Really Cool Things About Being A Kid (That we forget once we grow up)

I'm at home with my sickly boy today. I gave him Tylenol a few minutes ago, and now he's quietly playing with action figures in the living room floor. I think he's having a growth spurt on top of being under the weather. Watching him play and thinking of how quickly he is growing, I can't help but feel a little tinge if regret for all the wonderful things about childhood I have forgotten since becoming an adult. Here are some of the coolest things about being a kid that most people completely forget once they're grown:

1. How it feels to grow taller. This has got to be one of the coolest experiences of childhood, but how many people really give it a second thought? Kids grow. It's what they do. But just think how awesome it would be to wake up at 30 with leg cramps and then realize two days later that all your pants are too short becauseu you grew 2 inches! I, personally would be thrilled! I wish I could remember how it felt to get taller and taller, but alas, the memory escapes me.
2. How to create alternate realities by using a different voice, changing your name, or shrinking yourself to the size of an action figure and getting lost in your own story line of super heroes vs. villains!
3. Fitting into really small spaces.
4. Eating whatever you want without worrying about high cholesterol, or.your figure.
5. Apparently, when you're 6, poop is hilarious. Not so much when you're a grown up.
6. It's okay to fall asleep anywhere at any time and no one thinks badly of you for it. In fact, everyone thinks its adorable.
7. Playing. I don't mean golf or video games. I mean running wildly, climbing with abandon, skipping joyfully and falling down often. I mean making up the game as you go, making friends everywhere you go just so you have someone to play with, being so tired you can't stand yourself and still wanting to PLAY!!!
8. Christmas morning.
9. Snuggling up on the couch with your mommy when you're sick.
10. Always having someone around who knows more about the world than you do--and being able to ask them questions about anything at any time.
11. Making up the words to songs when you don't know the real words and wouldn't understand what they meant, even if you did know them.
12. Recess! Ah, recess, that few minutes in the day when you let loose and PLAY! When you forget about math and reading and just BE a kid. The closest thing we get to recess as adults is the lunch break--where we work while we eat or talk about work while we eat.
13. Not knowing that "sh*t" is a bad word, and saying it to a stranger--then experiencing the thrill of having shocked a grown up you don't know and embarrassing your mom at the same time.
14. Being able to tell grown ups when their breath stinks, when they're too fat, or that they are very wrinkly, and having them not get angry at you for speaking the truth.
15. Cartoons! Mindless funniness, complete with mini explosions, gravity defying stunts, impossible plots by evil bunnies or ducks or chickens to take over the world! A sponge that talks and blows really cool bubbles, and who has campfires under water...who needs reality TV when you can watch Sponge Bob??

How to Cut Corners and Save Time: The Art of Being A Slacker

It's Monday morning, and as I sit here waiting for my name to be called at my doctor's office, I can't help but wonder: is there some way I could use this time less efficiently? I mean, so far I have checked emails, looked up statistics on SC's domestic violence rates, and posted on Facebook twice. All this has served to do is stress me out, though, so now I'm thinking, why did I do all that??

In an effort to simplify my life, and to help you simplify yours, I've come up (in the last five minutes) with 5 ways to cut corners and save time--so you can do a lot more of what you actually WANT to do. Which is nothing.

1. Be late. That's right, don't be absent, that makes you look lazy, but if you're late, you seem busy and who is going to think badly of someone who has so much on her plate that she can't be on time? Lateness can give you more time to do nothing because you have all that "nothing" time when you should have been "there" doing "something". For instance, my co-worker is kindly filling Infor me this morning while I sit here in my doctor's office writing this post...which is pretty much the same as doing nothing.

2. Leave it for someone else. My children learned this one early. Don't want to wash those dishes? Let them pile up in the sink. Sooner or later, someone will need a fork, glass and plate all at the same time. Then they will take care of the dishes and you just saved yourself 15 minutes of time that you would have otherwise spent loading the dishwasher. Same goes for laundry, garbage and toys on the floor. Eventually someone's going to step on a Lego and end the stale mate.

3. Half-ass it. Use duct tape whenever possible. Just make a pathway to the kitchen and bathroom. Pull the comforter over the bed, but don't bother smoothing out the sheets. Learn to be content with, "good enough."

4. Wait until the last minute to plan parties and events. Most everything can be planned and thrown together in an hour or less. Why waste all that time doing stuff like making phone calls, sending invitations, and ordering supplies weeks or months ahead of time? Besides, the longer you wait to invite people, the fewer guests you'll have, and that's less work for YOU!

5. Go off-radar. Don't answer your phone or emails. Don't respond to texts. Don't check Facebook. How can anyone ask you to do something if they can't reach you because you're so busy doing nothing?

I hope you find these tips helpful. I know I will consider using them more in the near future. For now though, my nothing time is up. Time to go visit with my Doc.

