Jon Brown was my first professor of Social Work. He was a short man with thin white hair that neatly framed his round face so perfectly that he could have easily been a news anchor. Instead, he stood humbly in front of our tiny classroom and talked about things like toothaches.
"When you have a toothache," he explained, "It's difficult to really care about someone else's toothache."
It's a metaphor that has stuck with me through the years. It is one that I often have to remind myself of when, on days like today, I am struggling to find that place of empathy that I need to be in. I'm overwhelmed with my own troubles and even though I know others around me are struggling too, I can't seem to really identify with them.
I feel out of place. I've never been very comfortable with life when seemingly everything is in limbo. Now though, everything is so unsettled that the word "limbo" falls far too short in describing the level of discord that I find swirling around me. I wake up every morning in a bed that isn't mine beside a man who seems bewildered by the fact that I'm there. What clothes I have with me are in a pile on top of a dresser in my son's room--or what we call his room for now. I take a shower and carefully mark every movement I make to be sure that every item I use gets put back in exactly the same spot it came from. I keep my cosmetics in a bag that I try to hide away in a cabinet when I'm done with them; it seems as though keeping myself as inconspicuous as possible has become my number one goal lately. I try to be as invisible as possible, and yet I still end up feeling intrusive. I've never felt so sick over a dish being left in the sink, or about using too many towels or wearing too many shirts in one week. I try so hard to keep everything exactly as it would be if I weren't even there, but the reality is, I am there and it's nigh unto impossible to hide myself away so completely that there isn't a sign of my existence anywhere, even when I'm away. I find a necklace of mine lying on the bathroom sink and I scold myself for not hiding it away with my other things. I realize I've been leaving my toothbrush out--I hadn't meant to do that. I try so hard to not leave my things in sight, but inevitably I forget something, and there I am, glaring up at him from the coffee table in the form of a pen or a hair clip or a scribbled note.
I suppose it would be easy to mistake my inner turmoil for a lack of gratefulness, but that isn't it at all. If anything, it's my gratitude that seems to be holing me hostage. After so many years of opening my door, my heart and my home to other people, I'm finding myself on the other side of the fence and I'm really not sure what to make of it. On a certain level I feel like a pathetic loser--someone who couldn't even manage the very basic task of keeping a stable roof over her head. On the other hand, I feel so cared for. It's hard for me to accept such a conflicting view of myself, but I am both these things and lately, nothing more.
I guess I'm in what Jon Brown would have called "The Mud Puddle." It's when you find yourself at a low place in life and instead of just jumping up and brushing yourself off, you feel the need to just sit there a while in the mud getting thoroughly marred up in it until you can't even see where you end and the puddle begins. I wish I could be invisibly camouflaged in my puddle of failure and confusion, but no matter how hard I try to disappear, I keep getting found out.
The truth is, change is hard for everyone. I know my son is struggling with the newness in our world. I know my presence and his presence have created an upheaval around the house where once a man and a dog peacefully co-existed in their perfect little world together. In my head I know that I'm not the only one who is feeling the challenge of adapting to change, but it isn't always easy to look past my own struggle and appreciate the struggles of those I love.
The truth, is that change is never easy. Loss is never simple, and learning to be at peace with a world that seems to not want you in it can feel damn near impossible. The truth is that accepting your inadequacies, realizing that your presence doesn't necessarily make anyone's life particularly better, learning that dutiful friendship often trumps true affection and incorporating all those harsh realities into who you're becoming is discouraging, daunting and truly overwhelming at times.
The truth is, toothaches and mud puddles are not very helpful in the process of moving forward; but they sure do seem like convenient explanations when you can't figure out what to do or how to feel or where to go next.
The truth: I don't really belong anywhere and until I do, I'm afraid I'm never going to find that feeling of home again.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
In The News
Once in a while I get the urge to rant a little about stuff I keep reading in the news. Lately a few scenarios concerning parents and children seem to keep replaying themselves in the headlines. First of all, the seemingly more common phenomenon of parents who "forget" they have a kid in the back seat of their cars and go in to work all day without ever having that "oh crap!" moment of realizing they forgot to drop the little one off at daycare. Secondly, the ever-growing problem of DSS (and other similar agencies in other states) overstepping their bounds in some cases while completely dropping the ball in others. It seems to me that in both cases, most people are quick to find a stance, either condemning or defending the actions of the parents involved. The problem that I see in the responses of most folks is their lack of consideration for the reasons behind the actions of parents, which in nearly every case are different. We can't really come to solid conclusions on whether or not a parent was neglectful unless we know the motivation behind their actions in every circumstance.
