If Dogs Had Thumbs

We have a new family member at our house.  Her name is Penny and she is a Black Lab/Pittbull mix.  We adopted her from the pound about two weeks ago.  She is very sweet and loveable, but is only about 6 months old, which means she is sometimes very energetic and snippy.  She loves to chew, nip, jump on people and occasionally hide in a corner to pee on the carpet.  She is slowly improving and learning the ways of domestic life though, and for all the struggles of training a puppy, she is well worth the effort when she jumps up on the couch with me to snuggle and watch TV at night. 

Ever Seen a Chimp With a Leash Around His Neck??

While watching Penny play a couple of days ago, my daughter posed an interesting question.  What if dogs had thumbs?  Would they use their mouths so much?

And of course, that got me thinking about all the ways we would treat our animals differently if they did have thumbs.  Here are a few of the things that came to mind for me:

1.  We wouldn't use leashes anymore because we could just hold hands with our dogs.  Sure, that would leave them walking on 3 legs, but I've seen dogs that could do it.  Besides, it would seem more inhumane to put a leash around a two-thumbed creature's neck.  Ever seen a Chimpanzee with a leash around his neck?  I rest my case.

2.  They could open the door and go outside on their own.  No more doggie doors.

3.  They would fetch much differently. 

4.  Instead of biting the mailman, they might pinch him.

5.  They could eat at the table with us.  From a spoon. Or a fork.

6. They could hold the remote control.

7.  They could hand you things without slobbering all over them first.

8.  They could pick flowers, instead of peeing on them.

9.  They would dig holes with a shovel.

10.  Puppies might be thumb-suckers instead of incessant chewers.

  12. They could hitch-hike.

     13.  They could brush their own   teeth.

     14.  They could feed themselves   hamburgers and corn on the cob.

        15.  They could pick up their babies without looking like they're about to eat them.

16.  Maybe they could even use toilet paper????

10 Better Reasons to Hate Chick-fil-a

Over the last week, I've seen so many posts for or against Chick-fil-a and their lack of an antidiscrimination policy that I've grown weary of the whole controversy.  What does it say about our country's understanding of marriage and relationships, when we so quickly rush to get in line behind, of all things, a fast food company that is attempting to define what marriage "should" or "shouldn't" be?  No wonder our divorce rate is so high.   

I figure it's not up to me to decide what is right or wrong for other people.  Frankly, I have enough trouble keeping myself in line.  Therefore, you won't see me taking sides on this issue--at least not the marriage issue.  The way I see it, "traditional" marriage is already a dead institution.  The divorce rate between heterosexuals in this country exceeds the marriage rate.  More kids come from split families than intact ones.  Many of the  people I know only stay together for convenience.  Adultry is America's favorite pass-time, it seems.  South Carolina, in particular,  has one of the highest domestic violence rates in the country.  Considering what marriage "is" in America, I really can't understand what the Conservatives are trying to "protect" or why gay people want the right to such misery. 

Still though, I really have come to hate Chick-Fil-A, and for much better reasons than their CEO's beliefs on marriage.  If you still  haven't picked sides on this issue, but want to join the ranks of CFA haters across America, here are some much better reasons to avoid the fast food chain than their apparent intolerance of people who are un-white, un-heterosexual, un-religious or just plain 'different'.


1.  All the people who work there are WAY too cheery to be human.  I have come to believe that CFA hires its employess from another planet, or perhaps from a cloning factory.  At my local CFA, all the employees have a permanent smile plastered across their fake little faces and the crew looks hand-picked for a TV commercial.  There's the red headed freckled girl with a braided ponytail, they grey-haired, overweight manager, and some pimply guys who have freakishly straight teeth that their adolescent faces haven't quite grown into yet, and one or two other girls (usually blond) who are far to eager to take my order.  We all know, no matter how old or young you are, no one is THAT happy to be working at a fast food joint.  I know that it isn't really their pleasure to serve me at the window--they were told to say that to everyone and they do it because they are DRONES! 