Happy Monday, y'all!

Nancy Grace Enters Glamour Shots Competition: Loses to Grandma with Bigger Handcuffs

Legal commentator, Nancy Grace was irate last Friday, after losing the Glamour Shots Dominatrix of the Year competition in her hometown of Macon Georgia.  Grace was overheard stating that "There wasn't nobody in Georgia better with a whip than her, so Grandma just needs to get over herself."

The winner of the competition, Mildred Nesbitt of Norcross Georgia was excited about her victory.  "It's not every day you get to meet someone like Nancy Grace, but to beat her in a Glamour Shots competition?  It's unheard of!"  When asked what she would do with the prize money, Mildred broke down into tears and said she was planning to use the money to help get her son off death row.  "I know he murdered those poor women, but he's a sweet boy. Really he is."

We asked Nancy Grace what she thought of Mildred's plan to use the prize money to have a prisoner released from death row.  "People like Mildred Nesbitt are what's wrong with this country," she stated as she ripped off her handcuff necklace and threw her barrette at a cameraman before storming out of the room.

Grace has still not abandoned her dream of becoming Americas most beloved Dominatrix.  She can still be seen in her leather and handcuff ensemble on her new show, Nancy Grace Mysteries on HLN every Friday at 8:00 pm.

7 New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

7 New Year's Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

7. Spend more time on the couch. Let’s face it, exercise sucks and you work hard. You deserve more time in front of the TV.  New Year’s resolutions are all about making us have happier, more fulfilling lives, right? If spending the weekend on the couch watching an entire TV series on Netflix makes you happy and fulfilled, go for it!

6. Charity starts at home. You already pay taxes and you gave a dollar to the Salvation Army this past Christmas. It’s time to take care of YOU. Volunteer to clean up your own yard, not the local park. Keep your money and spend it on yourself—those other suckers can make a difference in the world out there, you’re making a difference where it counts most…to you…

5. Spend more and save nothing. You only live once, and you’ll only get ONE 2013, so if you see something you want, get it! Don’t have enough money for bills? Borrow some from a payday loan place. As long as the lights stay on, everything’s cool, right? Besides, spending makes you happy—ever heard of retail therapy??

4. Avoid social gatherings and family functions as much as possible. Who needs the added stress of abiding by social graces and pretending to be interested in what’s going on in the lives of your family members? You’ll be much happier if you keep to yourself and let everyone else do the same.

3. Drink often and smoke much. After all, drinking makes you more relaxed and smoking calms your nerves. Why stress yourself out over your health when you can have a drink (or five) and forget all your troubles? Also, if you quit smoking, you’ll have to forfeit those smoke breaks at work, and you need that 10 minutes out of every hour to stay focused.

2. Think about going back to school, changing careers or starting a new relationship. When it comes to doing something that can really change your life for the better, there’s no time like the present to think about it. Maybe you’ll actually get around to doing it in 2014.

1. Gain at least 5 pounds. Stuck in that strange place between a size 8 and a size 12? There’s a simple fix for that. Chances are, another 5 pounds would put you perfectly into a size 12. No more struggling to find pants that fit or trying on clothes before you buy them. You can start by eating out more, eating more sweets and drinking more sodas. It is much easier to gain weight than to lose it, and you’re not in to self-defeating behaviors. Stick to what you’re good at, and you’ll have a year for the record books!

The 3 Stupidest Things People Say To Me ALL THE TIME.

I recently had an eye exam.  My vision has been very poor since I was a teenager, and over the years it has gotten a bit worse.  In fact, my vision is so poor that my new prescription would probably resemble the coke-bottle glasses of yore, and my eyes would appear to others, as big as saucers.  So, with that in mind, I decided to go back to wearing contact lenses, at least some of the time.  I also seem to generally see better with contacts than with glasses.  I was very happy when I left my doctor's office with 20/20 vision and no glasses.  Well, I was happy until I got to work the next morning, anyway.

I realize that people at work aren't accustomed to seeing me sans glasses.  I understand that they look at me and do a little double-take and try to figure out what's different.  After all, when you wear glasses for a long time, they become part of your identity, so it only makes sense that people look twice when you're not wearing them.  The problem is, they all have to say something, and that's were things go horribly wrong...for me.

"You look sick."
"Have you been crying?"

"You look tired."
"You look tired."
"You look tired."
"Are you sick?"
"Are you having your period?"
"It'll be okay!" (she thought I had been crying.)

Okay, so I get the message people.  I look better with my glasses on because they hide the fact that my eyes are puffy and swollen all the time.  Point taken. And if another person tells me how tired I look or how sick I look, I'm just going to say, "No, I'm not tired or sick, this is just how I look."  But that wouldn't be exactly true because I am tired and I am sick, I just don't really want to announce that to the world.