Everyone knows the story of Justin Harris, the Georgia dad who left his son Cooper in his hot car all day while he worked and everyone remembers the first time a story like this hit the headlines a few years ago. On some level, every parent can identify with this happening. We all know how hectic the our mornings can get and how easy it is to operate on auto-pilot sometimes. Some would even argue that the simple change in routine, from mom dropping the baby off at daycare, to dad dropping the baby off just that one time, is enough to throw a parent off track. We have all driven down the road with our minds somewhere else while a little one sleeps, oblivious to our worries, in the back seat. I remember after I had Charlie, it had been so long since we had a baby around that I actually dropped off my two daughters a couple of mornings and headed to work without dropping the him off with the sitter. I didn't get far though, before a thought of my sweet baby popped into my head and I turned back towards Maria's house to drop him off. So, yeah, I can sympathize with a parent who drives all the way to work with a baby in the back seat. I can even understand up to the point that mom or dad gets out of the car and starts to walk in to the building. What I don't get, is how anyone can go for 8 hours or more without remembering their kid is still sitting in the car. In Justin Harris' case, we can be pretty sure Cooper wasn't exactly forgotten. His dad went to the car at lunchtime to leave something in the seat. How would he not have noticed the baby then? Harris seems to be a father who was feeling trapped in his marriage, sexting other women all day while his wife worked and his little boy died a torturous death just outside his office in the family car.
What the hell is wrong with our country when we are so stressed, over-stimulated and distracted that some parents legitimately FORGET they have kids in the car with them and work all day without ever remembering that they didn't drop off the baby at daycare? Is technology to blame? Are we so busy texting, checking Facebook, Tweeting and returning phone calls that we have forgotten what is really important? Are our jobs so stressful and all-consuming that for the whole 8 hours we are at work every day, we don't have a second to think of anything else? The nation has so identified with these parents that our outpouring of sympathy and support for them has seemingly lead to a whole other group of people who decide, for whatever reason, they need to get rid of their child and that leaving them in a hot car is the best way to go about the task. They see other parents getting support from the public and getting little to no legal consequences, so why wouldn't they think the hot car method is a good idea?
Last week there was a local story about a man who left his infant in the car at a Goodwill here in Greenville. He apparently went back to his car after going into the store and tried to pretend the baby was missing, but a Goodwill employee heard the baby crying from inside the car and called the dad on his BS. The dad handed the hot, sweaty vomit-covered baby to the Goodwill employee and someone called the police. Now it seems like we are hearing variations of this story every few days from somewhere in the country.
My point is, whether it is done on purpose or not, any parent who leaves a child in a hot car all day from this point forward needs to face some pretty stiff consequences. Lots of parents make mistakes every day--some of them neglectful in nature. Most, as attested by the many DSS stories in the news, get punished for those mistakes whether or not the parents had malicious intent. I think the best way to stop the hot car deaths of children is to hold parents responsible. Seriously, you have children now and it's your job to remember to take care of them. What if I didn't feed my child all week because I was just so busy and distracted by life that I forgot? I see no difference in the two scenarios. They are both self-absorbed, neglectful behaviors that end up harming the little ones who are counting on us to care for them. Maybe I'm being to rigid in my beliefs here, but I think it's pretty pathetic when we have to come up with inventions like a rope across the door of our cars to remind us that we have a child in the back seat when remembering our children should be first and foremost on our minds in the first place. It's sad to me that we live in a world with such mixed up priorities and technologically distracted parents who are so stressed out by their jobs that they forget the very reason they work so hard.
