object of meaning to me is not unike what is happening to us now as a country.  We are looking for that rare quality that makes us a nation undivided but in the process we are unable to look away from the ugliness and messiness of the past and the present.  How we choose to use or discard the stuff we find inside ourselves through this process will ultimately define who we are, deep inside.  It will either bring out that long-lost song that we've yet to find, or extinquish the spark of humanity that longs to burn bright in us all.  

I hope you, my friends, find your song and fan the flames of love, peace, acceptance, and liberty that longs to light your way.

Every One Struggles With Something...

Struggle is relative.  I realize this.  Still, recently I find myself having little sympathy for the kinds of struggles about which I hear people complaining.  Sure, we all need hair cuts.  My feet could seriously use a pedicure.  I'd love to shop for Spring clothes and wear makeup to work, instead of a mask and face shield all day.  For now though, those are our realities and they are realities we all have to endure together.  We can either accept them or try to fight against them, but either way, the virus COVID-19 will not relent.  It cares not about your opinion.

Until now I suppose I never realized how many people in the world have never actually dealt with struggle or uncertainty.  It became part of my life while I was relatively young, so struggle and uncertainty joined the bandwagon with me as I traversed through all the stages of my life.  For years I lived witht he threat of impending renal failure, so when it finally happened, my doctors were surprised at "how well" I took the news.   I explained to one of them that being surprised that my kidneys had failed would be akin to being surprised you're having a baby after you've been pregnant for nine months. I expected it, it happened, I adapted.

But unexpected changes happen too, and I expect to some degree we all experience that.  Job losses, breakups, deaths of loved ones all take us on a ride of unknown self exploration.  I've lived through those types of things too.  I had a friend who unexpectedly committed suicide.  I lost my parents.  I've lost my material goods, like my home and livelihood.  Some of those things you recover from; you can always make more money and buy another house.  Other things, you seem to spend  a lifetime trying to comprehend.  Like why would a 27 year old take his own life?  There's just not an acceptable answer to that one.

Globally, COVID-19 seems to have thrown a lot of people for a loop.  Adapt, Improvise, Overcome are concepts lost on today's society.  Our inability to band together to help one another has been magnified by this pandemic.  When I was jobless a year ago, I had to resort to finding odd jobs to make ends meet while I looked for work.  A few people pitched in to help me out, threw work my way, etc...One employer had me do hours and hours of work for her but never paid me a dime.  I sold a car to a friend who was in a pinch, offering to let her make payments to me for it.  She ended up only paying me the inital two hundred dollars.  Let's be honest, many, many people are selfish, and that selfishness is blatantly evident throughout this pandemic.

People are out of sorts about wearing masks because they're uncomfortable.  They are "tired of staying home."  They're worried about the infringements on their civil rights.  I've always been a firm beliver in basic human rights to make choices for ourselves that are right for us.  I've also always been a firm believer in considering the rights of others as well.  For instance, if you want to own a dog that barks, that's your perogative, but if your dog barks all night and keeps me awake, your rights have officially infringed upon my right to have a good night's sleep.  Likewise, your refusal to wear a mask in a public place infringes on MY right to stay healthy and NOT DIE froom COVID-19.

Don't mistake my post for something political.  It is not.  I believe strongly in medical science.  Medical science keeps me alive and has done so for 8 years so far.  Medical science will no doubt keep you alive at some point in your life.  This has nothing to do with conspiracy theories or who gets voted president.  It's about doing the right thing with respect to human life.  You cannot call yourself pro-life if you are okay with sacrificing the vulnerable and the elderly to this disease in order to cultivate "herd immunity."

And if you go out in public without taking precautions, you risk your health and the health of those you love.  As someone who lives with a disease over which I have no control, I can tell you that you are a fool to risk your health over a disease that you could avoid getting by practicing social distancing, wearing PPE and using good hygiene skills.  It's that easy.  Learn to be content at home.  Learn to enjoy your own company. Learn to respect life--not just yours but everyone else's too.


And if you are going to spend a day praying, pray that God will give you compassion for others, because that seeems to be what society lacks the most these days.

From now on let the politicians hash out their differences and listen instead to what the health experts are telling us about this disease.  My life, the lives of people I love, and the lives of people YOU love depend on our ability to lay politics aside and listen to common sense from people who know what they're talking about.  This isn't about who is right or wrong from the political spectrum, it's about saving lives and sparing people from an illness they don't have to endure.  Can't we agree, at least, on that?