Clutter

It is amazing to me how much junk one person can accumulate in a few years' time.  I very unintentionally took a less than quick trip down memory lane this evening, after I suddenly and uncontrollably got the urge to clean out my son's closet.  I say "closet" but it is more of a cave of sorts.  I suppose that's why, over the years as we have gotten more and more junk that we couldn't find a place for, it all ended up in the cave.

I found a dresser-in-a-box that I bought when I was pregnant with Charlie that never got assembled, because my belly was too big and kept getting in the way and his dad wasn't exactly a handy man.  I found old toys that belonged to my daughter whose cave this was before her brother was born.  I found broken glass and abandoned toys and even a stink bug.  Once it was completely cleaned out, I stood back in amazement at all the empty space.  I have been lamenting for years that this house simply doesn't have enough room for us.  I find myself frustrated when trying to keep things in their places and running out of places to keep things, and here, in his little room was a space big enough for all his toys, a bean-bag and a whole setup of his new Bat Cave Underground world where he is now happily playing, yes, my child is playing Batman in his enormous closet with plenty of breathing room.

This experience has made me realize that I have some serious work to do.  I have a hall closet that is packed to the brim, my daughter's closet is a nightmare and the laundry room...well, let's not even talk about that.  The truth is, when we moved here almost 11 years ago I was two years fresh off my divorce.  I had kept very little from my past life and the things we had were hand-me downs and second hand store deals.  We had just enough dishes, just enough furniture, just enough clothes and so much storage space we didn't know what to do with it all.  Over the years we have all acquired junk that we've, for whatever reason, refused to give up.  I have always thought myself to be great at getting rid of unwanted stuff that served no good purpose, but as I rummaged my son's closet and found crib bedding from 7 years ago and Barbie doll shoes from AGES ago, I realized I hadn't faced all my clutter nearly as well as I thought I had.

Tonight I ran across things that I'm sure at some point I had deemed useful for future purposes; now though, it  is just junk.  I found myself filling up garbage bags and boxes and sending them out to the curb.  Maybe someone will find some useful stuff out there, but honestly, I think the garbage man will probably just be pissed off at us for leaving all that crap for him to pick up.  The up side?  The clutter all gone from the closet now and from my conscience.  I no longer will walk into my son's room and avert my eyes from his closet for fear of facing my own inadequacies.  I will be able to look in that direction and see that I have finally faced my fear of attacking the clutter and I've managed to obliterate it.

I vacuumed up the remains of dust and debris and then neatly rearranged his things inside.  Even he was happier and more content that his mom had finally gotten her shit together and taken care of the mess she'd created.

I hate to turn everything into a metaphor for life, but it seems like over the last few years God has been teaching me things in the simplest and most unexpected ways.  Ever since the death of a very close friend, the loss of a job that same year and various other losses,  I have been stuck in some limbo-land of not really wanting to rummage through the debris those experiences have left behind in my life, both in physical form (the state of my house) and emotionally and mentally.  I find myself unwilling to pick through my own insecurities and hurts that linger, tucked away somewhere in that huge cave of a storage space somewhere in my psyche.  I have tended to look the other way when I see my own fears and insecurities.  I tend to try to clean out other people's "closets" instead of my own.  I focus on who I can help instead of confronting my own mental and emotional clutter.  I realize this has held me back in so many ways.

Has anyone ever called you up and said "I'll be at your house in ten minutes, can't wait to see you!" and you immediately scramble to pick up every sock, shoe, toy and dirty glass you can find and hide them in the first place you can find?  I have been known to throw dirty towels in the bathtub and close the shower door to hide my mountain of laundry because I am worried about what people will think if they see I've neglected washing clothes all week.  Hiding emotional clutter is no different really.  We are afraid of what people will think of us if they find out we still have old hurts and insecurities tucked away.  We think we keep these things for good reasons; So we'll know better next time or so we can go to that closet and draw from our past experiences so as not to repeat them.  Instead, what really happens is that closet we hide our emotional clutter in becomes a scary place that we start to avoid at all costs.  It becomes a whole bunch of experiences, hurts, fears and insecurities that we don't really want to keep and can't really find a good use for anymore, but for whatever reason, we just can't pack them up and set them on the curb to be carried away.

What we fail to realize is that by hiding these things away and not going through them, sorting them out, keeping what is useful and getting rid of what takes up valuable emotional space, we end up cutting ourselves off from the things we really want and need.  All our emotional real estate is taken up with useless stuff that we would be better off to let go of so we can make room for joy instead of hurt, trust instead of insecurity, faith instead of disappointment, love and companionship instead of isolation.

We begin to think peace with ourselves and our lives in unattainable because of all our past hurts and disappointments, most of which we hold onto so tightly, although we convince ourselves they are tucked away, out of sight, out of mind.  But the truth still exists that behind the doors of our private caves, those past experiences call to us, and remind us not to trust, not to hope, and to most of all, never forget what happened to us the last time we took a chance.

I've decided that I don't want to live among door after door of hidden clutter.  I want to sort through it all, experience those thoughts and emotions, whether they be joyful or unpleasant, and then do my best to neatly put them where they all belong.  I want to keep and cherish those things that make me a stronger, better person.  I want to box up all the pain, the disappointment and failures and lay them at the feet of God.  I know that even He, in His infinite mercy and grace will look at those things and merely see a bunch of junk that neither He nor I need to hang onto. He sees me as His child and knows I have no need, no space in my soul to harbor all those past hurts and disappointments. And I know that whatever wrongs, hurts, mistakes or heartaches I learn from by finally sorting through them and then giving them over to Him, He will deliver me from all those wounds that keep me from living my life to its fullest.

Spring is coming, and I'm hoping I can maintain the momentum to keep weeding out the things I don't need to hang onto, both in my heart, in my home, and in my relationships with others.