In another story today I read about a Georgia mom who was arrested because she left her 9 year old daughter to play alone at a park all day while she was at work. At face value, it looks pretty irresponsible, but the rest of the story makes it a little easier to empathize with this mom. First of all, she works at McDonald's. The same McDonald's that is directly in front of the park where her daughter plays. The child said that she goes to McDonald's for lunch--the same McDonald's where her mom works. She had previously been going to work with her mom and playing on an iPad all day, but the iPad broke and mom couldn't afford to replace it. The kid begged mom to let her play at the park during the day instead of sitting bored out of her mind in McDonald's while her mom worked.
Maybe this mom made a poor decision, but the way I see it, more of the blame for her situation lies with McDonald's than it does with the family. McDonald's is one of the lowest paying employers in the country, despite their massive profits and super-wealthy executives, their employers rarely make a liveable wage. Some have cried that daycare is too expensive, that there's no excuse for leaving 9 year old alone in a park all day, or that the mom could have gotten public assistance to pay for daycare, but I see very few who will speak out and place the blame squarely where it belongs: On the company who doesn't pay a single mom enough to protect and care for her child. Now DSS has the 9 year old child and who knows what kind of foster home she will end up in while they make her mother prove she is worthy enough to raise her. This is a mom who works and tries to provide for her kid. She didn't "forget" her in a hot car. I understand the stress of not being able to find a baby sitter. I know the struggle of trying to bring a kid to work with me every day. I remember what it was like when my girls were 9 years old and constantly trying to convince me they didn't need to be looked after all the time anymore. I'm not saying that this mom did the safest thing, but I am saying I identify with her the way many people identify with the parents who have forgotten their babies in the car all day. I believe she was doing the best she knew how to do considering her circumstances. So where is the public outcry of support for this mother who made the unfortunate mistake of thinking her daughter was safe and happy playing at a park all day instead of staring at the walls in a McDonald's all day? If she had left her kid in the car all day--forbade her to get out and let her suffer in the heat, would the public be rallying around her for forgetting her kid for 8 hours?
Meanwhile in a situation close to me, I am witnessing DSS take a completely irresponsible stance concerning an autistic child who needs placement in a safe environment. He was being raised by his grandmother, who after testing positive for methamphetamine, temporarily lost custody. DSS always looks for a family member first, who can take a child who is being removed from it's custodial parents. In this case, there are no family members who are healthy and physically able to give him the kind of care he needs, yet DSS has guilted a family member who is physically ill to care for him by telling her that "There's no one else." It is their JOB to make sure there is proper placement for this child, but they insist that he must stay with a grand-aunt who is sick and physically over-stressed already from caring for her aging parents. This child needs placement in a home with physically capable adults who have the time and ability to give him the care and attention he deserves. The main concern of DSS is that they don't have to work hard to appropriately place him with the right family until his grandmother can prove to them that she is capable of staying clean and taking good care of him. I for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how understaffed and under budgeted our state's DSS is. I'm tired of reading stories about kids who were taken from dirty houses, and turning the next page to see that another child died because DSS refused to take action on a report of abuse. As it stands now in SC, DSS only takes seriously the accusations of abuse made by health or mental health professionals, and teachers. If you call them about someone you know who is abusing a child, they will take your report, but in all likelihood, they will never follow up. They say they are not staffed well enough to investigate every complaint, while Nikki Haley encourages them to avoid recording information on certain cases in order to make our state's statistics look as though they've improved under her leadership. We are really in trouble as a state, when our one agency that is supposed to help look out for the safety and rights of our children has been corrupted from the very top.
I know my opinions probably differ a lot from the generally accepted points of view out there, but I've been mulling these thoughts over in my head for days now, and these are the only rational responses I have for any of the current headlines. I'd love to know what everyone else things about these things, so feel free to comment if you have something to add.
