This afternoon I took out my garbage. Big deal, right? I mean, it's one of those mundane tasks we all have to do. Sometimes though, I'm amazed at how in the midst of a fleeting, seemingly meaningless moment, life finds a way to teach me something.
As I walked around to the back of my car to pop the hatch, the "trash man" walked past me and said, "Good afternoon!" quite cheerily.
"Hi," I said back, a little surprised.
Then, as I came around the front of the car to put my dialysis boxes in the recycler, another man stopped to let me pass and also said hello to me. "The people at the dump are really friendly today." I thought to myself.
As I made trips out and back to my trunk, another car pulled up beside me, windows down, music blaring. He backed into the spot next to my car and left his car running while he emptied the trunk. Like me, he seemed in his own world. He wore a scowl, seemed less than thrilled about this Thursday chore.
I wondered how often I walk around with a scowl on my face, how often do I neglect to acknowledge people.
My friend Kori told me that when I first started my job at The Cascades she disliked me because I frequently passed her desk and didn't speak or acknowledge her. I never realized until then that I can often get lost in my thoughts and forget that I exist in a world with other people all around me. Since she told me that, I've tried really, really hard to jar myself out of my inner world when I'm in the outer world. Kori is a dear, loved, valued friend now, because eventually we got to know one another, but had time not afforded us that chance, I could have missed out on a beautiful friendship because I stayed too far inside my own head.
I won't say that I've completely conquered my inner lost-ness, but at least now I know that I do tend to isolate myself from the world too much, especially when I'm stressed or sad or just overwhelmed with what I'm trying to accomplish.
It seems odd to say that for a lot of our lives, we just check out, we aren't present for all the depth and love and beauty that surrounds us. Lately I find myself thinking back on my girls' childhoods and wondering where all that time went, and why I don't remember more of it. I know, though, that for many of those years, I stayed focused on too many of the wrong things. I worried over what people thought of me, I fretted over money, I obsessed over making all the right decisions and beat myself up whenever I got something wrong. Maybe we all stay too often focused on things that in the long run, never really matter.
Mindfulness is all the rage nowadays, but how many people really understand what that means? We used to call it, "stopping to smell the roses." Even then, few of us took the term seriously. It gets thrown in to conversations about our job fatigue and life's demands and our need to take a break from it all; but how often does anyone really pause to take in a moment, feel grateful for it, appreciate being alive? I don't mind telling y'all, that has not come easy for me this year. Since January one challenge after another seems to have chased me down and tried to defeat me. I find myself hiding inside my house sometimes, hiding from my own emotions, and hiding even from the people I love. Losing my job became one of the most emotionally hurtful things that has happened to me in recent years, and I stayed lost in thoughts of that injustice for a good month before I could start putting the hurt behind me and find some gratitude for it. Yes, we can find gratitude in even the worst of circumstances if we really try.
But first, we have to step outside ourselves and find some objectivity about life. I lost my job in a horrible way, by no fault of my own, and the injustice of how my seniors were treated truly breaks my heart; but they are some strong over-comers, and in their determination, they've found a way to stay together over the summer. I've been able to let go more and more, and start focusing on what I want for myself--how I want to spend the rest of my life. If I'd never lost that job, the status quo would have been the rest of my life. Now I get to actually explore other avenues, use my skills and talents, find my own little happy corner of the world.
True blessings often come in disguise and at first, seem like horrible circumstances. This break from the daily grind has given me a chance to reevaluate myself in relation to the world around me. I want to learn to stay fully present in the moment with the people around me. I want to truly feel the damp evening grass under my feet, appreciate the sounds of hummingbird wings and crickets trilling as the sun sets over the hills. I want to curse the invisible little bugs that bite the crap out of me while I'm watering the flowers and marvel at the butterflies that swarm my Zinnia garden. Someday, when maybe I can't walk anymore or I can't water the plants on my own, I want to be able to recall those moments with the same joy I have now. The only way we can appreciate the lives we've lived is to fully, presently, gratefully live them now. To me, that is mindfulness. It is peace.
Whatever has you tied up in knots today, whatever has your mind lost in the past or wound around the outcome of the future, I hope you can let it go for awhile. Take some time to breathe, find some little ray of joy in every day, and lie down at night with a thankful heart.
We only get one life. Let's live it well.