2.  Too Much Freaking ICE!!!  Ever gone through the CFA drive-thru for a Coke on a hot day?  Chances are, if you did, you didn't get your thirst quenched.  Turns out, you get the same amount of ice in your drink whether you order a super large cup that won't fit into your cup-holder, or a small cup.  The last time I got a drink there, I couldn't even get the straw into the cup because there was so much ice.  I think I took two sips before my drink was gone.  Then they give you those dry-ass sandwiches to eat--which if you forget to ask for mayo, aren't going down easy.

3.  Closed On Sunday.  How many times have you said to yourself, "I think I'd like some CFA today, " then driven all the way there only to realize it's Sunday and they're closed?  I understand this is something the company likes to boast about, but really?  It's fried chicken, isn't it?  And what do ALL Southerner's like to eat on Sunday after church?  That's right, fried chicken.  It seems to me that CFA lacks common sense on this one. Besides that, maybe they could afford to actually give you enough Coke to wash down that sandwich if they didn't short themselves financially by not selling any food on Sundays.  Maybe their prices could also be a little more in the fast food range as well, which leads me to my next point.

4.  It's too darned expensive.  It might be the trendy place to go, and their claim of being the creator of the chicken sandwich might be true, but it's still just fried chicken and french fries.  Weird-ass french fries, but fried potatoes just the same.  So why would I go to CFA and pay $6.00 for a sandwich with nothing on it but a piece of fried chicken and some pickles with a side of WAFFLE fries and two sips of Coke from a Styrofoam cup? 

5.  They still use Styrofoam cups.  My guess is that Mr. Cathy also is not a believer in global warming or in taking responsibility for the planet for which God gave us the honor of tending.  As far as I know, CFA is one of the only fast food franchises that still uses Styrofoam products.  

6.  Waffle Fries.  Are they fries, or waffles?  Both?  The only thing I know for sure, is they're hard to dip in ketchup, and they're usually quite soggy.  The rest just mystifies me.  Like, how do they cut them like that?  I have actually spent several minutes at a time pondering how they get them cut with those little holes in them.  I can't think about it too long though, because it hurts my head, and frankly, when I'm eating fries, I don't want to be caught up in unraveling the mysteries of the Universe. 

7.  Really Sucky Kid's Meal Toys.  Need I say more?  They are always giving out some kind of cards or boring story books with some kind of moral message in them.  I don't know if you remember being a kid or not, but I do. I know for a fact I would have been one pissed off little kid, had I opened my kid's meal to find a plastic ring with cardboard cut-outs of leaves that I was supposed to learn to identify.  I wanted something plastic and colorful--preferably something that made a lot of noise so I could bother my sisters and my parents with it. 

8.  They are SLOW.  I confess, I have tried to go to CFA a few times around noon.  However, I have never been successful because the drivethru line usually circles all the way around the building and down the adjoining street, blocking traffic for half a mile because the happy folks at the drive thru window are so damned blissful that they don't realize other people are in a freaking hurry. 

9.  It's a Chicken Sandwich With Pickles.  I really don't get the hoopla about a freaking fried chicken breast on a bun with two pickles.  Maybe my tastes are a little more refined than some others, but I think I'm pretty average.  I can't figure out how this company has been so successful when the star of their menu is a chicken and pickle sandwich.  I know they have other kinds of chicken sandwiches and chicken nuggets and blah blah blah...but it is still all chicken.  CHICKEN, people--not mannah and quail rained down straight from heaven with the blessing of God just because CFA is closed on Sunday.

10.  The Name.  I guess it's no wonder they got FRENCH fries wrong, when you consider that they don't even respect the French language.  Isn't it supposed to be a fillet of chicken sandwich?  Or a chicken fillet on a sandwich?  My sister used to read the sign exactly as it is written--"Chick Fill Uh"  This was before I could read, and I used to wonder, "Chick fill a what?"  It's quite like an incomplete sentence when you think about it.  And really, that "C" on the cup doesn't look that much like a chicken either. 

So there you go.  Even if you agree with the non-gay policy of CFA, you can still find a good reason to avoid eating there if you try hard enough.  I say eat Chick-Fil-A on August 1 only if you want to, but not because you feel you should just to support Mr. Cathy's right to free speech.  For some of us out here, Chick-Fil-A's opinions on marriage and discrimination are unimportant.  But one thing is for sure, no matter what your beliefs, no one deserves to endure the punishment of waiting in line all day for a chicken and pickle sandwich, an order of soggy weird fries and a cup full of ice.  I'm just sayin'....