Everyone knows the story of Justin Harris, the Georgia dad who left his son Cooper in his hot car all day while he worked and everyone remembers the first time a story like this hit the headlines a few years ago. On some level, every parent can identify with this happening. We all know how hectic the our mornings can get and how easy it is to operate on auto-pilot sometimes. Some would even argue that the simple change in routine, from mom dropping the baby off at daycare, to dad dropping the baby off just that one time, is enough to throw a parent off track. We have all driven down the road with our minds somewhere else while a little one sleeps, oblivious to our worries, in the back seat. I remember after I had Charlie, it had been so long since we had a baby around that I actually dropped off my two daughters a couple of mornings and headed to work without dropping the him off with the sitter. I didn't get far though, before a thought of my sweet baby popped into my head and I turned back towards Maria's house to drop him off. So, yeah, I can sympathize with a parent who drives all the way to work with a baby in the back seat. I can even understand up to the point that mom or dad gets out of the car and starts to walk in to the building. What I don't get, is how anyone can go for 8 hours or more without remembering their kid is still sitting in the car. In Justin Harris' case, we can be pretty sure Cooper wasn't exactly forgotten. His dad went to the car at lunchtime to leave something in the seat. How would he not have noticed the baby then? Harris seems to be a father who was feeling trapped in his marriage, sexting other women all day while his wife worked and his little boy died a torturous death just outside his office in the family car. What the hell is wrong with our country when we are so stressed, over-stimulated and distracted that some parents legitimately FORGET they have kids in the car with them and work all day without ever remembering that they didn't drop off the baby at daycare? Is technology to blame? Are we so busy texting, checking Facebook, Tweeting and returning phone calls that we have forgotten what is really important? Are our jobs so stressful and all-consuming that for the whole 8 hours we are at work every day, we don't have a second to think of anything else? The nation has so identified with these parents that our outpouring of sympathy and support for them has seemingly lead to a whole other group of people who decide, for whatever reason, they need to get rid of their child and that leaving them in a hot car is the best way to go about the task. They see other parents getting support from the public and getting little to no legal consequences, so why wouldn't they think the hot car method is a good idea?
Last week there was a local story about a man who left his infant in the car at a Goodwill here in Greenville. He apparently went back to his car after going into the store and tried to pretend the baby was missing, but a Goodwill employee heard the baby crying from inside the car and called the dad on his BS. The dad handed the hot, sweaty vomit-covered baby to the Goodwill employee and someone called the police. Now it seems like we are hearing variations of this story every few days from somewhere in the country.
In another story today I read about a Georgia mom who was arrested because she left her 9 year old daughter to play alone at a park all day while she was at work. At face value, it looks pretty irresponsible, but the rest of the story makes it a little easier to empathize with this mom. First of all, she works at McDonald's. The same McDonald's that is directly in front of the park where her daughter plays. The child said that she goes to McDonald's for lunch--the same McDonald's where her mom works. She had previously been going to work with her mom and playing on an iPad all day, but the iPad broke and mom couldn't afford to replace it. The kid begged mom to let her play at the park during the day instead of sitting bored out of her mind in McDonald's while her mom worked.
Maybe this mom made a poor decision, but the way I see it, more of the blame for her situation lies with McDonald's than it does with the family. McDonald's is one of the lowest paying employers in the country, despite their massive profits and super-wealthy executives, their employers rarely make a liveable wage. Some have cried that daycare is too expensive, that there's no excuse for leaving 9 year old alone in a park all day, or that the mom could have gotten public assistance to pay for daycare, but I see very few who will speak out and place the blame squarely where it belongs: On the company who doesn't pay a single mom enough to protect and care for her child. Now DSS has the 9 year old child and who knows what kind of foster home she will end up in while they make her mother prove she is worthy enough to raise her. This is a mom who works and tries to provide for her kid. She didn't "forget" her in a hot car. I understand the stress of not being able to find a baby sitter. I know the struggle of trying to bring a kid to work with me every day. I remember what it was like when my girls were 9 years old and constantly trying to convince me they didn't need to be looked after all the time anymore. I'm not saying that this mom did the safest thing, but I am saying I identify with her the way many people identify with the parents who have forgotten their babies in the car all day. I believe she was doing the best she knew how to do considering her circumstances. So where is the public outcry of support for this mother who made the unfortunate mistake of thinking her daughter was safe and happy playing at a park all day instead of staring at the walls in a McDonald's all day? If she had left her kid in the car all day--forbade her to get out and let her suffer in the heat, would the public be rallying around her for forgetting her kid for 8 hours?