Anyway, all this got me thinking about the stupid things people say to other people, especially about their appearance. Here are the top comments I thought of.  Feel free to ad your own:

1.  "You look__________."   Fill in the blank.  You look tired, you look sick, you look sad, you look angry, you look upset, you look sleepy.  To make this one simple, just remember that you should never start a sentence with "you look" unless it ends with a positive adjective like "beautiful".   Anytime you say "You look_______" to someone, you're assuming something about them that might not be true and in doing so, you might be unwittingly insulting them.  See above.

2.  "You've lost weight."  First of all, this one implies that you thought I was fat to start with.  Yes, maybe I have lost weight, but couldn't you just tell me I look great?  You've lost weight means, "hey, you're not as fat as you used to be!"  For some reason people say this to me all the time, even when I haven't lost any weight, which makes me think that I'm really a cow who just happens to look thinner on some days because of what I'm wearing or something.

3.  "Your hair looks better that way."  So you--a person whom I see every day and whom I may even think of as a friend, have been letting me walk around with bad hair for how long without telling me it looked like crap?  If you think it looks better now, how bad did it look before?  How long need I stay embarrassed about the hairstyle that I had for the last 2 years?

Anyway, I suppose I will get my glasses back out and kiss my better vision goodbye for the sake of vanity.  It's not that I'm that worried about being attractive, it's just that I already go to great lengths to NOT be thought of as sickly, tired or weak and my eyes are apparently betraying me.

The better vision was nice while it lasted, though.

Life is Sweet

He used to rest his head beside mine, his body long and stretched out across the bed, with his socked feet tapping out a sleepy rhythm as we drifted off to meet our dreams.  It was his safe place, that pillow beside mine, where he would lie and smile back at me as I made some joke or called him a silly nickname.  It was the safe place he came to when something out there was trying to pull him off in the wrong direction.

There are nights, still, when I wish I could reach over and touch the top of his fuzzy head like I used to do. There are times when I wish he would bashfully pull my arm across him and fold it under his, not because he wanted to give me affection, but because he wanted to feel safe.  I never thought of those quiet nights, floating off on our pillows to our own dreamworlds together, that what we had was a haven of sorts.

All I knew was that he would be here, if not on Friday or Saturday, for sure on Sunday night.  We would drink our wine and laugh until our bellies hurt, and then around midnight, we would settle into the quiet ease of kinship, where neither of us had to speak a word and the TV didn't need to be on.  We found our little niche and it was a beautiful thing because we never examined it to deeply.  It just was, and it made us peaceful and safe.

As one who over-thinks and over-analyzes most everything and everyone, I can hardly believe such a sweet time in my life passed me by without scrutiny.  Why didn't I realize then, that he was looking to me for guidance?  Why didn't I be a stronger person for him?  Invite him to rest his head beside mine, or hang his feet off the end of my couch more often?

Because for once, and because of him, I was able to let go of the need to pick everything apart and see how it worked.  Because he made me laugh and he made me angry.  He made me sad and he made me love him so, so much with his own refusal to adhere to the conventions of the world around us.  He was one of a kind, and this is one of those nights when I can't help but miss him.

I lay in my bed for about a minute tonight, trying to think of lyrics to a song that said what I was feeling.  This is the line I wanted to remember:

"I still can hear you saying, 'All of life is a chance. And is sweetest, oh is sweetest, when at a glance."

Those were some sweet times that I will forever treasure, even on nights like tonight, when I wish so hard that I could reach across the bed and find him curled up in the fetal position with his socks still on.  My arms can't reach him anymore, but what he taught me about safety, about living sweetly will forever guide my path until my last breath.  And his pillow, worn and deflated with all the cares that were too heavy for him to carry, will stay ever beside me to bear the weight of my burdens as well.

Until we will rest our heads together again someday in another, more beautiful place.

10 Things We Never Worried About Before Facebook

1.  Forgetting the birthday of someone you haven't physically laid eyes on in twenty years or more.  It occurred to me this evening when I logged in to stalk people, and there was a reminder that today is the birthday of an old high school acquaintance. I actually felt a little pang of guilt about not posting the one hundredth obligatory "Happy Birthday" on her wall until I remembered that back in high school, we never really hung out together.  I never wished her happy birthday then, so why would I now, when I haven't seen her in twenty years?  Still, I feel as if I am doing wrong by ignoring that little reminder up there in the right-hand corner...

2. Photos.

• Having incriminating photos show up online that we didn't even know someone had taken. 
• Documenting every occasion (or non-occasion) to make sure all our friends know how attractive we are, how beautiful our children are and how sexy our spouse is.
• Worrying about looking unattractive, fat etc...in pictures of us on FB--because we don't want people to get the wrong impression...