I Really Like My New Job

It has been a long time since I actually looked forward to going to work every day.  I guess God knew this was exactly what I needed and that this was the right time to give it to me.  For God's timing, I am very grateful.

I don't know if I'll ever see all the pieces of my life come together at once, but at least I know He's watching out for me.

7 Signs You Might Be a Facebook Hypocrite

1.  If you've ever been on food stamps, medicaid, or received Unemployment Compensation, posting something like this makes you a hypocrite:
Old Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will feed himself for life." 
American proverb: "Give a man foodstamps, welfare checks, 100 weeks of unemployment, free cell phone, cash for clunkers, and free government housing and he will vote democrat forever."


That's right, no matter how many of your friends "like" this comment, since you have been a user of the very system you criticize, you're a hypocrite!  Not to mention, you're showing your ignorance regarding which president is responsible for which program...but that's another blog post.

2.  You  say "I Love You" to your significant other/children/friends, in your Facebook post every day, but you're actually an asshole to them at home.

3.  You spend hours scouring the web for images with wise quotes to post on your wall:


When what' you really think is:



4.  You constantly yap about how wonderful your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is, but you're really just trying to make someone else jealous of the fabulous life you *Don't* have.  Seriously folks, who has the perfect life-partner?  We all know you're blowing smoke up our asses, so why not just say what you mean?  For example:

"Fackbooker123  My husband is an okay guy.  I mean, I could do a lot worse I suppose.  At least he picked up his underwear off the floor today and kissed me goodbye before I left.  Either way, I'm happy I finally settled."

That, we would all buy.

5.  You brag on your kids a bit too much.  It makes us all think you're probably over-compensating for that 44 year old still living in your basement eating Cheetos and playing video games on your old couch from 1976.   We know you're not really the proud parent of a terrific kid...Might as well be honest with yourself and everyone else, this one was a fluke.

6.  You gush about what a great boss/job you have, when in reality, you wish the place would burn down during the night so you'd never have to go back again.  Your real friends likely know you're miserable with your job, no matter what you lead the FB crowd to believe.

7.  You're actually a pretty well-adjusted happy person, but your FB posts are ALWAYS dark, dreary and depressing.  For example, one time I was sitting in the room with a friend of mine (a guy who shall remain nameless) laughing, joking and having  a great time.  Apparently, when I got up to grab a drink, he posted the following on his FB page:

"Life is so hard sometimes.  I'd rather just go home and die than continue living this way."

He got lots of heartwarming, caring responses from people who were (probably) really concerned about him.   In reality?  We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning watching comedy central and laughing our butts off!  Depressed?  I think not.  Attention seeking?  Yes.  Hypocrite? Most definitely.

Happy Posting Y'all! :)

10 Worst "Compliments" I Ever Got From Men

With my 42nd birthday swiftly approaching (2 days away), I have been doing some heavy thinking lately.  Mostly, I've pondered how I look, feel and act at 42 as opposed to the way my mother looked, seemed to feel and acted at the same age.  I was in 3rd grade when she was 42, and I remember thinking she was so OLD compared to my friends' moms.

Here I am, at 42 with two adult  children and a 5 year old.  I wonder how he will see me in comparison to his friends' moms when he is in 3rd grade?  Ugh, not a pretty thought...

Anyway, with all this thinking I've been doing, I've apparently become a bit insecure about my appearance, because yesterday my guy sort of tried to kind of give me a compliment and it made me almost cry.  True story...But here's the thing, is it really a compliment when your man tells you that your boobs, "aren't THAT saggy"???