Meanwhile in a situation close to me, I am witnessing DSS take a completely irresponsible stance concerning an autistic child who needs placement in a safe environment. He was being raised by his grandmother, who after testing positive for methamphetamine, temporarily lost custody. DSS always looks for a family member first, who can take a child who is being removed from it's custodial parents. In this case, there are no family members who are healthy and physically able to give him the kind of care he needs, yet DSS has guilted a family member who is physically ill to care for him by telling her that "There's no one else." It is their JOB to make sure there is proper placement for this child, but they insist that he must stay with a grand-aunt who is sick and physically over-stressed already from caring for her aging parents. This child needs placement in a home with physically capable adults who have the time and ability to give him the care and attention he deserves. The main concern of DSS is that they don't have to work hard to appropriately place him with the right family until his grandmother can prove to them that she is capable of staying clean and taking good care of him. I for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how understaffed and under budgeted our state's DSS is. I'm tired of reading stories about kids who were taken from dirty houses, and turning the next page to see that another child died because DSS refused to take action on a report of abuse. As it stands now in SC, DSS only takes seriously the accusations of abuse made by health or mental health professionals, and teachers. If you call them about someone you know who is abusing a child, they will take your report, but in all likelihood, they will never follow up. They say they are not staffed well enough to investigate every complaint, while Nikki Haley encourages them to avoid recording information on certain cases in order to make our state's statistics look as though they've improved under her leadership. We are really in trouble as a state, when our one agency that is supposed to help look out for the safety and rights of our children has been corrupted from the very top.
I know my opinions probably differ a lot from the generally accepted points of view out there, but I've been mulling these thoughts over in my head for days now, and these are the only rational responses I have for any of the current headlines. I'd love to know what everyone else things about these things, so feel free to comment if you have something to add.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Catching up
Sometimes I get angry if I think too much about all the people I know in my own family and otherwise who, over the years, have shown gross disregard for my father's kindness and generosity. My dad has always been a kind-hearted man. He never forgot what growing up in a large poor family taught him about life and he let those lessons guide him throughout his. I can't even recall how many "stray" kids he allowed to live under our roof with us as we grew up in our own big family with limited means. One thing my dad always had enough of was love and acceptance. A lot of folks came to admire and appreciate him for his big heart and kind nature, but there was also no shortage of ungrateful leeches who took advantage of him without ever looking back.
It isn't easy to stay silent when you see someone you really care about being mistreated. If I think for too long about those people who took more from my father than he ever offered or could afford to give, I get tempted to pick up the phone and make a few calls. I want to tell them they're jerks and I hope their misdeeds come back to haunt them but I know that my anger will never be enough to right the wrongs that were done. I believe my father thinks about all of those people who took from him unfairly too, but he knows it is too late to go back and change anything.
Right now I'm finding myself in a tight spot with someone I really love a lot. I feel as though I am walking on a tightrope, wanting to do things differently than my dad did them because I don't want to look back at myself and feel the indignation that takes me over when I think of the injustices done to him; however, it is extremely important to me that I preserve the relationship that is being tested. Part of the problem is, I don't see myself as I see my father. He has always held a place of reverence in my heart and mind. I have a hard time seeing his imperfections and I'm often tempted to put him on a pedestal. I know he wouldn't want that, which makes him seem even more perfect to me. I am far from perfect. I see my faults above all else and I struggle to remind myself that I should be respected and treated with the same kindness and positive regard that I give to others.
Probably the the toughest struggle in all of this is the seemingly impossible task of handling this situation in a way that satisfies all the people in my life who are telling me to stand up for myself and stop letting the other person take advantage of me. My sister, my daughter, my friends all speak to me in frustration, with anger welling up inside them so intensely that I can't help but feel like I am letting them down just by being who I am.
Difficult conversations aren't my specialty. People who know me and want to push my limitations know this and they tend to take advantage of it. I shut down when I am cornered and right now I feel like a kindergartener with her nose pressed firmly against the square edge of a wall. The only way out of this is to turn myself around and speak up.
I love my dad, but I don't want to end up sitting alone with the thoughts of how I should have looked after my own resources in a more self-preservative manner. I don't want the people who love me to lose respect for me because they think I lack respect for myself. I don't want the people who are treating me poorly to ever feel that their behavior is justified. I know that by not speaking up, I'm sending the message that they can do as they please and I will just lie down and be their doormat as they come and go, but that's not the reality and it is not the message I want to send.