3.  Keeping count of our friends and categorizing them according to how close we are and how much we want them to know/not know about us.  Before Facebook, we just were.  People at work knew us by how we presented ourselves at work.  People outside work knew us as how we were away from work.  Now, thanks to FB, everyone wants a chance to know us in our entirety and that makes me (for one) a little uneasy.  I'm okay with not being bosom buddies with everyone at work, and I certainly don't need my boss browsing through my pictures from the weekend.  See above.

4.  Keeping everyone we know updated on where we are and what we are doing, as well as whether or not we are enjoying ourselves--complete with photos.  As if everyone having cell phones weren't enough--always being reachable no matter where you are and whether or not you want to be bothered, we now voluntarily check ourselves in to places so everyone will know where to find us and come bug us in person.  Makes no sense to me, but I do it!

5. Getting Fired.  I have personally known a couple of people who were fired for posting gripes about their jobs on FB.  If your boss is your FB friend,  you probably shouldn't complain about how dumb your boss is on FB, but people do it without even thinking and then...well, they get that dreadful call into the HR office...

6.  Disagreements between friends about religion and politics.  I remember the good old days, when you attended a party, had a few drinks, shared a few laughs and never got angry at the guy sitting across from you because you kept thinking about that insensitive and completely WRONG comment he posted yesterday.  Let's face it, the Facebookless world was one of harmony and bliss because we didn't know everyone's opinions about everything.

7.  Being Unfriended.  Who ever thought of such a thing?

8.  Updating our Relationship Statuses.  As if Single or Married isn't enough, now we have all these other choices, such as "It's Complicated."  Who ever wanted to put so much thought into describing their relationships in one or two words in the first place? 

9.  "What will people think of me??"  We worry about what people will think if we aren't in a relationship, what they'll think if we are, what they'll think of our hairstyle, our clothes, the company we keep, the parties we attend, the car we drive...Now, it's not enough to say that we don't worry about all this stupid crap without FB, but WITH FB, we worry about it ten times more because we share ALL of it with EVERYONE, including pictures.  "What do you mean, lick the spoon?  What will they think on Facebook???"

10.  "Does anyone even read the shit I post?  Do they even care what I think?  Probably not.  No one reads my posts...I mean, I only got 3 likes and that was a pretty good joke..."

When I Can't Think of Words...

I'm thankful that someone else already has.
"How I wished for you today..."

No Time for That....

Found this because of my really silly niece and her even sillier husband.  Good for a laugh!

Making it Right

I haven't seen him since February.  Before that, I hadn't heard from him since maybe March of the year before.  He is like some sneaky ghost from the past that keeps popping up when I least expect him, hinting at things he should leave alone.  I try to deflect the comments.  I try to remain unaffected by his approach, but despite all I do, I end up giving him the attention he wants...mostly.

When I got that email from him out of the blue about going to The Punchline in Atlanta with him, I was shocked.  I really had put the thought of him behind me and was satisfied to leave him in the past.  Still, I merely had an "arrangement" with "the other guy" and I wondered what it would be like to see him again.  Would I still feel the same way?  Would we have as much fun together as we used to?  What harm could it do?

So, I went.  We drove down together in my sister's truck, catching up on each other's lives.  I strategically left out the parts I knew he wouldn't want to hear.  I suspect he did the same.  Still, we had a great time that night, laughing together, riding back up together, listening to the music we both enjoyed.  We got back late, and I went in with him for a minute before I headed home.  It was awkward, detached but kind of familiar and safe too.  It's hard to explain.

Anyway, here he is again, popping up on my phone at midnight, flirting--asking to see me.  I said something to the effect of, "Sure.  We should get together every year or two, have a drink and see what happens." He didn't think it was funny.

He wants to know did I ever think he might be ready now?
Ready for what, I wanted to know.
"To kill myself I guess."
"That's kind of drastic.  You should just get a girlfriend."

Again, he missed the joke.

The odd thing is, after I bought my car the other day and finally had a CD player again, I ran into the house to find a CD to listen to on my way to work.  The only one I could find?  Slash.  The one he burned for me at his house one Sunday afternoon.

I remember so well, one of the songs.  It is my favorite one on the CD, and the one he referred to the last time he decided to vanish.  Maybe he was trying to tell me that someday he would make things right with me, but I never believed him.  I suppose I still don't.

You can't make something right tomorrow, if tomorrow is an unspecified amount of time in the future.  Especially since my future is not going to be very extensive.  Tomorrow isn't worth much to someone who has to live in Today.

Still, I like the song and I listened to it again today, very loudly on my way home.  Will I give in and see him this weekend?  Not likely.  Do I kind of want to, just out of curiosity?  Hell yes.  But curiosity killed the cat, and I'm supposed to die from something else, so I'm going to leave this one alone.