So, in honor of my 42nd, I decided to list the 10 worst "compliments" I've ever gotten from men, in no particular order:

1.  "Other people might not think you're pretty, but I do." --Billy Farmer
2.  "You look good in the dark."--Billy Farmer (to be fair, this guy actually wrote me a poem to explain what he meant when he said that...but really?  In the dark?)
3.  "You look good...for your age." --Joey Mangum
4.  "Sometimes I look at you and think, 'Rebecca looks great....for having 3 kids.' "--Joey Mangum
5.  "You're stunning, but my ex wife was beautiful." --The Private Man
6.  "You're almost skinny enough to wear that bikini."....As I was WEARING it after losing 25 lbs of baby weight after the second child. --Billy Farmer
7,  "That's a pretty dress...if you like that kind of thing." --Nate Schultz
8.  "I like my women to have a little belly on them." (as he patted mine)--Tony Viola
9.  "You've always had a big butt, even when you were too skinny."--Billy Farmer (after the divorce)
10.  "Your boobs are not THAT saggy...I mean, they aren't that bad...Every woman's boobs get saggy, it's just gravity....after three kids....blah blah blah blah...." --You know who you are 


I guess it could be worse.  I've only really had one man in my life who just outright insulted me.  At least these guys maybe tried, a little, to deliver the message gently.  I guess what really matters most is how I feel about myself anyway, right?  So, I am going to get myself some new duds today and pretty myself up for my birthday dinner with my girlfriends this evening.  At least we are eating outside after dark, so I know I'll look good...For my age...

And for you guys...Sometimes when you start to give a compliment to your girl...well, maybe you just shouldn't.

Happy Birthday to ME! :)

Robbery, Break Downs and Mayhem...

Some scum bag robbed my house this week.  I arrived home on Monday to find my television had been carefully disconnected and removed from my living room, my jewelry-box ransacked, my daughters room plundered and my guitar missing.  It was excitement all around, really.  Yes, to answer your next question, I did call the police, and No, to answer your second question, the doors were not left unlocked.  No, I don't know who did it, and no, the police seem to not really care whether they find out who did it.  My shit is just gone and there's nothing I can do to get it back.  But hey, it's just stuff, right?  At least I'm okay and my kids are okay.

This morning my car, which has been the thorn in my flesh for the last year or so, decided to try out a new trick as I left home to take my daughter to school.  It seems that it thinks itself too delicate to remain idling while at a stop unless I put it into park and rev the engine until the light turns green.  Okay, I'll play, but I'm leaving my kids safely at home so as not to run the risk of my persnickety car deciding to die, mid-left-turn and kill us all when a semi T-bones us.   At least this way, I will be the only dead person at the scene, should the car choke out its last breath at a critical moment in traffic.

I drove to the office in the most creative way ever, cutting through parking lots to avoid traffic lights and slow cars at 4 way stops, and slamming the car into park every time I was unfortunate enough to not have a parking lot to cut through at a traffic light.  I made it here, just barely and plopped down at my desk to catch my breath.  Okay, I might have had a few weak moments in the car when I cursed and cried a little out of frustration and stress overload...so sue me.

I want a job that pays me enough to take care of my family.  I know that means giving up on the dream here, but I'm at the point of realizing I can't do this alone.  Yes, there is a board of directors, and I have two partners.  The Board has done nothing to help further the mission here, and my partners are hardly ever here.  Why?  Because all these people have personal agendas, and their first priority is taking care of themselves and their families.  Mine has been to see this thing through and make it happen, often at the expense of my own well-being.  I believe that what we do here is important, but I'm understanding that others have to believe it too, or this is never going to work.  So, here is my paradigm shift (thanks for the cliche, Scott).

My new number one priority, maybe for the first time in my life, is me.  And by me, I mean me and my kids. I'm not saying fuck everyone else, I'm just saying...well, fuck everyone else.  I have to take care of myself and I have to take care of my kids.  I'm ready for a change and I'm about to make it happen.  Watch out world, here I come.

Am I happy today?  Hell no.  But at least I know where to start getting that way.

Stalked...

Wow, I haven't been here in a while, huh?  It's not that I've stopped working on getting (or staying) happy though.   I just learned a while back that my Stalker was stalking my blog pages.  That kind of made me lose my writing mojo for a while.  If you've ever been stalked, you certainly understand how having your "special someone" hoovering over your shoulder can put a cramp in your style.