So I've spoken up for myself today. I've said things I needed to say and there's probably still more I need to communicate before this is all resolved. I know I can't control how another person chooses to react to my truth and I have to accept that by sharing it, I might alienate someone I care about very much.
Maybe this person will decide she doesn't want me to be a part of her world anymore, but she can't decide to make me stop loving her. I might be some woman in the shadows of her life but I will be here. She might never come looking for me again, but I will always be watching out for her, even if all I can give her are my prayers.
As hard as this experience is, I keep reminding myself that trials between people who care about one another can make their bond even stronger in the end. I am realizing that I am not preserving anything by throwing away my own need to receive the same regard I give to others. I'm praying for the strength and courage to plant my feet firmly on this principle. I'm hoping for the power to believe in myself, even though it seems like everyone else is losing faith in me.
I can do this. Even with everything else that is weighing so heavily on my mind, I know I have the strength to do what's right in this situation. I know I have to find the strength to accept the consequences that follow. I know I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself first.
These lessons have been difficult for me to learn but my mind knows the truth, even if my heart has yet to catch up.
It isn't easy to stay silent when you see someone you really care about being mistreated. If I think for too long about those people who took more from my father than he ever offered or could afford to give, I get tempted to pick up the phone and make a few calls. I want to tell them they're jerks and I hope their misdeeds come back to haunt them but I know that my anger will never be enough to right the wrongs that were done. I believe my father thinks about all of those people who took from him unfairly too, but he knows it is too late to go back and change anything.
Right now I'm finding myself in a tight spot with someone I really love a lot. I feel as though I am walking on a tightrope, wanting to do things differently than my dad did them because I don't want to look back at myself and feel the indignation that takes me over when I think of the injustices done to him; however, it is extremely important to me that I preserve the relationship that is being tested. Part of the problem is, I don't see myself as I see my father. He has always held a place of reverence in my heart and mind. I have a hard time seeing his imperfections and I'm often tempted to put him on a pedestal. I know he wouldn't want that, which makes him seem even more perfect to me. I am far from perfect. I see my faults above all else and I struggle to remind myself that I should be respected and treated with the same kindness and positive regard that I give to others.
Probably the the toughest struggle in all of this is the seemingly impossible task of handling this situation in a way that satisfies all the people in my life who are telling me to stand up for myself and stop letting the other person take advantage of me. My sister, my daughter, my friends all speak to me in frustration, with anger welling up inside them so intensely that I can't help but feel like I am letting them down just by being who I am.
Difficult conversations aren't my specialty. People who know me and want to push my limitations know this and they tend to take advantage of it. I shut down when I am cornered and right now I feel like a kindergartener with her nose pressed firmly against the square edge of a wall. The only way out of this is to turn myself around and speak up.
I love my dad, but I don't want to end up sitting alone with the thoughts of how I should have looked after my own resources in a more self-preservative manner. I don't want the people who love me to lose respect for me because they think I lack respect for myself. I don't want the people who are treating me poorly to ever feel that their behavior is justified. I know that by not speaking up, I'm sending the message that they can do as they please and I will just lie down and be their doormat as they come and go, but that's not the reality and it is not the message I want to send.
So I've spoken up for myself today. I've said things I needed to say and there's probably still more I need to communicate before this is all resolved. I know I can't control how another person chooses to react to my truth and I have to accept that by sharing it, I might alienate someone I care about very much.
Maybe this person will decide she doesn't want me to be a part of her world anymore, but she can't decide to make me stop loving her. I might be some woman in the shadows of her life but I will be here. She might never come looking for me again, but I will always be watching out for her, even if all I can give her are my prayers.
As hard as this experience is, I keep reminding myself that trials between people who care about one another can make their bond even stronger in the end. I am realizing that I am not preserving anything by throwing away my own need to receive the same regard I give to others. I'm praying for the strength and courage to plant my feet firmly on this principle. I'm hoping for the power to believe in myself, even though it seems like everyone else is losing faith in me.
I can do this. Even with everything else that is weighing so heavily on my mind, I know I have the strength to do what's right in this situation. I know I have to find the strength to accept the consequences that follow. I know I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself first.
These lessons have been difficult for me to learn but my mind knows the truth, even if my heart has yet to catch up.
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