But, here I am again, frankly feeling a little down today.  It is August.  My least favorite month of the year, since about 2 years ago when my close friend died on August 27.  It's hard to explain how losing someone the way we lost him sends ripples through your life, even years later, but in the oppressive heat of this summer, the ripples feel more like waves, heat waves of emotion.  It's mostly anger these days, mingled with sadness and still that nagging sense of needing so badly to understand it on some level.

I know though, that we aren't meant to understand everything that takes place in life.  My mind completely grasps the senselessness of suicide, but my heart still struggles with it.




So, in my effort to keep my joy in life securely intact, I've decided to focus on all the good things I still have in my life because I had Goose in my life at one time.  Today, I'm feeling thankful for all the friends I have now because of my friendship with Joey.  The crazy Friday Night people, Kato, Delane, and all those nuts--and my recent friendship with James, who I think is a really cool guy.  And of course, Stephanie and Reid, who remind me always of where Goose's heart always was, even in those times when he wasn't able to show it.

No one passes through your life and leaves you unchanged.  For all the hurt I've felt, all the grief I have endured because of this loss, I have people and places and memories that I will forever be thankful.

What do you think of that, Mr. Stalker?

Singing in the Car

My train of thought from yesterday gave me an idea, so I thought I'd continue with the theme and just say a little thanks to someone who remided me how much fun it is to sing while I'm driving down the road without a care for who might be watching me (or hearing me) and laughing. Turns out, he wasn't a good person for me AT ALL, and probably isn't really a "good match" for anyone, simply because he can't truly accept his own worth and looks to other people to give him acceptance...When he fails in his efforts to convince a woman to treat him like a god, he devalues her as much as he devalues himself. He taught me some important lessons, though, aside from singing in the car, and for the things I learned, I am also grateful. Grateful because I now understand more about myself and I am able to better discern what another person's motivation is in certain circumstances, and this, I believe, has saved me from a lot of heart-break. I hope you find the "you" underneath all the boasting and bragging, and really start to believe you are good enough, without someone else telling you so. I still think about you when I sing this song in the car, and it still makes me smile. Thanks for the lessons.

Real Profile, Fake Picture



Ok, so maybe I have too much time on my hands lately...I just had this idea today that it would be funny to match up random pictures of creepy guys with the dating profiles of pretty average normal guys.  The result?  Well, I think a creepy picture can creepy up anyone's dating profile quite a bit.  What do you think?

About him & Who he's looking for

What I long for is the company, the touch, the smell and the feel of a woman. A woman who wants to be with me, hold me and love me. I know your out there somewhere.  I want to hear you breath when I awake in the middle of the night. I want to hear you call me "Honey". To want to watch you watch me look at you and know we both know. To kiss and make love the way lovers do...spontanous, passionate, intimate.
Take my hand and lets take this walk together, one day at a time. Knowing that our brightest days are right out in front of us. Are you willing to take that walk with me?
Now tell me about you "Honey"...I want to listen, I want to love, I want to live!



 



     

Misheard Lyrics...

I'm pretty good with song lyrics...really, I am.  But for years, I really did think that in the song Brown Eyed Girl, they were saying "Going down on the old man with a transistor radio."  Obviously, I never conjured a mental picture of what I thought I was hearing, otherwise I would have figured out sooner that I was wrong about that line. 

I found out my error one day at work while killing time on a website called kissthisguy.com.  If you've never perused this website for a few chuckles, I'd encourage you to do so. 

And since I was brave enough to admit what I *thought* I was hearing in Brown Eyed Girl, maybe you can share some of your misheard lyrics too... Either way, this is some pretty darn funny stuff that's sure to make you giggle a little!  Look up your favorite song and see what kind of results you get!

Give this one a look too:

Misheard lyrics from Marcy Playground's 90's hit, Sex and Candy

Marcy Playground's Funniest Misheard Lyrics

1. Who's that casting Beefeater stares
   ...
2. Who's that casting Keith Richard stares ...
3. I smell sex in Candyland...
4. I sell sex and candy yeah...
5. I smell sex in the bathroom...
6. Who\'s that casting Keith Richard stares...
7. Who\'s that kissing? D.V.A. stares in m...
8. ...stares at my erection...
9. Ask me sex and candy here...